Sunday, May 27, 2018

American Airlines Passenger Snaps When Refused Beer

                A passenger on the May 23rd American Airlines flight 1293 from Saint Croix to Miami had his request for beer denied by a flight attendant, sending him into a fit of rage. Apparently, the passenger, identified as Jason Felix in court documents obtained by Fox News, was overheard by the unnamed male flight attendant making an unusual “commotion” in the plane’s bathroom. When Felix’ request for alcohol was not granted, he started pushing against his seatmate in an attempt to get out of his own seat and confront the anonymous flight attendant. Oh, and he also threatened to kill the seatmate, a mid-flight faux-pas that eventually led to a brawl between the two travelers.
                Thirty minutes into the flight, and upon returning to his seat from the lofty loo, Felix hit the call button and requested a beer, which the as yet unnamed flight attendant denied. Felix then called the crew member a “f----t” and a “bitch” according to the Fox news report.
                I’ve been there brother, but I must say there was a better way to handle the admittedly dire situation. Threatening to kill a fellow passenger was an overreaction, despite the extreme provocation. Even given the fact you were riding in a hollow metal tube hurtling through the endless sky at 30,000 feet, breathing foul air and listening to crying babies, snoring men and assorted “comfort animals” passing gas. And this after being groped and fondled by government-sanctioned pseudo-rapists before being allowed to board the metal tube.
                While I, too, believe “comfort alcohol” is more effective than a “comfort animal” any day, situations such as this require a certain subtlety, a deft touch if you will. In the interests of peace and harmony, and the edification of the masses, here’s how I once handled being denied an in-flight beer (on an airline that shall remain nameless as I don’t wish to tarnish its reputation. As if that were still possible). Immediately after rejection, I slowly rose and stated, calmly but loudly, “I have a bomb…..bastic personality, and I’m not afraid to use it!”
                I then threatened to recite every 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign speech until the plane touched down at our destination, some hours later. This ploy is clever and exhibits exemplary restraint. There is no need for name-calling, threats or brawling in the friendly skies.
                The beer flowed like a mountain stream.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Los Angeles Rams To Change Name, Logo

Los Angeles Rams Corporate Office
29899 Agoura Road
Agoura Hills, California 91301
June 18, 2018

Kevin Demoff, Executive Vice President of Football Operations/Chief Operating Officer:

“Ladies and gentleman, non-binaries and members of the LGBTQ community at large, press people, and all those around the world watching the live-streaming of this event, it is my honor and privilege to make a special—and timely—announcement today. In light of the continuing controversy surrounding concussions in sports, and in full acknowledgement of the culturally-defining role the National Football League plays in American life, the Los Angeles Rams hereby announce that we are changing our name and logo. I think we all realize that rams, by their very nature, are continually head-butting each other in a violent but ultimately useless struggle to determine which one is tougher and more persistent. The word itself means either an un-castrated male sheep, is short for ‘battering ram,’ or, in its verb form, is defined as ‘roughly force (something) into place.’ All of this fairly reeks of toxic masculinity which has no place on a modern-day football field. Even the word’s synonyms are steeped in violence: ‘cram, jam, stab, stuff, pack, stick, sink, push (stops to mop brow), plunge, force and thrust.’

“As for our logo, a menacing, snarling ram with head lowered, ready to initiate head-to-head contact on a moment’s notice, well, it was quite obviously time for him to go. That all said, what will be our new team name and motto? Owner Kroenke, general manager Snead and I, among many other valued employees of the club, put our heads together recently…um, well not really…I mean that would be ironic…we didn’t really knock our heads against any other person’s…by this I meant that we shared ideas on what the best image for us going forward would be…and we believe we came up with the right re-branding for the times. Ergo, it is my pleasure to reveal the new logo for… the Los Angeles Sanctuary Seekers! (Demoff then pulls a small tarp off of an easel next to him, with exaggerated flair, revealing a baby-blue logo featuring Mother Theresa sheltering an undocumented alien in her arms, looking at him beatifically). Voilá! (Silence for a moment, then gasps and cheers). I know, right?

“This storied franchise was founded back in 1936, a very different time indeed. And we still play in a ‘Coliseum,’ as bizarre as that term sounds to the modern ear. But we recognize this is a new and enlightened era. That is why we are also announcing today that we are installing ‘safe spaces’ on the sidelines of our field, so that our players—or our opponents—can have an oasis, if you will, of peace, comfort, ease and safety if game play becomes too stressful or competitive for them. (Much cheering, many stand and hug each other, some wiping their eyes). Thank you, thank you very much! I can see we’ve made the right choices. You have validated us! Our incoming college draft choices, in particular, will benefit from the familiar and welcoming safe spaces. We will provide these havens with warm milk, Play-Doh™, and Siberian Husky puppies. (More applause).

“Bless you all. It’s a new day in LA!”


Friday, May 25, 2018

More Great Government Spending Programs!

                It's never too early to start thinking about your taxes, fellow citizens. Long before you reach for your W-4 form, or make that check out to Uncle Sam, take a look at some of the fantastic things the tax dollars taken from you (under penalty of law) have paid for recently!

                In 2017, we spent:

                *$30,000 on “Doggie Hamlet” via the National Endowment for the Arts. [“To pee, or not to pee (on master’s Persian rug), that is the question.”]
                *$700,000 for a community center with high-speed internet for LaGrange, Arkansas, a town of 78 inhabitants. (Only $8,974 per person! Let’s do this for every small town in every state!)
                *$1.5 million for a study to answer the age-old question of how to make tomatoes taste better. (This is why government is so inefficient. I’d say make them taste like bacon, and only charge Uncle Sam $50. Savings to the American taxpayer: $1,499,950)
                *$2 million for EPA security needs due to threats from climate change activists. (Want to lessen pollution? Get rid of the climate change activists)
                *$15 million to train Kenyan farmers on how to use Facebook. (Coincidentally, the same amount of money Facebook spent on how to use Kenyan farmers)
                *$15 million training Walmart cashiers in Mexico. (Too easy. Insert your own joke here).

                *$255 million repairing roads…in Afghanistan. (WTF? There aren’t $255 million worth of roads in Afghanistan) 

                You're feeling better already, aren't you?

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Stormy Daniels: Hooray For (West) Hollywood!

                Hooray for Hollywood!

                Well, at least West Hollywood, the mayor of which joined other city officials recently to present adult-film star “Stormy Daniels” with a key to the city…and a city proclamation, according to media reports. The city’s muckety-mucks recognized Daniels via press release for her “leadership in the #RESIST movement, and averred that she has “proven herself to be a profile in courage by speaking truth to power even under threats to her safety and extreme intimidation.” Apparently fearing that this alone was insufficient idolatry of the Anomic Blonde, the city also proclaimed May 23rd “Stormy Daniels Day.” West Hollywood, a city that had previously passed resolutions calling for articles of impeachment to be introduced against President Trump, honored Stormy largely for her own attempts to aid and abet the impeachment of Trump for questionable moral character.
                Daniels started stripping as a 17-year-old in a club in Baton Rouge, and has gone on to star in 275 adult films, including true cinematic classics such as “Da Vagina Code” and “Revenge of the Dildos.” The unnatural blonde then got into directing XXX-movies. She gave a tip of her hat to Judd Apatow, from whom she says she learned her directing skills. Apatow, the big-time mainstream Hollywood director who cast Daniels in a number of his popular movies, told Conan O’Brien, “She’s very nice and super smart and great to work with so we just kept asking her to be in all of our movies.”
                Ms. Daniels flirted (a term with which she has vast and intimate knowledge) with a run for political orifice  office herself a few years ago, contemplating campaigning for the U.S. Senate. Her would-be slogan? “Stormy Daniels: Screwing People Honestly.”
                In days of yore, it was usually great inventors, titans of industry, renowned artists or amazing athletes who were rewarded with keys to cities and feted with their own “days.” Today, it is only a matter of time before Jenna Jameson is appointed ambassador to Denmark and Jesse Jane becomes Secretary of Health and Education. “Alexis Texas” may well soon win a Nobel Prize for perfecting the female orgasm while informing us all that each and every climax helps combat climate change. Surely Tori Black will soon be knighted and Madison Ivy will be handed the keys to New York City…as long as they are in the #RESIST movement.
                Local efforts to impeach a president have no legal standing. Loco attempts to impugn the legitimacy of the president, however, can have serious consequences. The mainstream media is currently obsessed with all things pornographic. They perpetually appear near climax when interviewing Stormy or her exceptionally strange lawyer.
                The Press and The Swamp have no moral character. They make beautiful, if banal, obscenities together. True pornography can be no better defined than the willful attempt to impeach a legally, democratically elected president for no valid reason and to attack the foundations—and Founders-- of the most tolerant and successful nation in the history of the world…for one’s own benefit.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Hillary Pillory

                 Hillary Clinton carries a grudge the way a new mother carries her baby: lovingly and in a protective embrace. She’ll probably carry this one to her grave. Were it possible to run for president as an infant, she would’ve cradled it from cradle to grave. During her commencement address to graduating Yale students recently, she made yet another (“joking”) reference to Russians helping President Trump defeat her in the election of 2016: “Now I see looking out at you that you are following the tradition of over the top hats,” she intoned, “So, I brought a hat too.” She then pulled out a Russian “ushanka” hat and briefly put it on, saying, “A Russian hat, right? Look, I mean, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” Her audience applauded and cheered. Sad, nyet?
                This was at once appalling and pathetic, as it now appears that the Clinton Foundation and the Obama administration were the only ones heartily colluding with the Russkies. Even more hypocritically, she went on to list what she purports to be the dangers to democracy: “Waging a war on the rule of law and a free press, de-legitimizing elections, perpetrating shameless corruption, and rejecting the idea that our leaders should be public servants undermines our national unity.” She also stated, apparently without biting the insides of her cheek with the force of a crocodile latching onto a large fish, “There are certain things that are so essential they should transcend politics.”
                At which point, utterly unable to transcend politics, she admitted that she was not over her surprise loss in the 2016 presidential election that she has ever since tried to de-legitimize. To the Clintons, nothing transcends politics. Bill Clinton believed that interns should be leader’s servants, possibly in public, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. He didn’t care about de-legitimizing elections, but was furious if a woman attempted to de-legitimize his erection. “Shameless corruption” is now an actual synonym for “Clinton.”

                Just a couple of days after her performance at Yale, Clinton matriculated to Hofstra University in New York, and delivered an impassioned speech praising women’s influence- and participation- in politics… before officially endorsing Andrew Cuomo for that state’s governor over his opponent Cynthia Nixon. Ironically, she remarked that women “are making their voices heard like never before” this election year. Is this the smartest woman who ever trod the surface of the planet? Or just another bureaucrat…in a hat?

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Notes On The Decline

Notes on the Decline:

*The University of California-Santa Barbara lists the following as micro-aggressions: “America is the land of opportunity” and “I believe the most qualified person should get the job.” The damning and dismissing of truisms leaves no room for anything but eventual, total societal collapse.

*Progressives/leftists look at truth the way many obese persons view their reflection in the mirror—they don’t really believe what they see, because, if they did, it would shame them. If the truth doesn’t comport with their chosen reality (and they believe they can choose their reality like they choose their gender or a pair of socks), then it can’t be…the truth.

*NOAA’s actual temperature record shows that the United States was warmest in the 1930s and has cooled recently, even as atmospheric CO2 has continued to increase, debunking the greenhouse gas theory…and prompting it to adjust the data to make it appear that the U.S. has been warming all along…and still is today. According to online reports, most of these adjustments are due to simply making up data.  Every month, a certain percentage of the 1,218 United States Historical Climatology Network (USHCN) stations fail to report their data, and the temperature gets estimated by NOAA using a computer model. Missing data is marked in the USHCN database with an “E” – meaning “estimated.” In 1970, about 10% of the data was missing, but that number has increased to almost 50%, meaning that almost half of the current adjusted data is “estimated,” i.e. fake. More than a few scientists and climatologists think the Earth is entering a pronounced period of global cooling. 

Monday, May 21, 2018

Brown University Segregates For Reconciliation!

                Brown University, that estimable fount of higher education, has decided to promote “racial reconciliation” by offering segregated events to its black and female Muslim students. The school came up with this brilliant idea after the violent clashes between opposing protesters in Charlottesville this past August.
                Reconciliation by segregation?
                Reconciliation: “A change from a state of enmity and fragmentation to one of harmony and fellowship.”
                Segregation: “The action or state of setting someone or something apart from other people or things or being set apart.”
                Attention, Brown: this is like screwing for abstinence, going crazy for mental health, or espousing genocide to achieve a tolerant, non-violent world. It’s akin to eating deep-fried cheese curds to promote healthy diets, or voting for Maxine Waters to bring dignity and reason back to our body politic.  
                This move by Brown is entirely in keeping with today’s outright celebration of insanity and perversion. The left’s strategy is to knowingly- and brazenly- accuse non-leftists of what they themselves are all about. This shouldn’t be news to anyone, but, tragically, is only known by a relative few who actually pay attention to history. This is straight out of the communist playbook, and Saul Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals.”
                There is a word for the removal of ambiguity, for attempting to make something clear: disambiguation. I myself try to be a disambiguationist. So do Dennis Prager, Ben Shapiro, Rush Limbaugh, Jordan Peterson and Mark Steyn, among others.

                Leftists strive to do the opposite, as if they could turn disambiguation into the world’s first one-word oxymoron. They claim to want to clarify things, while doing everything in their considerable power to muddy things up. This is why they engage in euphemism fests and accuse their opponents of engaging in exactly the same behavior that they so enjoy. In their perfect world, disambiguation does exactly the opposite of what its intended to do, much like many members of the Republican Party. 

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Abortion As Comedy

                “Ctrl Alt Del” is a new, scripted “comedy” series available on Facebook. Is the plot of this web series related to computing? Why, of course not. Perish the thought! It is about abortion (speaking of “perishing”). Delete? You know, just the routine, clinical erasing of life. Just hit the “backspace” button and the error is voided.
                The series’ creators, Roni Geva and Margaret Katch, say they are seeking to “normalize” abortion through jokes. The seven-part narrative takes place at a Midwestern abortion clinic, utilizing real women’s stories. Geva and Katch actually labeled the web series “an abortion comedy.”
                The show’s Facebook page tells their tale, stating: “When we had our abortions, we looked to the media for stories to relate to and found a whole lot of nothing. So we decided to change the narrative.” The idea for the “show” stemmed from Geva reflecting on how “judgey” she once was toward a woman who had had many abortions. “Ctrl Alt Del” currently has an 8.1 rating (out of a maximum possible 10) on The Internet Movie Data Base (IMDB), yet more proof that the left revels in depravity while savaging those who dare to hold traditional values.
                Do the insanely hypocritical animals (yes, animals, mainstream media!) that think abortion is just another valid form of birth-control (for the lazy, careless and promiscuous), typically find mass school shootings humorous, as well? And, really, what are school shootings but very late-term abortions?
                Perhaps we are missing the proverbial boat here. Maybe there are more opportunities to create jocular television and web programming. Let’s all think seriously now. Can there be anything more hilarious than abortion? How about plague? Widespread famine? Nuclear war? Genocide?
                Apparently, sickeningly, there are people out there saying, “A comedy series about abortion sounds too good to be true! What’s the Katch, Margaret?”  But no one can “change the narrative” on mass-murder. No one can “normalize” infanticide.
                Perhaps we were a bit too “judgey” toward Hitler and the Holocaust?
                This past week we have seen many in the mainstream media and the Democratic Party side with terrorists who chant “Death to America,” a mass-murdering dictator, and a Satanically vicious gang, MS-13, against the president of the United States and everyday Americans.
                The politically-correct Progressive crowd believes that stating “All Lives Matter” is a worse offense than depriving someone of life. They believe that calling those who rape, maim and kill for fun “animals” is a greater crime than the raping, maiming or killing.
President Trump seems willing to stand up to the swamp-dwellers, the terrorists, the murdering animals. The rest of us? Not so much.

                The “Spark of Divinity” grows dim in us all.   

Legalize Prostitution

             Many activities that used to be illegal- or at least frowned upon- are being legalized and codified lately: gay marriage, smoking pot, and assisted suicide among them. (And the reverse is also true: many that used to be legal and admired, such as telling the truth, are now frowned upon or illegal). So, perhaps it’s time we legalized prostitution, as well. I mean, it is the oldest profession, right? What could be the harm? Besides, it’s only a matter of a few short years before everyone will own a sex-bot and the whole issue will be moot.
 Pimps and brothels could then be properly regulated, and put under EEOC guidelines. They wouldn’t be able to discriminate on the basis of looks, disability or age. How great would that be?! They’d have to have a certain percentage of ugly employees and a certain percentage of octogenarians. They’d have a set quota of paraplegics, as well as male and female employees. And transgenders, too. Can you imagine the advertisements they’d need to employ, as now legal businesses, to be competitive in today’s rapidly changing society? “Come on down to ‘Denny’s Den O’ Diversity,’ where we’ve got all your tastes covered. Denny’s, because sometimes you feel like nuts, sometimes you don’t. And remember, Armand and Joy got nuts, Lars don’t!”

Friday, May 18, 2018

White Noise And The Bluebird...Of Unhappiness

“The bluebird didn't realize what she was getting herself into when she chose her new home, about 75 yards from a natural gas compressor. It was only as the days and weeks wore on that the low whine of machinery started to take a toll. It was harder to hear the sounds of approaching predators, or even the normal noises of the surrounding world, so she had to maintain constant vigilance. Her stress hormone levels became skewed; her health deteriorated. She couldn't resettle elsewhere, because she had a nest full of hatchlings to tend. Yet her chicks suffered too, growing up small and scantily feathered — if they survived at all.”

So began the “science” article in The Washington Post. Really.
The piece went on to quote Rob Guralnick, associate curator of biodiversity informatics (!) at the Florida Museum of Natural History: “Noise is causing birds to be in a situation where they're chronically stressed. . . and that has really huge health consequences for birds and their offspring.” The article did admit it would be a “stretch” to say noise damages birds’ “mental health,” since “the animals have not been evaluated by an avian psychologist.” Thanks for clearing that up.
In a paper recently published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (get 52 issues plus a special year-end ‘bonus’ issue for just $99.95 if you call their subscription hotline now—ask for JorgĂ©!), Guralnick and his accomplices colleagues say there is a clear connection between noise pollution and birds’ stress levels. Guralnick termed this finding “acoustic degradation of the environment,” and added, “We think it is a real conservation concern.” There you have it, the science is settled!
The research examined 240 nesting sites surrounding natural gas treatment facilities at the Bureau of Land Management’s Rattlesnake Canyon Habitat Management Area, which, though uninhabited, is “dotted with natural gas wells and compression stations that emit a constant, low-frequency hum in roughly the same range as many birds’ songs,” according to The Post.
It was there, upon this vast tract of open land in northern New Mexico, that the scientists purported to find that the lady bluebird so tenderly described in the article’s opening paragraph… suffered from the very same physiological symptoms as a human experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder.
Newsflash: birds are nervous, they flit around and can’t sit still, they poop all over and don’t live particularly long. There’s a good reason for that. It’s not because of PTSD, it’s because they’re effing birds, you morons!
Noise is causing birds to be stressed? Have the scientists ever been near a flock of geese or around a murder of crows? And what of the “constant, low-frequency hum in roughly the same range as many birds’ songs?” Unlike the shrill, deafening cacophony of geese and crow flocks, why would a low-frequency hum in the same range as birds own songs drive them nuts? Does their own singing cause them undue stress?
As for the assertion that noise is causing birds “really huge” health consequences, do real scientists use terms like “really huge?” Isn’t “huge” alone more than enough to make a clinical, unbiased point? Why risk sounding like a sophomore on a chat line?
And don’t try to tell me that “The bluebird didn't realize what she was getting herself into when she chose her new home, about 75 yards from a natural gas compressor.” There’s a reason that she…chose her new home, about 75 yards from a natural gas compressor, dumb asses. Or, did evil 
Republicans conspire to turn off the compressors until Ladybird selected her nesting site, luring the poor marginalized creature into the realm of Hades?

                (Don’t get me wrong, I love wildlife. I love birds. Honestly. I actually served as an amateur ornithologist and bird guide at a nature center near my home for parts of two years as a youth. I just don’t like coercion, lying, bullying and bullshit, i.e. the left’s habit of reading us bedtime stories as if they were settled science).