Saturday, March 17, 2018

Russia Behind Global Warming

                Russia is behind the catastrophic global-warming crisis enveloping the planet, an anonymous source has informed me.
                I was stunned when he first confided this to me, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. After all, Russian scientists have frequently sought to deny the existence of-- or minimize the threat from—global warming for years now, claiming the sun is somehow more relevant to temperatures on Earth than human beings are. As has been proven on numerous occasions, the more Russians deny something, the more certain we can be that they are responsible for it.
                Moreover, Russia has the most to gain from a warming planet, as it possesses the lion’s share of the surface area above the 60th parallel. Think of the resources that are currently locked up under snow and ice! And how much cheaper it would be to access them if the landmass thawed out! The country is obviously banking on global warming continuing for some time, as they have more ships designated to operate in the Arctic than any other nation. Mere coincidence—or inside knowledge? Think about it.
                Also, Russians have long tired of having Siberia be the butt of the world’s jokes. “You think this is cold? Go to Siberia!” Adding a couple of degrees Celsius to the region’s average temperature might be good for the tourism business.
                And, speaking of Siberia, my source tells me that the clever Cossacks have a secret installation outside of Olenek where they are running tens of thousands of SUVs 24-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week. The gasoline-powered vehicles are kept in what is, in effect, the world’s largest carport. The structure has open sides, but a roof above, painted to match the surrounding environment so as to avoid detection by U.S. satellites. The sly Slavs are doing this for two reasons: one, to lower the world’s petroleum inventory, thereby driving up the price of oil, and two, in an attempt to speed up the pace at which the planet warms.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Alaska Airlines Feeling The Heat

Alaska Airlines is the latest carrier to have its reputation crash and burn. First, reports surfaced that one of its pilots flew from California to Oregon—and back—all while allegedly drunk.  Then, on March 14th, one of its pilots filed a lawsuit against her co-pilot, accusing him of drugging and raping her during a “layover” in Minneapolis. One day later, Alaska Airlines confirmed to ABC news that the co-pilot had been grounded, but declined to comment further due to the “open and active investigation.”
Back in 1990, every member of a three-man Northwest Airlines crew was sentenced to prison for flying drunk from Fargo, North Dakota to Minneapolis. And, in April of 2016, an American Airlines pilot flunked two sobriety tests before 7 a.m. as he was about to take off from Detroit.
These recent events led me to plagiarize my own writing from a piece I composed immediately after the Northwest fiasco came to light, all those beers years ago. So, here, in the form of a Top 10 list,  are…

The 10 Things Most Frequently Heard In An Alaska Airlines cockpit:

#10) “We’re at 32,000 feet, but I’m flying even higher!”
  #9) “Crap, I’ve spilled my cocktail on the auto-pilot controls!”
  #8) “That damn stewardess charged us full price again for this round, Bob!”
  #7) “Hey, we’re running low on pull-tabs up here!”
  #6) “Look, there’s a moon over my Manhattan!”
  #5) “You take over, Ed, I’ve gotta go take another leak! Whoa, is the cockpit floor uneven?”
  #4) “Do we get 3.2 or strong up here?”
  #3) “Dammit, she knows I get three olives in my Martini! And what's with the #MeToo button?”
  #2) “Who put their cigarette out in my Budweiser?”

  And the most common thing heard in an Alaskan Airlines cockpit is…
  “Why don’t they have sick bags hanging over us?”

“Alaska Airlines: Our pilots like to be served, too”

(Alaska Airlines has historically been at or near the top of customer service rankings for commercial carriers serving the United States. This is only a spoof!)

Thursday, March 15, 2018

It's A Dog's Life On United Airlines

                United Airlines is on a roll. A bad roll to be sure, but a roll none-the-less. After literally dragging at least one person off a flight, inexplicably booting others from their flights, and experiencing numerous passenger-flight attendant run-ins, the company is once again beset by animal related problems the likes of which started all its troubles in the first place.
                Recently, a United Airlines attendant reportedly forced a woman to put her dog, enclosed in a proper crate, in the overhead compartment, despite the fact she had paid the $125 fee to have the pet on the plane with her. The dog died prior to arrival at their destination.
                Shortly thereafter, a family moving from Oregon to Kansas via the Friendly Skies discovered that their dog Irgo, who was being transported by kennel in the cargo hold of a separate plane, never arrived at the Wichita airport. In his place was a Great Dane. The two dogs had been mixed up, and ergo Irgo, a German Shepherd, was shipped to the Great Dane’s destination…Japan. Maybe United thought the Dane would be happier in flat, understated Kansas, while the German canine could be re-United with a fellow Axis power.
                By way of explanation, the airline told the woman that the two kennels looked similar. (But not the living beings inside them). That’s as may be, but most airplanes look similar, too, yet they typically arrive at the correct destination. According to the woman, prior to admitting the mistake, the airline showed her paperwork stating that they delivered the correct dog.
                To make matters worse, according to KCTV, United told the woman that because Irgo was sent on an international flight, he might have to be quarantined for up to two weeks before he could be flown back.
United spokesman Jonathan Guerin said, “We apologize for this mistake and are following up with the vendor kennel where they were kept overnight to understand what happened.”
United reported a total of 18 animal deaths in 2017, three times higher than the total number of deaths reported by the other three airlines that documented incidents involving animals. That fauna fatality figure included 12 dogs, three cats, two geckos, and a bird. Various causes of death were reported, including heat stroke and anxiety. One dog escaped from its confinement and was subsequently hit by a vehicle.
They say every dog has its day. But, just to be safe, don’t put yours on a United Airlines flight.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Media Madness

                The House Intelligence Committee closed its inquiry into Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election on Monday, March 12th. While the committee did confirm the Russkies were attempting to sow chaos surrounding the election, it found that they weren’t specifically trying to help Trump, and that there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia.
                Oddly enough, the three major television network news outlets, who seemingly have spent three to six minutes every night on the “Trump-Russian Collusion Scandal” since before the election itself, were loathe to report on this significant finding. Yes, the same networks that jointly spent hundreds of hours in animated indignation, speculation, excitement, mockery and virtue-signaling while reporting on the much-cherished “scandal” managed to carve out a total of 58 seconds of airtime to devote to the committee’s “not guilty” verdict.
                The CBS Evening News gave 31 seconds to the findings, carefully noting that it was Republicans who issued the report and that Democrats on the House panel are expected to put out their own report...with different findings. And that the Senate Intelligence Committee is also investigating Russian meddling. Oh, and that the special counsel, Robert Mueller is, too.
                ABC’s World News Tonight gave the development 27 seconds of precious airtime.
                NBC didn’t mention it at all. This is understandable, however, given the other pressing news items they had to squeeze into the broadcast. For example, they berated Trump’s school safety plan and solemnly noted the continuing turnover in the White House, high-lighted a Powerball lottery winner and the story surrounding her, and appeared utterly gob-smacked by billionaire Warren Buffet’s $1 million employee March Madness NCAA basketball bracket challenge.
                Had the findings been reversed, the three networks would’ve cancelled all other programming for the remainder of the month, and launched a revised schedule of 24-hour-a-day “Trump Did It” programming replete with expanded newscasts, “special reports,” documentaries, call-in shows, and probably a musical or two.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Ten Years After: Progressive Dystopia

            In 1996, President Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act, a law that defined federal marriage as a union between one man and one woman.  
In 2008, Hillary Clinton opposed gay marriage. Today, she’s a huge fan of same-sex unions.

In 2008, Barack Hussein Obama opposed gay marriage as contrary to his own deeply held Muslim Christian beliefs. Today, he’s a staunch supporter, as well. Prior to 2008, Obama also believed in strengthening the U.S.’s border with Mexico. In fact, in 2006, he voted for a measure to create 700 miles of new fencing along the Mexican border. Today, he’s adamantly opposed to such restrictive, mean-spirited, xenophobic measures.
Ten years ago, there was still some debate about global warming/climate change. Today, if one doesn’t parrot Al Gore he or she is labeled a “Denier.” It won’t be long before these troublemakers are literally labeled with a scarlet letter “D,” perhaps tattooed onto their cheeks and/or foreheads.
Ten years ago, if a small group of people claimed that every human being is whatever sex they’d like to identify as, and should be able to use the bathrooms and locker rooms of their chosen gender identity, they would’ve been considered radical and pushy at best. Most folks would’ve considered them comically unreasonable. Today, social media platforms recognize dozens and dozens of possible genders, and the “backward” states and municipalities that cling to the quaint, if reactionary, notion of two distinct sexes are denied federal monies and are refused consideration to host major revenue-generating events such as a Super Bowl or NCAA basketball Final Four.
Already, the “rights” of the trans-specied and polyamorous, among others, are being discussed in certain progressive circles. Progressives are never satisfied. They never quit. They never rest. They never cease pushing and prodding, shaming and lecturing, berating, lying, euphemizing, euthanizing. 
And all this is done with the unquestioning, unwavering, whole-hearted support of the mainstream media. No other industry in American history has ever abandoned its mission and stated principles as the Fourth Estate has done in recent years. Their laziness, casual slander, and use of obfuscation and prevarication, have reached new and truly dangerous levels during President Trump’s short time in office.
On May 9th, 2012, ABC actually broke into its daytime television lineup to announce that then President Obama had changed his mind and declared his unconditional personal support for gay marriage. Obama told ABC news, “I’ve been going through an evolution on this issue.” In one fell swoop, Barry pandered to his hip, leftist base…and got in a plug for evolution! (Though I was always taught evolution was an extremely slow, gradual process, not one to significantly change things in four or five years).
Does a network have to break into “regularly scheduled programming” to bring its viewers this “news?” Is it really akin to “Planes Hit World Trade Center,” or “Japanese Bomb Pearl Harbor?”
The dogma of equality of result, combined with that of equivocation and the primacy of secularism, dictates that there must always be another grievance, another victimized group until the majority becomes the minority and/or society collapses. The, “A man is a woman is a horse is a wood-tick is an amoeba” doctrine is an illogical fallacy. As are the ideas that all conceivable marriage and family structures are equal, and that all societies and religions are equal at any given point in history.
Recognizing the truth can sometimes be inconvenient. For instance, Al Gore probably wouldn’t like me to call attention to his 2006 quote, as reported by the Washington Post, stating that he “believes humanity may have only 10 years left to save the planet from turning into a total frying pan.”
We’re not sizzling yet, Al. In fact, many of us just came through a colder than normal winter. And, 10 years after 2006 would’ve been 2016. The year Donald Trump was elected president of the United States. Maybe the planet can yet be saved.
But only if regular Joes and Josies: 1) stop allowing radical “progressives” to sexually, morally, and politically harass them with impunity, and 2) refuse to let leftists take away their rights of free speech and self-protection.
Given the astounding rate of cultural change in the West, we may have only 10 years left to save the planet from plunging into eternal chaos and darkness.
Everywhere is freaks and hairies
Dykes and fairies, tell me where is sanity
Tax the rich, feed the poor
'Til there are no rich no more?

(Ten Years After; 1971)

Monday, March 12, 2018

California Collapse

                California, the formerly Golden State, ranks dead last among all U.S. states in terms of “quality of life,” according to a study by U.S. News. New Jersey came in at 49th. How can this be? How could this have happened to the erstwhile Land of Milk and Honey, the state to which everyone dreamed of moving?
                As I’ve previously reported, homelessness is rampant. Studies show that the homeless population in Los Angeles increased by a staggering 75% from 2011 thru 2016, and is now approaching 58,000. How could this be? How could this have happened during the reigns of President Barack Obama and Governor Jerry Brown, committed leftists both?
                Residents, while sympathetic to the plight of the homeless, increasingly feel invaded. They are concerned for their physical safety and public health, particularly in light of last year’s hepatitis A outbreak that spread rapidly among the homeless. The homeless seem to be everywhere, and often are reluctant to leave places of business—or citizen’s lawns. Many denizens are experiencing a sense of impending loss and irreversible decline. And a growing number believe that the rights of homeless people have trumped the rights of everyone else.
                Ironically, California’s pathetic quality of life ranking reflects very low marks in the sub-categories of environmental quality and social engagement (a measure of voting participation and “community bonds”). This despite the fact that the state has incredibly stringent environmental regulations—and an unsurpassed record of social-engineering.
                Median rent for a one-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles County has increased by 67% in the past few years according to Zillow’s Rent Index, the Los Angeles Times reported recently. One-third of renters in the L.A. area qualify as severely rent burdened, meaning they spend at least half of their income on housing.
                And 50% of the state’s revenue comes from the wealthiest 1% of Californians.
                Rent control. Punitive environmental regulations. Legalized drug use. Clean-needle programs. Anti-family public policy. A runaway LGBTQ agenda. A swelling illegal immigration population. “Sanctuary cities.” (For whom?!). And the list goes on.
                How could “this” happen to the great state of California? Social engineering and “progressive” policies.
Taking advantage of the law it recently passed, California has availed itself of assisted suicide.
L.A. woman Sunday afternoon
Drive through your suburbs
Into your blues, into your blues, yeah
Into your blue-blue blues
Into your blues, ohh, yeah

Motel money murder madness
Let's change the mood from glad to sadness...

(The Doors; 1971)

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Martha Plimpton, Abortion Goddess

             Martha Plimpton, a mildly famous American stage, film, and television actress, singer, and former model, recently appeared at the #ShoutYourAbortion forum at Seattle’s Town Hall. Ms. Plimpton ingratiatingly told the Seattle audience: “Seattle has some particular significance for me for lots of reasons. I’ve got a lot of family here, some of whom are here in the audience tonight. I also had my first abortion here at the Seattle Planned Parenthood!” (The aborted family member was definitely not in the audience).
She promptly added: “Notice I said ‘first.’ I said ‘first.’ And I don’t want Seattle—I don’t want you guys to feel insecure, it was my best one.” The crowd laughed. Plimpton then yelled “Yay!” and proudly- and triumphantly- raised her arms above her head.
Still not done, she blathered: “Heads and tails above the rest. If I could Yelp review it, I totally would. And if that doctor’s here tonight, I don’t remember you at all, I was 19, but thank you nonetheless.”
In one of life’s tragic ironies, Ms. Plimpton acted in the popular television shows “Raising Hope,” and “Parenthood.”
So, we’d “totally” like to rate and review abortions now? “My best one…ever!” “Awesome!” “Even better than the ones I had in Cleveland, St. Louis, and Philly!” Do we rank them on a five-star system? Should we use Yelp to rate clinics or should we go with a Rotten Tomatoes-like online rating? Perhaps we should have a panel watch the whole performance ala figure skating. “The shears have been jammed into the skull now, nicely done, here comes the suction catheter…the baby’s brains have been sucked out now! Very nice, steady, and fast, no unnecessary movements…and he finished with a little flair! This is going to get strong marks from the judges, Bob! And here they are now…9.9, 9.9…yes!... 9.7, 9.8…and, oh, a 5.1 from the Russian judge! That’s gotta be thrown out!”
Maybe we’ll see new reality shows such as “Abortion with the Stars,” or “America’s Got Scissors?”
Why don’t we see #ShoutYourHomicide campaigns or #ShoutYourAssaultandBattery rallies? Oh, wait, Antifa’s got that one covered, sorry. Everybody seems to be shouting out how proud they are of their previously uncelebrated behavior and lifestyle choices. Why marginalize and exclude the #ShoutYourIncest or #ShoutYourWhiteSupremacy communities?

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Cigarette Smoking Orangutan Puts Zoo Under Fire

                 People around the planet are indignant that zookeepers at the Bandung Zoo outside of Jakarta didn’t do more to prevent an orangutan from smoking a cigarette. A recent video captured by a visitor to the zoo has gone viral. The video shows a man tossing his lit cigarette into the 22-year-old Bornean orangutan’s enclosure. The orangutan, named Odon, then picks it up, sits down and proceeds to puff away like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.
                The launching of the “heater,” and the subsequent smoking thereof, are acts considered so heinous by animal rights activists that they themselves “went ape.” The indignant ones condemned zookeepers for their apparent lack of supervision and zoo managers for their “lack of control.” That’s easy for them to say, but I doubt any one of these animal allies would have gone up to the primate and ripped the cigarette from his lips. After all, it’s possible Odon, like Tareyton fans in days of yore, “would rather fight then switch.”
                Seeing an orangutan with a butt in his mouth so frightened throngs of already unstable lefties that a petition to “Shut down the Bandung Zoo now!” currently has almost 1 million signatures. These mooyaks are deeply troubled that some tobacco smoke might find its way into a simian lung, but are all for dismembering literally countless “fetuses” inside of—or partly outside of—women’s wombs. An old Virginia Slims ad states, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” That we have. Unfortunately, in the wrong direction.
                The zoo’s employees will likely be sent off to smoking re-education camp. Odon’s physical and mental health will surely be evaluated.
                Don’t be surprised if he’s given a prescription for medical marijuana.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Berkeley Now Cannabis Sanctuary

                The Berkeley City Council voted- unanimously- to make the California town a sanctuary city for recreational marijuana use (a bowl asylum?), according to The San Francisco Gate. The move prohibits city employees and agencies from turning over information on legal cannabis activities or assisting in enforcing federal marijuana laws. Potheads and providers are, like, pleased with the decree, thought to be the first of its kind.
                Mayor Jesse Arreguin spoke at the recent council meeting: “We’re keeping with the strong position Berkeley is a sanctuary for people in our community. I believe we can balance public safety and resisting the Trump administration.”
                City officials are so happy with Berkeley’s burgeoning reputation as a “sanctuary city” for illegal aliens and cannabis consumers, they are considering other groups and behaviors to single out as protected in their town. An anonymous source tells me the burg is currently mulling over proposals that could see it become a “sanctuary city” for serial jaywalkers, crack cocaine aficionados, pedophiles, the polyamorous, and transgender mulatto Episcopalian dwarves.   
                One thing is certain: it is not a sanctuary for sanity.
                (On a related note: there are still no known sanctuary cities for conservatives).

Thursday, March 8, 2018

McDonalds Flips Its "M"

                 A number of McDonald’s restaurants around the U.S. have turned their iconic arches upside-down in honor of International Women’s Day. The flipped arches form a clear if rounded “W,” in “celebration of women everywhere.” Sadly, the gesture falls short of its intended goal, because the softer edges on the inverted arcs-- and appealing curvature-- no longer bear any relation to how we are supposed to think about women. But, hey, the important thing is that these virtue-signaling eateries have been compelled to trash the status quo. They have turned an “M” into a “W.” That, my friends, is progress!
                I’m waiting for Denny’s® to announce it will be Jenny’s®, at least for the rest of the month. I’m guessing we’ll also see “TGI Frida’s,” “Burger Queen,” “Pizza Slut,” and “Pink Lobster” signs popping up soon. I wouldn’t be surprised if “Hardees” became “Softees” and “Papa John’s” morphed into “Mama Joan’s.” Starbucks, that ubiquitous chain of coffee outlets, will almost certainly pronounce itself “Stardoes,” and adorn its Styrofoam cups with feminist heroes, images, and slogans.
                Conversely, if there were such a thing as a viable, media-recognized “International Men’s Day,” would any Wendy’s® restaurants go to the trouble of changing their signs to read “Mendy’s®?” For even 24 hours? Would Chick-fil-a voluntarily temporarily rebrand as “Dude-fil-a?” Is it likely that “Hooters” would become “Wieners?”

I think not.

There is a clear bias, a soft yet unyielding bigotry afoot in our land.

It is just not one leftists wish to recognize.