Democratic National Convention
July 13-16, 2020
Presentation of Platform
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: “Thanks, peeps! And, like, now it’s time to roll out our awesome Democratic Platform for 2020! Whoo-hooo, right?! Effin’ right! You can all, like, follow along with me on the big screen behind me as I read through it…like, okay? (looks at conventioneers expectantly and nods). Okay, here goes…
“On Judicial Reform: we will strive to add six more Supreme Court Justices…and then engage in court packing. This will ensure a progressive agenda gets a fair hearing for, like, perpetuity.
“On Election Reform: we will abolish the stupid, undemocratic Electoral College and let the simple majority of the people directly elect the president of the United States. 2016 must never happen again. I know, right?!
“On Senate Reform: we will ban the filibuster forever. This will, like, let legislation pass quicker and easier. No more gridlock! If this doesn’t, like, lead to more bills passing we will look to dispense with the bi-cameral legislature and move to a unicameral legislature, like China and Iran.
“On Adding to the Union: granting statehood to the District of Columbia is crucial to the future of the nation. Making sure the people who hold and exercise power—yet exempt themselves from the consequences of their own decisions-- get to vote for themselves is a moral imperative. Plus, if D.C gets to, like, vote in federal elections and stuff, it is unlikely that Republicans will ever again be a majority on Capitol Hill. We will also press for Puerto Rico to then become the 52nd state. That’s right, right? 50 plus one…plus one…equals 52?
“On Constitutional Amendments: since some of these, like, measures-- such as making the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico states and abolishing the Electoral College-- would currently require the ratification of a Constitutional Amendment, we propose to eliminate the requirement for Constitutional Amendments for any and all changes and reforms we, the Democratic Party, propose now and in perpetuity. Yaayy!
“On Reform Reform: we hereby, like, decree that the fundamental transformation of the United States has not occurred as fast as it should. Therefore we believe it is incumbent upon us, in the interest of democracy and the people, to use any and all means necessary, including but not limited to ‘extralegal,’ to achieve our goal of making the U.S. utterly egalitarian in outcome, and a place where everyone is welcomed equally despite race, creed , color, sex, belief, disbelief, practice, behavior, kink, criminal history, or any other metric, standard or characterization. Except for conservatives, who are evil.
“On Women’s Health: we vow to protect our young people by aborting or killing them before they have to endure any hardships or microaggressions. We propose to raise the age for legal after-birth abortion to nine! (wild cheering from conventioneers)
“On Voting Rights: we propose to lower the legal voting age to…nine…to match up with the maximum age at which after-birth abortion would be legal. In this way, the surviving fetus/child will attain suffrage at the same age at which it becomes a viable tissue mass! If we haven't killed you by then, you can vote for us! Awesome, huh? (more cheering)
“On Voting Rights: we propose to, like, make members of the LGBTQ Community equal to 1 and 3/5ths the value of other citizens. For example: if 1,000 LGBTQ citizens voted for, like, Kamala Harris, those ballots would be counted as 1,600 votes. This would both redress past grievances and assure that no Republican could ever again win a national office.
“On Romance: we vow to pursue the legalization of bestiality. The practice is, like, legal in Germany and a few other places in Europe, and we know Europeans are more sophisticated and wiser than we are. Love is love is love, right?
“On Hate: we propose the removal of all white males to ‘education camps,’ to help them cope with their overt racism and toxic masculinity, with the goal of releasing them back into society once they’ve read every book recommended by Oprah and watched ‘The Handmaiden’s Tale’ a minimum of three times.
“On Hate: we will work diligently to eventually effect a ban on the practice of Christianity in all its varied and despicable forms. We will continue to strive to expunge all of its symbols from the public square. (some conventioneers can be heard singing John Lennon’s “Imagine”)
“On Borders: we will immediately refuse to recognize any borders whatsoever. We will push to have even the depictions of America’s borders removed from all maps, atlases, globes, etc.
“On Wages: we vow to institute maximum wages based upon, like, one’s race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, belief, etc.
“On Taxation: we will establish a 95% maximum marginal income tax rate-- to apply to the wealthy—to ensure fairness across all income levels. This will be called Fairness In Taxation, or FIT.
“On Prices: we will see that most everything is free for life, like, including-- but not limited to-- assisted suicide, euthanasia, abortions, marijuana, college educations, prophylactics, health care, peanut butter, hummus, and tickets to see Cher.
“On Sports: we will ban all contact sports…and road racing…by 2024.
“On Energy: we will ban all forms of energy production other than, like, solar and wind by 2030.
“On Transportation: we will ban all forms of transportation other than electric public transportation by 2030.
“On Music: we will abolish country music by 2032. We will, like, establish Rap as the official, sanctioned musical genre of the United States by that same time. Effin’ right! Give it up, ya’ll!!
“On Utopia: we will see that there is a unicorn in every home by 2036.
“On the National Anthem: we propose to switch the country’s official song from the current militaristic, racist, xenophobic ‘Star Spangled Banner’ to Cyndi Lauper’s uplifting classic, ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.’
“On the Flag: we will propose legislation to replace the Stars & Stripes, as it is really nothing more than a ‘Hate Rag,’ with the much prettier, less threatening, more inclusive LGBTQ flag.
“On freedom of the press: we promise to bring back the ‘Fairness Doctrine,’ which will silence hateful voices in certain media pockets where conservatives lurk, such as talk radio and the Dark Web, thereby letting unbiased outlets like The New York Times and MSNBC do the work of the people without facing fake news/opposing viewpoints.
“On academia: our higher educational institutions like Columbia University, the university of Minnesota, and the University of California-Berkeley already do a peerless job providing the richly diversified educational experience our young scholars need. We promise to help them in this task. Professors of the nation, unite! We salute you, comrades!
“Thank you all. And now it’s my pleasure to introduce Ilhan Omar, Representative from the great state of Minnesota, who will be discussing foreign policy…”