College Students: It's Too Hard To Vote

            College-age kids aren’t what they used to be.

Of course, in the not-so-distant past they used to be adults, typically having received an eighth-grade education before going to work and raising a family. In the 1800s many of their age group managed to hop in the Conestoga wagon-- along with a gun or two and their other belongings-- and travel across country to carve a life out of the remote wilderness.

Today, the hardy young scholars at Haverford College outside of Philadelphia have been demanding to get a polling site closer to their campus because the closest one currently is nearly a mile and a half away. According to Philly.com, Haverford students make up the majority of voters in the district, but most don’t have cars. What’s even more horrifying is that part of the road to the elementary school is not flanked by a sidewalk. But I’m sure the students have access to bicycles, and, as anyone with any familiarity with modern cyclists knows, they refuse to use sidewalks anyway.

As if a polling place 12 blocks away wasn’t a big enough cross to bear for today’s students, a recent focus group revealed an even bigger hurdle they might have to clear if they wish to vote-- even once!-- for their favorite socialist candidate. The students who can’t find a way to get to the ever-so-distant voting booths are also stymied in their attempts to send in absentee ballots. A recent focus group of college interns from many different departments revealed why. WTOP reported that the Fairfax County Office of Public Affairs, who hosted the focus group, discovered that the students didn’t know where to get stamps.

What’s more, it said, the United States Post Office “seems to be a foreign concept” to college students. The office’s Lisa Connors stated the students can obtain and fill out the absentee ballot, but then are utterly flummoxed at what to do with it. Connors said: “That seems to be like a hump that they can’t get across,” adding, “They all agreed that they knew lots of people who did not send in their ballots because it was too much of a hassle or they didn’t know where to get a stamp. Across the board, they were all nodding and had a very spirited conversation about ‘Oh yeah, I know so many people who didn’t send theirs in because they didn’t have a stamp.’” Thank the Lord.

These college kids wouldn’t be able to answer most of the questions on an eighth-grade test taken in a one-room schoolhouse in Kansas in the 1800s. They sure as hell couldn’t survive being 15 miles from their nearest neighbor and having to farm, hunt and work long days at hard, blue-collar labor to survive.

 Even sadder, many probably aren’t aware that the Liberty Bell exists, let alone that it resides in Philadelphia…near Haverford College. The iconic bell first cracked in 1752 (13 years before the British imposed the Stamp Act on the colonies) due to its being too brittle. Today's students aren’t taught about the Stamp Act. Nor can they find a stamp.

Today’s college kids don’t care much about liberty, because they are so brittle they are more concerned about finding “safe spaces” where they can hide from politically incorrect thought and speech.

That makes me want to go postal.

Restaurant Gets Lobsters High Before Serving Them

                Charlotte Gill, proprietor of Charlotte’s Legendary Lobster Pound in Southwest Harbor, Maine, is now offering to get lobsters high on marijuana before cooking them for her customers. Gill, a licensed marijuana caregiver in the Pine Tree State, apparently believes it is a more humane way for the lobsters to meet their demise.

                The first lobster used as a guinea pig in her doping experiment she dubbed “Roscoe.” Roscoe was put in a box with several inches of water at the bottom, and marijuana smoke was then blown through the water, into the box. Voila, a box-bong for shellfish! Gill claims Roscoe was much calmer and less aggressive for the subsequent three weeks and didn’t try to attack the other lobsters in his tank even though his claws were unbound. Yes, because he was stoned into oblivion.

                Gill eventually released Roscoe into the ocean “as a thank you,” according to a local newspaper. That’s great, send him out into the vast, unforgiving sea docile and insensate, unable to defend himself because he’s baked like Cheech and Chong. Nice thank you, Gill.

                Gill has dedicated a special outdoor station to lobster sedation. She plans to build a bigger tank in the near future, one that will allow her to get multiple lobsters wasted at one time. She says she doesn’t believe this practice will impart the lobster meat with THC, as the lobsters will be steamed at temperatures above 400 degrees before being served, thereby destroying any residual traces of the drug. (This may be the first instance of lobsters being “baked” before they are steamed).

                What’s next? Will other restaurants coke-up their crustaceans? Perhaps stone crab will become stoned crab. Will it soon be best-practice to put cows on cocaine and chickens on ecstasy before processing them?

                Is “out of the pot, into the kettle” really a giant leap forward for either crustaceans or mankind?

                Like, probably not, dude, but I’m so blunted I don’t care!

LGBTQ Freshmen Outnumber Conservatives At Yale

                A recent Yale Daily News survey of that school’s freshmen found that more of the students identified as members of the LGBTQ community than as conservatives. Over one-half of the class of 2022 took part in the survey, in which a total of 22% of respondents claimed to be either gay, bisexual, transsexual, asexual, “ace spectrum,” or questioning. Of the 864 young scholars polled, nine percent thought they were “somewhat conservative,” while only one percent admitted to being “very conservative.” (Everyone sing it with me now: “Nine of these kids just don’t belong here, nine of these kids just aren’t the same”). There are, apparently, more Hasidic Jew hairdressers named Adolph on campus than there are conservatives. Only 16 percent of those surveyed identified as Protestant, 15 percent as Catholic.

                A 2018 Gallup poll estimated that just 4.5% of all Americans identified as LGBTQ. Thank goodness for higher education! An earlier survey of Yale professors found that about 75%  identified as liberal while less than 10% purported to be conservative. Over 90% of faculty members in the humanities classified themselves as liberal, roughly equaling the same percentage of leftists as were found in the Supreme Soviet circa 1980. Even nearly two-thirds of STEM faculty identified as liberal.

                According to The College Fix, in 2015, Yale professors Nicholas and Erika Christakis became the targets of students vitriol after Erika had the balls to suggest that students shouldn’t be so quick to find offense with things such as Halloween costumes. At one point, Nicholas was surrounded by a mob of threatening students, one of whom screamed “Who the f**k hired you?” He eventually resigned. As did Erika. Yay tolerance! Yay diversity! (The students probably didn’t like that they shared the same last name. Come to think of it, they probably didn’t like the name).

                Back in 2016, a Yale Daily News survey found that 95% of conservative students on campus thought that their views were unwelcome. Ninety-five percent. Yay tolerance! Yay diversity!

Yale Campus

Rosenkranz Hall

115 Prospect Street

Discovery Group Meeting

Leader: “Good morning, group! I’m Patrick Fitzmichael, and in the seat next to me is my dynamic—and hunky!—assistant group leader, Michael Fitzpatrick! Yay! Right? Anyway, we are all here today to celebrate our diversity. Many of you have felt marginalized at some point in your life because of your identities, passions, activities, or…whatever, right? So, this group is here to provide affirmation to you…to each and every individual here from everyone else here today. How awesome is that? (Cheers and applause ring out). We will go around the room now, and each of you will tell us a little about yourselves and why you’ve felt oppressed, scared and saddened at some point in your lives. (Points). Bob, let’s start with you. Don’t be shy big boy.”

Bob: “Well, I’ve known I was gay since I was 2. You can imagine how hard it was to go through my life having to watch non-gay people on television, in movies, and in my real life. It’s just so…marginalizing.” (Room explodes with applause. Everyone shouts, “You go, Bob. So cool! We love you!”).

Leader: “We’ll just go cockwise—I mean clockwise-- from Bob. Lance?”

Lance: “I’d just like to echo Bob’s comments. It was so hard…no pun intended…growing up knowing that I might be deprived of covenantal marriage, even if I was destined to make more money than heterosexuals.”

Leader: “Sarah?”

Sarah: “I am bisexual. Well, pansexual, actually. I just like sticking things up my butt for the most part. Giggles.” (Loud applause. “So cool, you go girl, we’ve got your back, love you” cries ring out).

Leader: “Hillary?”

Hillary: “I like to mix it up, if you know what I mean. Why limit ourselves to one person, one sex, one species. I mean, hello, it’s so prudish. And Trump wants to kill us all!”

Leader: “Great , great points, Hillary. Edward?”

Edward: “ I must…no….I am proud to announce that I now identify as a 16-year-old, two-spirited, bisexual, transgendered jackalope from Oklahoma.” (Wild applause, whistling, shouts of “alright!” ensue).

Leader: “Alexandria?”

Alexandria: “I have just had my third abortion, and I just wanna say it was fantastic! I mean, I love sex…who doesn’t?...but, like, I don’t need kids! I think abortions should be free, like tampons and stuff, and, like, maybe there should be like vouchers or something!” (Crazed affirmations, cheering).

Leader: “And, Thomas… is it?”

Thomas: “Yes, ma’am.”

Leader: “Go, Thomas.”

Thomas: “I…well, I have to out myself as a …conservative…and I believe in the rule of law and the Bill of Rights and—” (Drowned out with boos, jeers, and threats of physical violence).

Leader: “Thomas, you are sick. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We can’t take the risk that you might infect the minds of others in this room. I will, in the strongest possible terms, recommend that you be psychologically evaluated and sent to a reeducation camp- I mean to a psychiatric facility- to get the help you so desperately need.”

Leader: “Alright everyone, let’s hear it for our motto: ‘Light and Truth!’” (Orgiastic approval).

                                                                       {fade}

Bert And Ernie Are Gay!

                Bert and Ernie are gay.

                So says Mark Saltzman, one of Sesame Street’s script and songwriters since 1984. According to news.com.au, Saltzman told Queerty magazine that he wrote Bert and Ernie as a loving couple, one reflecting his own homosexual relationship with one of the show’s film editors at the time. He added, “I remember one time a preschooler [in San Francisco] turned to her mum and asked, ‘are Bert and Ernie lovers?’ and that, coming from a preschooler, was fun. That got passed around, and everyone had their chuckle and went back to it. And I always felt that without a huge agenda, when I was writing Bert and Ernie, they were. I didn’t have any other way to contextualize them.”

                (Supposedly) seeing a four-year-old ask her mother if two male puppets are gay is “fun?!” Ha, ha. I don’t want to know what “everyone went back to it” was referring to. You have a “huge agenda” if you can’t figure out “any other way to contextualize them.” You couldn’t bear to think of two young male puppets as simply friends or roommates, you had to homosexualize them, Mark? Much as some fans of the show did after same-sex marriage was legalized in New York, when they set up a petition asking the show’s creators to have Bert and Ernie get married on screen. Agenda? This is a public-broadcasting show-- featuring puppets-- aimed at preschoolers. It makes no sense for the show to feature any kind of sexuality.

                Sesame Street’s creators rejected the claim that Bert and Ernie had it going on, instead describing them as “best friends,” adding, “They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves.” Like girls and boys, perhaps?

                Some fans were upset at this denial of sultry, sexual, subtext between Bert and Ernie, with one stating that it had “broken his heart,” according to London’s The Sun newspaper. But Sesame Street first aired in 1969, fifteen years before Saltzman signed on and projected his own sexuality onto existing—and beloved-- kid’s show characters.

                “Kukla, Fran and Ollie,” was a puppet-themed children’s show of the 1950s that most people believe spawned “Sesame Street.” Were it around today, you can bet that writers would be clamoring for Kukla and Ollie to be married, Fran and Madame Ooglepuss to advance the lesbian cause, and, for a dramatic series-ending special, all four to engage in an orgy for the ages.

                That so many are talking about this is patently absurd…and not a little horrifying. Puppets-- even Muppets-- are not alive, do not sport genitalia, and cannot have sex. As such, they have no sexual orientation. (Perhaps they are “agender”). Progressives should be made to deal with this ridiculously obvious fact. But that won’t happen.

                Because, the truth is, we are all puppets…of the politically-correct elites that control our culture, our schools, our media, our politics…and our lives.   

Bill O'Reilly's "Killing" Book Series

                I have greatly enjoyed Bill O’Reilly and Brian Kilmeade’s “Killing” series books. The first of these, “Killing Lincoln,” was perhaps the quickest-paced, most intense and utterly fascinating historical book I’ve ever read. “Killing Kennedy” was well-done and interesting, as well. “Killing Reagan” was, I thought, less so, but I did like “Killing Patton.” I have not read “Killing Jesus.”

                More recently, “Killing the Rising Sun” and “Killing England” have been published. I have read both, and, while I didn’t think either of them were as riveting as “Killing Lincoln,” I believe they each have merit. History has so much to teach us. As much about the future as the past.

    Now comes “Killing the S.S.” Whereas this book, too, could have its moments, I am beginning to be concerned that O’Reilly and Kilmeade could be running out of things to kill. Or, more properly stated, I’m worried they may be running out of legitimate and cogent tales of people, countries and other entities that have already been killed to relate to the rest of us. At some point, the writing style or hook utilized in the beginning of the series might just wear thin. It’s one thing to refer to “the man with 24-hours to live,” but quite another to say, “the major fascist paramilitary organization with 2-years to live.”

               What’s next? Will we soon see titles such as “Killing Two Birds with One Stone,” “Killing the Goose That Lays the Golden Egg,” “Killing the Fatted Calf,” “Killing Oneself,” “Killing the Clock,” and “Killing with Kindness?” Perhaps “Killing It” is next. Or, maybe, “Killing Time.” (“The year with 48-hours to live?”).

               The suspense is killing me.  

College Student Denied Admission Due To Twitter Follow

               The College Fix reported on Bradley Shear, a lawyer who is representing a teenage client who was denied admission to a “prestigious” college after the school’s admissions officer asked him why he followed Alex Jones, the InfoWars conspiracy theorist, on Twitter. The student didn’t interact with Jones-- nor did he himself promote any conspiracy theories. “He simply followed a controversial personality,” according to The Fix. Shear is hoping to persuade colleges and universities to give up their social-media snooping.

                But, hey, in the meantime, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Jones is a bit of a wacko, but no more so than many other media and entertainment types. Shouldn’t a prospective freshman freshperson who follows, say, Joy Behar on Twitter be denied admission to any self-respecting institution of higher learning? Anyone who religiously watches Rachel Madcow Maddow (speaking of conspiracy theorists) has no business applying to Stanford or Notre Dame, for example. Similarly, a person who has professed admiration for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes, Maxine Waters or Bernie Sanders could be rightfully banned from attending any “prestigious” university, right? If a student answers the question, “Would you, if you could, vote for Nancy Pelosi?” in the affirmative, they should logically be denied entrance to every community college in the nation.

                What’s more, I believe that, if a youngster has watched a Rosie O’Donnell movie or more than five episodes of The View, he/she/they should be kicked out of school, made to perform 80 hours of community service while wearing a “MAGA” hat, and be sentenced to an all-tofu diet for 60 consecutive days.

                If that youngster has watched, follows, or knows the names of CNN’s Jim Acosta, Chris Cuomo or Don Lemon……an “after-birth abortion” should not be too hastily ruled out.

                Either we all defend The First Amendment, or we all pay the consequences. In institutions of “higher education,” that sentiment should be a no-brainer.  

The Week In Fake News

                The New York Times, aka “The Truth,” recently and recklessly slandered U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Nikki Haley in a textbook example of fake news. The headline to the article in The Times originally read: “Nikki Haley’s View of New York is Priceless. Her New Curtains? $52,701.” Get the allusion to the old Mastercard ads? Get that they can’t even stick with a potential, if minor, straight news story? They have to make her appear rich and aloof, apart from the rest of us, spending profligately at the taxpayer’s expense. In the headline.  

                The Paper of Record took some flak for the piece, especially as it gave exactly the wrong impression. Ergo, it dramatically altered the “story” and posted this editor’s note: “An earlier version of this article and headline created an unfair impression about who was responsible for the purchase in question. While Nikki R. Haley is the current ambassador to the United Nations, the decision on leasing the ambassador’s residence and purchasing the curtains was made during the Obama administration, according to current and former officials. The article should not have focused on Ms. Haley, nor should a picture of her been used. The article and headline have now been edited to reflect those concerns, and the picture has been removed.” In other words: “Never mind.” Where is Roseanne Roseannadanna when you need her?

                Of course, the original article was seen, disbursed and tweeted about amongst the anti-Trump coastal elites in significantly higher numbers than the pathetic “editor’s note” and revised post ever had a chance to be. One member of congress actually called for an investigation into Haley’s spending.

                Memo to The Grey Lady: window coverings are used to shut the light out, not let it in. A few more headlines and “articles” like this one and it should be curtains for you.

                The New York Times was by no means the only mainstream media entity caught engaging in fake news this week. As a Weather Channel “journalist” was reporting from Wilmington, North Carolina, during Hurricane Florence Friday, he appeared to be struggling mightily just to stay on his feet. He was bent over, hood pulled over his head, rocking back and forth as the violent winds buffeted him, the picture of a fearless newsman doing his job, personal safety be damned. Unfortunately for his credibility, two youths slowly strolled by him in the background, perfectly upright and unconcerned, one with his hands in his pockets, ambling off to anywhere. Oh, and a caption on the screen read: “Live. Wilmington, N.C. Wind: 29 MPH. Fake weather.

                What’s next? Fake sports? (I’m not talking about professional wrestling).

                The damage the media has done to itself due to its incredibly overweening bias and need to “frame” a story is immense. And sad. It’s no wonder the mainstream media has become so reviled.

   They are “all wet.”

   Even when it’s not raining.

Thomas The Tank Engine Updated

                Mattel has been collaborating with the United Nations for over 18-months to update the children’s classic, “Thomas the Tank Engine.” Thomas has been around for over 70 years, originally in a British book series and more recently in a television show titled “Thomas & Friends,” but the giant toy manufacturer sought input from the U.N. as merchandise sales and viewership have declined steadily in recent years. The collaboration is the first of its kind and likely ushers in a new era of one-world political correctness. Mattel is hoping that more inclusive characters and “woke” messages will resonate with today’s young kids-- and their parents-- and put some steam back into the formerly iconic franchise.

                The new cable t.v. show will be titled “Thomas & Friends: Big World! Big Adventures!” and will feature themes of progressive global activism. U.N. staffers coaxed Mattel into featuring five of its Sustainable Development Goals as plot lines for this season’s 26 episodes. Education, healthy ecosystems, sustainable communities, responsible consumption and gender equity. Does that sound like fun viewing, or what?!

                The new version of TTTE will feature more female characters and various ethnicities. At one point, Thomas is bested in a race by Hong-Mei, a Chinese engine, prompting Thomas to spout: “Some think girls are weak, but I know that’s not true.” He then adds another layer to the trite-fest by regurgitating: “If boys and girls aren’t given the same opportunities, they might not be given the chance to work as equals, and that’s not fair.” These lines would have been better directed at every society in the world circa 1650…or at many Muslim nations today. Speaking of which, “Nia” is an African car now, and cannot return to her homeland because she’s been displaced and is probably considered an “undocumented worker” by Hollywood and U.N. types.

                Is the modern iteration of Thomas & Friends progressive enough to pass U.N. muster? Of course it is, they helped create it. The Africa Program Advisor for U.N. Women, Tolulope Lewis-Tamoka, said after viewing a clip of the show: “I thought it was excellent—I was really impressed with the representation of gender equality. I think this will make a strong impression on boys and girls. And it has gender-sensitive language, which is what U.N. Women really stands for.” That’s right, there’s nothing more integral to the United Nation’s mission than fostering the use of gender-sensitive language, Tolulope. (Unless it’s U.N. peacekeepers sexually abusing minors or trafficking in child pornography).

                This writer has, unfortunately, not yet seen any of the new Thomas & Friends episodes, and I am certain I’m much the poorer for missing such festive, beguiling, yet instructional and worthwhile entertainment. Therefore, I am only guessing at the scenes of remarkable inclusiveness and toleration I describe henceforth.

                Episode I: Thomas surprises Bert by coupling with him from the rear! An instant classic, sure to make a strong impression on young boys and girls!

                Episode II: Thomas contemplates suicide when he realizes he himself is putting greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.

                Episode III: Gordon tells Thomas he now identifies as a girl. Thomas tells Gordon how proud he is of her, adding that she can couple up with him any time. Gordon playfully smacks him, yet leaves wiggling her caboose at Thomas. Unfortunately, later in the episode, Gordon spontaneously combusts due to human-caused global warming.

                Episode IV: Emily, Henry, Mike, and Edward are “hooking up” while berating President Donald Trump for ruining the planet. “Donald” (recast as an obvious Trump look-alike) comes across them and threatens to derail them all with Hitleresque brutality.

                Episode V: Annie and Nia engage in hot lesbian action. After they are both satisfied they turn to the camera and fervently espouse the virtues of a liberal education and a vegan diet. Unfortunately, later in the episode, they are both destroyed by a man-caused-global-warming-induced hurricane.

                Episode VI: Butch comes out of the closet. Diesel says he is transgender. Belle says she is gender-queer. Toby volunteers for the “Elizabeth Warren 2020” campaign.

                Episode VII: Sailor John rubs Thomas’ undercarriage until he “blows his stack”…while reciting lines from the Communist Manifesto!

                Episode VIII: Percy, Skiff, Clarabel and Daisy discuss the merits of socialism and how capitalism exploits the working class. Guest stars include Maxine Waters and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!!

  This is education! This is responsible—sustainable!-- entertainment for kids and adults!

  Soon Hollywood will turn to the U.N. for most of its creative inspiration. It’s only natural. They have long had the same world-view.

  And a New World Disorder will reign.

               

From Genesis To Conclusion

    We now debase, demean and denigrate the good, the meaningful, and the holy, while we elevate, champion, indeed worship the low, the crass, the banal, the meaningless, and even the unholy.

                The divine is ridiculed, sex is cheapened, and religion mocked in every corner of our “culture.” The Lord’s name is taken in vain on a continuous basis, conservative women are called “c**ts,” or worse, with no consequence. “Hooking up,” is the generic, no-strings attached term that has stripped the act of sexual intercourse of any sacred connotations. Violence, murder and various other criminal acts form the basis and plotline of nearly every single television show or movie. And video game, for that matter. That’s entertainment! Songs proclaim “I’m Going Straight To Hell” while those performing it yuck it up.  “Artists” can place Christ in a jar of urine, put dung on an image of Mother Mary, or call a gold-plated toilet “America,” and receive critical praise for these “works.” “Fuck” is used so often by almost every man, woman and child that it might as well be a definite article. “The” might be the only word more commonly uttered by many. “G*ddamnit” is another ubiquitous expression that is politically correct, but, G*ddamnit, don’t say “All lives matter” or use an “incorrect” pronoun when addressing a man who identifies as a woman, or they’ll put your tit in a ringer!

              Christianity is passé. Drag-queens are reading to our young kids in school. Everywhere gays are proud-- and growing prouder all the time. Transgenders roam free-range bathrooms. The LGBTQ Community rules the day. Pampered, grotesquely-high-paid professional athletes refuse to stand for the National Anthem, but wallow in the most vile rap songs.

 What’s worse, hundreds of millions of dollars of taxpayer’s money is used to help exterminate hundreds of thousands of babies each year.

 All this in the land of the (guilt) free and the home of the (recently) depraved.

Desantis Attacked For Using The Word "Monkey"

               

                Florida’s sixth congressional district Representative Ron Desantis has been the target of savage, yet baseless, attacks from the usual suspects in the “mainstream media.” Desantis is in a heated race for the Florida governorship with Tallahassee mayor Andrew Gillum, who is black. Desantis called Gillum an “articulate spokesman” for “far-left views” during a recent interview, before imploring Florida voters not to “monkey this up” by electing him.

                Every sane person knows he was urging voters not to “screw” things up or “eff” things up (in the parlance of young leftists) by electing so radical a candidate and blowing up the economy. But progressives will grab hold of anything they think could be useful in branding conservatives as racist/sexist/homophobic/ transphobic/bestialityphobic/necrophiliaphobic/intolerant/bigoted bastards.

                Here are definitions of monkey:

Noun-

1.       a small to medium-sized primate that typically has a long tail, most kinds of which live in trees in tropical countries. (Desantis obviously didn’t mean this).

2.       a pile-driving machine consisting of a heavy hammer or ram working vertically in a groove. (Desantis obviously didn’t mean this, either, though Gillum probably would be proud of this characterization).

Verb-

(monkey around/about)

1.       behave in a silly or playful way. (There you have it).

  If the word “monkey”—at least as Desantis used it-- is a racist epithet, then words have no real meaning, apart from that which various groups wish to ascribe to them. And then chaos, confusion and conflict will reign.

         In the late 1960’s, during the Age of Aquarius, a rock band called The Monkees was popular. I have updated their theme song in honor of Ron Desantis:

         Here I come, walkin’

Down the street

I get the rudest looks

And the meanest tweets

Hey, hey, I said “monkey”

And people want to run me aground

But I’m too busy campaigning

To put anybody down

I go wherever I want to

Do what I like to do

Though their attacks are so feckless

There’s always something new

Hey, hey, I said monkey

And Gillum doesn’t want me around

But he’s too busy complaining

To say anything profound

I’m just tryin’ to be honest

Help me keep the hounds at bay

‘Cuz the younger generation

Would love to lock me away

Any time, or anywhere

Just look over your shoulder

Socialists will be there

I’m just tryin’ to be helpful

Preserve the American way

But the younger generation

Would love to lock me away

Hey, hey, I said monkey

Hey, hey, I said monkey

Hey, hey, I said monkey

Guess I’ll be seein’ ya’ ‘round

So you’d better get ready

‘Cuz they’ll soon be tearing you down

Hey, hey, I said “monkey”

As in please do not “monkey this up”

The left’s so busy complaining

Can’t we all grow the eff up?

Hey, hey, I said monkey

And people wanna kick me around

But I’m too busy campaigning

To put anybody down

Hey, hey, I said “monkey”