MasterCard To Allow Transgendered To Choose Their Name

                In a recent press release, MasterCard announced the roll-out of its “True Name” card policy, which will soon allow transgender and non-binary people to use names other than their legal name on their credit cards. According to Time magazine, Raj Seshadri, the president of U.S. issuers at MasterCard, stated: “What we’re introducing is a card that represents an individual as who they truly are.”

                Which is the opposite of the truth, of course. They are introducing a card that represents an individual as who they are pretending to be. The “True Name” policy is a sham…unless one believes that an individual’s true name is anything other than his or her legal one.

                Randall Tucker, Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer for MasterCard, said in a press release: “We are allies of the LGBTQIA+ community, which means if we see a need or if this community is not being served in the most inclusive way, we want to be a force for change to help address and alleviate unnecessary pain points. This translates not only for our MasterCard employee community but for our cardholders and the communities in which we operate more broadly. Our vision is that every card should be for everyone.” Every card should be for everyone? That might lead to confusion.

                Apparently, the ultra-woke credit card company started pondering the idea after its leadership learned of a 2015 study purporting to show that 32 percent of people who identified as transgender reported being harassed when attempting to use a form of ID that did not match either their name or their gender.

                What if I try to use an ID that doesn’t match my name or my gender? Will checkout clerks, police officers, rental car companies, and bouncers-- to name a few-- be cool with that?  Will they be tolerant and inclusive? Or will they “harass” me? If MasterCard is only planning to allow the transgendered and non-binary to get away with using whatever name they choose on their cards, that is highly discriminatory and non-inclusive.

    If I happen to be a 6’ 5” muscular man with a large Adam’s apple, protruding package, and loads of facial hair, and present a MasterCard and supporting ID showing my name as “Tina” and gender as female, I better not get any questioning looks or I’m going to sue.  “Master the possibilities” I always say.

   Having a penis and still being recognized as a female? Priceless. For this—and everything else-- there’s MasterCard.

"Special Person's Day"

                It’s getting dumber “down under.” Some in Australia’s loony left want to re-brand Father’s Day as “Special Person’s Day.” One of the daffiest “progressive” Aussies is Dr. Red Ruby Scarlet, a leader of the Social Justice in Early Childhood activist group. (Incredibly, that is her real name…and that is a real group). Dr. Scarlet (in the study with the lead pipe?) recently told a local media outlet that the change from the archaic “Father’s Day” to “Special Person’s Day” should be made so as not to make kids without fathers feel bad. She added that “shifting the language” to make labels more “inclusive” to children from “special communities” would be a win-win for everyone involved, traditional and non-traditional families alike.

                As you might have guessed, several Australian schools have already complied with Dr. Scarlet’s wishes and have replaced references to Father’s Day with the more modern Special Person’s Day. One school, Moonee Ponds West Primary, even proactively dispensed with references to Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in favor of acknowledging and celebrating the U.N. International Day of Families. Its principal remarked, “I believe celebrating International Day of Families is a more inclusive way of celebrating the richness, diversity and complexity of living and loving as a family in the modern world.” I don’t know if that statement scares you as much as it scares me, but there can be entirely too much “richness” and “complexity” when it comes to loving.

                Those who want to get rid of Father’s Day (and/or Mother’s Day) in favor of “Special Person’s Day” or the U.N.’s “International Day of Families” should immediately be frog-marched into The Outback and made to stay there until they return to their senses. Interesting, isn’t it, that progressives love identity politics when it comes to lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders, for example, but hate the idea of mother’s and fathers getting their day in the sun? (Happy PRIDE! month, by-the-way). And a U.N. “International Day of (anything)” should scare the crap out of any sentient, freedom-loving being. (Happy U.N. Peacekeepers “International Day of Childhood Sexual Abuse!”).

                If Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are to be replaced by Special Person’s Day, then Grandparent’s Day must go, too. We don’t want to make those without a grandparent feel bad, do we? All such currently recognized days should be eliminated by federal decree and replaced with Special Person’s Day. But that doesn’t go far enough. Congress should declare every day Special Person’s Day! How inclusive and loving would that be? Yay!!

   Moreover, Labor Day and Memorial Day have to be dispensed with, as well. What if someone doesn’t have a job or anyone to memorialize? How do you think they feel on these so-called “holidays?” And President’s Day must be abolished at once. What of those who prefer monarchies or banana republic style dictatorships? Surely President’s Day is offensive to them. Remember, it is incumbent upon us to be inclusive in all things.

   April Fool’s Day can stay, however. After all, each of us knows plenty of fools, do we not? Maybe we could make it more inclusive by renaming it Special Fool’s Day and celebrating—or at least acknowledging—it every day of the year. That would be progressive. Right, Ruby Red Scarlet?

People Are Getting Dumber

                Turns out, my hunch was correct. People are, in fact, getting dumber. A wide range of studies using various well-established IQ tests and metrics have resulted in declining scores in many advanced nations. After rising through much of the 20^th-century, scores across Scandinavia, Great Britain, Germany, France and Australia, among other places, have markedly declined. Apparently, scores in the United States haven’t yet declined apace, though you’d never know it listening to the likes of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez speak about “Green New Deals” and garbage disposals. (“What is that thing?”).

                Naturally, details vary from study to study and from place to place, but there is no doubt that many of the most economically advanced nations have experienced falling IQ levels since around the turn of the 21^st-century.

                Given that decades of research have clearly shown individual IQ scores are closely tied to educational achievement and longevity, and a country’s average IQ score is linked to economic growth and scientific innovation, this trend is worrisome indeed. This could well lead to a generally diminished outlook for our collective future, and, assuming the trend will show up in the U.S. soon, as seems likely, many more years of ABC’s “The View.”

                The unexpected declines in cognitive functioning have experts speculating as to the reason or reasons behind this “global dumbing,” to coin a term. Could it be that lower-IQ families are having more children, whereas higher IQ ones are having fewer? Could the torrent of immigrants from outside these areas be less intelligent, on average, than the people in the countries to which they are emigrating? Possibly, but apart from the “unwokeness” of these ideas, a 2018 study in Norway showed that IQs are falling within families as well, proving that (hereditary) children of high-IQ parents are losing ground, too. Therefore, experts say, some environmental factor or factors are responsible for the drop in IQ scores.

                One popular theory is that the prevalence of lower-skill service jobs has made work less intellectually demanding, leading to underutilized brains and atrophying IQs. Some believe global warming has made food less nutritious, leading to the decline. I argue that if you believe that, you are already too dumb to be taken seriously. (In my view, “man-caused global warming” is a symptom—not a cause—of declining intellect and cognitive ability).

    Another theory is that information-age devices such as smart phones are sapping our ability to focus. I share that belief. Between video games, smart phones, computers, social media, Snap-Chat, Tinder, and a million other apps, our brains are being permanently degraded and rewired. Many Millennials have the attention span of a gnat.

   I posit that it is precisely because we are so advanced that we have become soft, weak, addled…and unable to perform certain functions on our own. Perhaps high-tech ultimately equals low-IQ. Machines do everything for us now. How often have we bought something at a store and noticed that the clerk can’t count change back from a purchase. They have to look at what the till or computer digitally tells them is the correct change. Some schools in England have removed the standard-issue round analog wall clocks from classrooms and hallways because the kids can no longer read them. Many of our youth are unfamiliar with cursive writing due to their reliance on keyboards.

  What will we do as robots replace us in the workplace and artificial intelligence potentially threatens our own?

  Let’s hope that when that time comes we aren’t too stupid to figure it out.

Recent News Stories

*The U.S. women’s national soccer team headed to France earlier this month in search of its fourth FIFA World Cup trophy. The side stopped off in The Big Apple for some media exposure recently, where Fox Sports gave the team a unique new foosball table. (Did the men’s team get its own table? No? Must be sexism). Each mini-molded player controlled by the chrome bars was said to be a spot-on replica of one of the squad members…in their respective jerseys. I want to know just how realistic the figures are, however. Can they tear off their jerseys and wildly celebrate after they score a goal? Can they kneel during the national anthem?

*House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) recently appeared on CNN where “Situation Room” anchor Wolf Blitzer asked him if he now thought impeaching President Trump might be “worthwhile.” Hoyer replied, “Wolf, I know you and other reporters keep asking and they want us to say we’re for impeachment,” adding, “What we are for is continuing our investigations, making sure that the administration gives us the information we are constitutionally authorized to receive.” Think about that: a top Democrat acknowledging that it is the supposedly objective and unbiased media — the all-important free press—that is driving the push for impeaching a duly-elected president. Sadly, Trump is right when he calls them “the enemy of the people.”

* Reporting on Louisiana’s new abortion law recently, the New York Times managed to simultaneously achieve an all-time “journalistic” low and euphemistic apex when reporter Alan Binder wrote: “The measure would require an ultrasound test for any woman seeking to terminate a pregnancy, and forbid abortion if the test detects embryonic pulsing— which can occur before many women know they are pregnant.” Seriously? “Embryonic pulsing?!” I guess we can’t use “baby’s heartbeat” now, or even “fetal heartbeat.” Even the Devil has to be laughing at the preposterous attempts by leftists to mask evil. “Embryonic pulsing?” So, we have: “Pro-choice,” “terminating a pregnancy,” “Non-viable tissue-mass,” and now, “Embryonic pulsing.” What will the “red-fluid-leaking body-pumps” (bleeding hearts) come up with next?

Trump Administration Denies Embassy Requests To Fly LGBT Flags

                Some are in a tizzy that the Trump administration rejected requests from U.S. embassies around the world to fly the “rainbow pride” flag on their flagpoles during LGBT Pride month this June, a reversal of the blanket approval the Obama administration had granted the embassies. Long-standing State Department policy dictates that embassies ask Washington for official permission to fly flags other than the American Flag.

                NBC News reported that embassies in Brazil, Germany, Israel and Latvia were among those denied permission to raise the LGBT banner, though it said the flag can—and is—being flown both inside embassies and on exterior walls. Those accusing the president of rank bigotry and intolerance need only look to his recent campaign to decriminalize homosexuality worldwide. And to his tweet in recognition of Pride month: “As we celebrate LGBT Pride Month and recognize the outstanding contributions LGBT people have made to our great Nation, let us also stand in solidarity with the many LGBT people who live in dozens of countries worldwide that punish, imprison, or even execute individuals on the basis of their sexual orientation.”

                ABC News reported that, since Secretary of State Mike Pompeo didn’t approve an official cable that is often returned with guidance on specifically how to mark LGBT Pride month and International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (IDAHT), embassies and consulates were free to mark both events however they wished, though they were still required to seek approval for the LGBT flags to be raised on their outside flag poles.

                This should be a non-story, a “nothing-burger” in today’s parlance. No flag other than the Star-Spangled Banner should be allowed to wave from flagpoles of the nation’s embassies. If the Pride flag goes up, why not a sequin-spangled banner representing only feminine gay males? Or the Pansexual Pride flag? Or the Two-Spirited flag? Or the Frotteurism Flag? Or a flag celebrating Armenian-American bisexual, mulatto transvestites who were born on Thursdays? Or a flag for Republicans of Polish descent who have erectile disfunction? Or…get the point?

                A country’s embassies are supposed to officially and soberly represent that nation as a whole to foreign lands, not serve as ad hoc billboards for special-interest groups and sexual adventurers.

                It is time America quit balkanizing itself. And advertising it. There are only two flags that should be allowed to fly on the flagpoles of our embassies: 1) the Flag of the United States of America and 2) The Gadsden flag with the clear message, “Don’t Tread On Me.”

Millennials Say The Future Has Passed

            Reports indicate that many American Millennials aren’t saving for the future…because they don’t believe there will be one.in their lifetimes. A 2018 study by the American Psychological Association revealed that an astounding 72% of Millennials said their emotional well-being is affected by the inevitability of climate change, the highest of any age group. Why then isn’t the emotional well-being of 100% of Millennials affected by the inevitability of death? And another question for Millennials: can you name another time when the planet’s climate changed significantly? I can. Before there was one……until there was one. Planet or climate. Take your pick.

Why is this group so glum? Climate change, of course. Fully 88% of Millennials believe in man-caused global warming. 69% believe it will significantly impact them The number of young people reporting symptoms of serious depression increased by 52% from 2005 to 2017, according to a study published in the March issue of the Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Various other mental health issues also are afflicting youth at much higher rates than in the past. Some experts attribute this to the increased use of digital media, while others note the rise in “eco-anxiety.” I would cite the mass media, professors and the “higher educational” system in general for the recent breakdown in sanity. And, for-personal-profit-and-power scaremongers like the ditzy Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and the repulsive Michael Moore.

The author of the afore-mentioned study said of young people: “There is a certain fatalism in this population relative to more recent generations. Psychologically, this population has had more shocks to expectations about their futures than past generations. From a perception point of view, I hear a lot of cynicism about the ability to build retirement savings or whether they will be able to retire at all.”

Say what?!

Yes, past generations had it easy, contending only with throwing off tyranny, the Civil War, World War I, the Stock Market Crash of 1929, the ensuing Great Depression, World War II, Viet Nam, potential nuclear annihilation, and Jimmy Carter. Whereas Millennials had to deal with the dot-com bubble bursting, the ensuing housing crisis, and the lack of universally available “all-gender” bathrooms.

Young folks are being fed a steady diet of fake news, science and weather. A 2016 study from something called NextGen Climate, a progressive organization dedicated to environmental advocacy, purported to show that a college graduate belonging to the class of 2015 will lose more than $126,000 in lifetime income directly due to climate-change-induced costs.

Millennials are living in the wealthiest time in history. Nearly all of them have smart phones, computers and (more than) enough to eat. Capitalism has lifted much of the world out of abject poverty and into relative ease, despite the Earth’s growing population and the past predictions of “experts” who forecast massive starvation, dire energy shortages, and global cooling, among other catastrophes that never came to pass. Yet many have soured on capitalism, the very goose that laid the golden egg. Many believe capitalism is in its final stages. 68% of Millennials viewed capitalism positively in 2010, yet only 45% did in 2017, seven years later. Many say “the system doesn’t work.”

Ironically, in today’s world, unlike in days of yore, the most educated people are often the least informed. Ancient humans witnessed eclipses, meteors and other celestial (and weather-related) phenomena and believed them to be omens or warnings from the gods. Modern progressives witness a hurricane, tornado or fluctuating temperatures and essentially scream that the sky is falling and we are all going to die. And they blame people. Maybe not themselves, but others.

Look around you Millennials. Then take a good, hard look at what’s happening in Venezuela. Maybe travel to Cuba or North Korea. Put down your phone and start reading 1984, A Brave New World, Animal Farm, Atlas Shrugged or The Gulag Archipelago.

There have been alternating ice ages and periods of great warmth since time immemorial. Floods, biblical and otherwise, have been occurring for as long as droughts have been around. Storms rage and calm returns. To everything there is a season. “Change” is the easiest thing to predict.

The next easiest thing to predict is what would happen to the United States under socialist government. Millennials—and everyone else-- would be guaranteed a future of economic, political, personal…and, yes, environmental…degradation and despair.

Jewelry Store Snubs Deputy

                A North Carolina sheriff’s deputy was recently informed by Kay Jewelers in Statesville that the engagement ring he had purchased there had been sized and was ready for pickup. The deputy was buoyed by the news. He could now propose to his beloved! Unfortunately, when he showed up at the retail outlet while on lunch break, the store manager met him at the door and told him he couldn’t enter the premises while carrying his service firearm.

                The Iredell County Sheriff’s Office later revealed on Facebook that: “The deputy informed the manager he was in uniform and his marked patrol car was in the parking lot, and it would be a violation of policy for him to remove his service weapon while in uniform.” The post explained that the policy requiring deputies to be and remain armed “is in place for not only the safety of the deputy, but the general public as well.” One would think that would be obvious, but apparently it is not.

                The store’s manager informed the deputy that he “could return to the store at a different time, when he was not armed.” That was certainly gracious. The deputy dutifully left without the ring…and without telling the store’s manager, “I hope you never get robbed, but good luck if you do.” The sheriff’s office added, “The reaction our deputy encountered is very difficult for us to comprehend, and we earnestly hope situations such as these are few and are diminishing.” Don’t count on it. The opposite is true.

                Though Sheriff Darren Campbell attempted to contact Kay Jewelers’ corporate office on numerous occasions, he never has been graced with a reply. Kay Jewelers did, however, respond to a request for comment from WSOC-TV: “Kay Jewelers is reaching out to the customer and the Iredell County Sheriff’s Office to sincerely apologize for the mishandling of this matter. We have tremendous respect for law enforcement, and we thank the Office for bringing this to our attention. We will be sure to reinforce store training regarding our firearm policy with specific regard to uniformed law enforcement.”

                In the meantime, I propose a new motto for the jeweler: “Every Diss Begins with Kay.”  

                You have to admit, it has a certain ring to it.

               

Boston Boasts Porn Literacy Program

                Boston’s WBZ-TV recently aired a segment touting the Boston Public Health Commission’s “Porn Literacy” program that aims to teach teens how to interpret X-rated internet content. The program’s goal is-- ostensibly—to instruct the kids as to what is real and what is unrealistic when it comes to adult relationships.

                According to The Blaze, WBZ noted that studies show the vast majority of kids see pornographic material before they turn eighteen, and hailed parent-approved classes that could teach adolescents “how to decipher such role-plays with a realistic lens.” The Porn Literacy course is taught through BPHC’s Start Strong program and is the brainchild of a Boston University professor. (Imagine that).

“Start Strong” seems to me a bit of an ironic label for a program teaching a course on pornography to our kids. Just sayin’.

But, apparently, I shouldn’t be concerned, as The Blaze reports “the curriculum has now been pared down to be ‘palatable for our younger audience.’” Yay! Pare the porn down! For the younger audiences! The younger, the better!

The Blaze also noted that the New York Times Magazine recently reported on the course and “teens’ thoughts on pornographic footage with great detail,” noting that “Student participants shared their anxiety over measuring up to the adult performances played out on a screen.” That’s great. It is comforting to know that any given 15-year old boy may be told that he doesn’t have to “measure up” to “Long Dong Silver,” “Johnny the Wad Holmes” or “Dirk Diggler.”

And this exceptionally beneficent program isn’t only limited to porn studies. It also teaches students about “healthy relationships, dating violence, and LGBT issues, often through group discussions, role-playing and other exercises.” Role-playing? “Other exercises?” I’m not sure I want to know.

When a society eschews historical literacy, economic literacy, governmental literacy, Biblical literacy, and English/language literacy in favor of Porn Literacy…it looks a lot like this one.

And it is in its final days.

This Bud's For You...And You...And You...And You...

                Budweiser UK recently came out with a series of nine different pint glasses, each depicting a different “Pride” flag, to kick off Pride Month. The giant brewer’s “Fly The Flag” campaign is in partnership with London Pride, and includes profiles of each glass explaining what each color on the respective flags means. On the morning of May 31^st, Bud first tweeted: “Excited to reveal we are now proud sponsors of Pride in London! We are working closely with them and our charity partners to celebrate the diversity within the LGBT+ community and Fly the Flag for Everyone at the #PrideJubilee. A taste of what’s to come.” (Get it)? Below that was a picture of a tri-colored glass and the informational “Bi-Pride” message: “Magenta is for same gender attraction, blue is for attraction to genders other than your own, and lavender (a mix of the two) represents attraction to your own and other genders, though some interpret it differently.”

                But virtue-signaling in the Age of Intersectionality can be complicated and difficult, and it appears Budweiser kept adding posts—and glasses-- in an effort to avoid omitting—and therefore offending-- any fringe group whatsoever. Another tweet, eight minutes later, sported a glass with four colors and noted: “Black is for asexuals who don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. Grey is for grey-asexuals, who sometimes feel sexual attraction, and demi-sexuals who only feel it if they know someone well. White nods to non-asexual allies, and purple represents the whole community.” There you have it.

                Seventeen minutes later Bud was back with two more tweet ads. One, touting “Intersex-Pride,” showed a glass featuring a purple circle on a yellow background and explained: “The circle symbolises wholeness and completeness, while purple and yellow were chosen as they don’t have male or female associations.” The other, a tribute to “Pan Pride,” had another tri-colored glass and stated: “Blue symbolises male attraction, pink female attraction, and yellow attraction to other genders.” Good to know.

                One minute after that, it was time for “Lesbian Pride.” This one averred: “While this flag is commonly used, it isn’t the only one. If you look around, you might see a version with a kiss in the corner, representing lipstick lesbians, or a purple flag with a double headed axe for labrys lesbian feminist pride.” Well then.

                60 seconds later, “Inclusive Pride” got its moment in the sun, with still another glass and the message: “In 2017 the city of Philadelphia added a black and brown stripe to the classic rainbow design, to better represent people of colour within the community. It has since been flown at Prides around the world.”

                Incredibly, Budweiser stepped it up a notch to finish with a three-tweet flurry. At 11:28 am, “Transgender-Pride” was saluted via a glass designed by Monica Helms and the statement: “Blue represents male, pink female, and white is for those transitioning or who consider themselves to have a neutral or undefined gender.”

                And then: “Yellow is for those whose gender exists outside of the gender binary. White is for people with many genders. Purple is for those who feel a mix of female and male, and black is for those who feel they are without gender entirely.” (Talk about being disenfranchised)! You got it, “Non-Binary Pride!”

                Last, but by no means least, gender-fluidity was toasted with a five-toned receptacle and the encomium: “Pink is for femininity, blue for masculinity, while purple represents a mix of the two. Black represents lack of gender, and white stands for all genders.”

                That’s one hell of a lot of glasses and colors to represent far less than 10% of the population. One might think, “When you say Budweiser, you’ve virtue-signaled them all!” But one would be mistaken. The “King of Queers” missed a few groups. They might have paid tribute to the LGBTQIIA Community, but they missed (those represented by) the “+” at the end.

                What about agalmatophiles? Those aroused by statues are deservedly PROUD! as well. How about we put a silver band on the glass to represent them? And batrachophiliacs are a marginalized population, too. It’s time those lusting after frogs were given their due, and brought into the broader LGBTQIIA+ Community, to PROUDLY! March for inclusion and tolerance. Give them an ochre colored band! And chasmophiles should be recognized, as well. Those, PROUDLY!, sexually aroused by cracks and crevices—and aren’t we all—should be celebrated and denoted by a gray band on a drinking vessel.

                The glory of dendrophilia certainly should be ever-so-PROUDLY! acknowledged in its own right. Dendrophiliacs aren’t just tree-huggers, if you know what I mean. They really love trees. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Say no more! Nothing sappy here. We should all branch out and try new things, right? A burnt-umber colored band for these folks, please. Let’s not short-change those in the Coprophiliac Community, either. Those who get excited by being covered in feces have every right to be just as damn PROUD! as they are. They deserve a tan colored ring on any chalice. Hybristophiliacs long to love serial killers in prison, and who can blame them? Instead, we should be (PROUDLY!) celebrating this group by adding a fuchsia colored ring around the beer cup.

                I bet you haven’t heard much about the Autoplushophiliacs in our midst, have you? These people are—PROUDLY!-- aroused by the image of their own selves in the forms of a plush-toy or anthropomorphized animal. And well they should be. A magenta band in honor of them is the least we can do. Prost!

                The Zoophiliac Community is already established in parts of Europe and is growing by leaps and bounds here in the U.S. They get a very PROUD! canary colored band on the old tumbler. Finally, necrophiliacs would be PROUDLY! served by a mauve colored band around most any goblet.

                Budweiser: ”The King of Queers.”

                “Prideful perverts, this Bud’s for you!”

               

               

Colorado Lawmakers Kinda Think There Was Another Drug They Wanted To Legalize, But Can't Remember What It Was Now

Colorado Lawmakers Kinda Think There Was Another Drug They Wanted To Legalize, But Can’t Remember What It Was Now

                Legislators in Colorado legalized recreational marijuana use in 2014, and, more recently, did the same with “magic mushrooms.” Now they say they have been thinking about legalizing another hallucinogenic drug for some time but can’t remember which one it might have been. A couple of the state’s Democratic Representatives suggested the substance in question may be crack cocaine, while a Republican Representative told me, on the condition of anonymity, that he is of the opinion that it could have been heroine, or maybe ecstasy. But another Republican Representative disagreed with his fellow party member, saying that he was “probably 60 percent certain” the drug they’d strongly considered legalizing was LSD. Yet this didn’t jibe with what the Centennial State’s two senators thought, one of whom expressed a favorable opinion about legalizing amphetamines, while the other is stoutly pro-hashish.

                A special legislative session was held recently, in an effort to find some common ground. Fritos, Cheetos, peanuts, Pringles, Lunchables, Twinkies and other munchies were provided (at tax-payer expense) to the governing body to satisfy their munchies and grease the skids for a potentially historic bill to be put forward. Sadly, that never happened. An argument broke out over which snack was the best, with Democrats demanding that Lunchables be proclaimed the most inclusive and fulfilling snack, and Republicans arguing that the traditional peanut clearly has more merit.

                Suffice it to say, members of each party have since been clashing over just which narcotic to legalize next. A potential agreement now seems a long way off, tragically putting the hopes of countless junkies and weekend partiers alike in jeopardy.

   All the state’s lawmakers did agree, however, that the legal age to purchase cigarettes should be raised to 27, if the manufacture and sale of the despicable tobacco product cannot be banned altogether.