Monday, November 30, 2015

Climate Change Conference Fashionable In Paris?

                 How is climate change affecting fashion?      

                 That was the subject of an article by Miranda Purves of the New York Times that appeared in various newspapers around the country recently. The subheading of said article read, “How do retailers stock for the season when they don’t know the season?” Really? I mean, come on. It’s always cold and snowy in the northern tier of the U.S. for much of every winter. It’s always colder in the southern U.S. in the winter than it is in the summer, as well. In fact, “’tis the season” right now, is it not? Yes, it was a lovely fall in these parts, but that’s recently come to a screeching halt. Conversely, two of the latest ice-outs on area lakes in recorded history have taken place in the past four years. Does that mean that soon the ice will never melt?!
                The article quoted a Brooklyn, N.Y., mother who was sitting on a playground bench in early November, wearing shearling-lined boots. “I was impatient to wear these boots, because I love them, but my feet are sweating like crazy,” she said.
                I can’t imagine the horror. This planet is doomed! The article continued, chronicling the challenges faced by a literary agent in the Big Apple. Apparently, he has pulled out all his sweaters, scarves and heavy trousers for “the intermittent brisk days,” but not yet been able to put away his summer shorts and “Save Khaki T-shirts.” This has created a space crisis in his Brooklyn apartment! (When I think of “space crisis” I think of the space shuttle Challenger, or maybe the song, “Major Tom,” not somebody who needs a closet organizer. “Essentially I’m running out of storage,” the agent wrote in an e-mail. “I imagine California Closets is doing good business thanks to climate change.” Hang in there, brave clothes-horse, we were told we were running out of oil 40 years ago. Maybe some more storage space will turn up.  Moreover, if we can find the space in this country to accommodate millions upon millions more refugees from around the planet, you can probably find a spot in your abode for another garment or accessory- or two. Then again, you aren’t really talking about any additional apparel, just having to deal with cold weather and warm weather gear at the same time. What did you normally do with your off-season attire? Rent an external storage unit, or just put them away under the bed? Buck up, book boy, and manage your space better!
                The article touted the alleged fact that this has been the warmest fall in 25 years. Only the ‘me generation’ and millenials could think this is a long time. Every 25-year period has a “warmest” fall. And a coldest one. Get over yourselves. Then there was this: “Indeed, as the United Nations prepares for its all-too-real climate summit this month, one might fantasize about the eggheads at MIT devising a new discipline- Fashionology-Climatology?- to explain the mystifying algorithms where both rapidly changing systems intersect. This just in: fashion and climate have always changed over time, and, looking back at the 1970’s, it’s a damn good thing they do.
                “As weather-driven shopping becomes increasingly unpredictable…” the piece continued.
                Stop it. Now. Right bleeping now, you pathetic pussies. How would shopping for ‘fashion’ have been affected by previous ice ages? Or by the rapidly warming periods that followed all prior ice ages, leading us to where we are now? Or by any number of other natural, unstoppable, cosmic and Earth events?  “When you’re stepping across rapidly expanding/retreating glaciers, you need really good footwear, but don’t sacrifice style to substance!”
                “Exploring the La Brea tar pits? Chasing a wooly mammoth? Running away from T-Rex? Upset that Pangea’s breaking up? You’ll always feel better when you look good!”
                How fortuitous that the ‘climate summit’ is being held in Paris, the fashion capital of the world! I’m sure there will be clinics on how to properly accessorize during a warming climate. You can bet California Closets will be there to assist attendees in picking proper storage options for their wardrobes.
                Fashion and climate have always been changing.

                Changes in fashion have been man-caused. Changes in climate have not.


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