Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Bill Nye The Pseudo-Science Guy


                Bill Nye (“the Pseudo-Science Guy”) attempted to explain climate change on a recent episode of “Last week with John Oliver.” There was a twist. He decided to do so using frequent profanity. Oliver was purportedly fact-checking Democratic New York Rep. Alexandria Occasional-Cortex’s Green New Deal “Plan,” in the context of a newly released U.N. report that the Earth could be inalterably altered by climate change as soon as 2040. Master Oliver asked Nye if he had a way to visually illustrate his remarks, sarcastically saying: “Bill, please, please! Do you have a fun experiment for us?”
                Nye then appeared via video in his lab coat, standing behind a table sporting a globe, blanket, fire extinguisher, and mound of sand. The sober man of science said, “Safety glasses on” and then averred: “By the end of this century, if emissions keep rising, the average temperature on Earth could go up another 4 to 8 degrees.” Warming to his own noxious emissions, he added: “What I’m saying is, the planet’s on f***ing fire!” He then pulled out a blowtorch, aimed it at the globe, and lit it on fire, saying, “There are a lot of things we could do to put it out,” and motioning toward the sand, blanket and fire extinguisher. Increasingly distraught, Nye rhetorically asked, “Are any of them free?” before yelling, “No, of course not, nothing’s free, you idiots! Grow the f**k up! You’re not children anymore! I didn’t mind explaining photosynthesis to you when you were 12, but you’re adults now, and this is an actual crisis! Got it?!”
                The now Well-Nigh Crazy Guy culminated his demonstration by saying, “Safety glasses off, motherf***ers,” and stormed out of sight, exasperated by the sheer stupidity of anyone who would deign to question him.
                Grow the bleep up? Like you, Billy? By throwing a public temper-tantrum when you know someone doesn’t agree with you? By being a potty-mouth, acting out, and angrily walking away to go pout for a while?
                Take your own advice, Billy boy, and grow up. Tell us, if you can, how photosynthesis applies to the Green New Deal, but stop trying to tell us the planet is moments away from spontaneously combusting.
                Fake science may be worse than fake news.
               

Monday, May 20, 2019

PETA Courageously Fights "Anti-Animal" Phrases, Speciesism


                PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has just achieved a level of asininity heretofore unattained by homo sapiens. The group has launched a campaign to end “anti-animal” sayings such as “to kill two birds with one stone.” The comically serious organization issued a Twitter statement reading: “Just as it became unacceptable to use racist, homophobic, or ableist language, phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish as more people begin to appreciate animals for who they are.”
                PETA suggests saying “feed two birds with one scone” instead of the patently offensive “kill two birds with one stone” when you wish to describe accomplishing two things with one action. Honestly. It also tweeted out other idiotic idioms to help Americans “remove speciesism” from their lexicons. PETA is badgering us to say “bringing home the bagels” instead of “bringing home the bacon,” and “take the flower by the thorns” in lieu of “take the bull by the horns.”

   You’ve gotta be kidding me. And isn’t “bringing home the bagels” anti-Semitic?

   PETA apparently now stands for People for the Egregious Treatment of Adages. Its website sports a lengthy list of old “harmful” phrases, followed by “helpful” replacement phrases:
   Harmful: “Be the guinea pig.” Helpful: “Be the test tube.” Harmful: “Beat a dead horse.” Helpful: “Feed a fed horse.” Harmful: “More than one way to skin a cat.” Helpful: “More than one way to peel a potato.” Getting the hang of it now? Harmful: “Put all your eggs in one basket.” Helpful: “Put all your berries in one bowl.” I feel better about myself already.

  But PETA’s list was by no means complete. What about “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?” Wouldn’t “A luffa in the hand is worth two in the bush” be better? Here are some other phrases that should be banned and my suggested replacements:
  Harmful: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse!” Helpful: “I’m so hungry I could eat a significant quantity of sustainable plant matter!” Harmful: “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” Helpful: “Don’t count your money before it’s printed.” Harmful: “Drink like a fish.” Helpful: “Drink like a drunk.” Harmful: “Why pay for the cow when you can have the milk for free?” Helpful: “Why pay for a car when you can walk for free?” Harmful: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.” Helpful: “You can’t make a spliff without breaking a few buds.” Harmful: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world.” Helpful: “It’s a crappy world.”

 One thing is certain: you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a virtue-signaling, politically correct moron with an I.Q. of a tree frog. What a bunch of bullshit.

 Oh well. F*ck a duck.







Sunday, May 19, 2019

Speaker Pelosi Denies Denying Border "Crisis"


Democrats have routinely said that there is no “crisis” on the U.S.’s border with Mexico. They have routinely said that President Trump is overstating the issue at the border in order to scare Americans into supporting a wall. To Democrats, the issue is simple: countless numbers of people show up at our southern border. Let them into the country. They end up voting for them. No crisis!
House Speaker Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) was asked at a recent weekly press briefing if Democrats are now willing to admit there is an actual crisis at the border. She replied: “Well, let me just say this. We have never not said that there was a crisis. There is a humanitarian crisis at the border, and some of it provoked by the actions taken by the Administration. And I will just quote our friends from the Evangelical community when they came in and testified in the last Congress in one of our rump hearings, because the Republicans wouldn’t have the hearing.”
Democrats “have never not said that there was a crisis?” Pelosi posted the following statement on February 6th. It is still on her website: “It will take days to fact-check all the misrepresentations that the President made tonight. Instead of fear-mongering and manufacturing a crisis at the border, President Trump should commit to signing the bipartisan conference committee’s bill to keep government open and provide strong, smart border security solutions.” You manufacture a crisis when one doesn’t already exist.
             She added:  “We’ve always said that it gets to be more of a humanitarian crisis the more that Republicans – the Administration, I won’t paint all the Republicans with this – the more the Administration acts in the shameful way, not consistent with our faith, with our beliefs that every person has dignity and worth, that every person has a spark of divinity within them that we need to respect, and that we have that spark of divinity that we need to act upon.”
Every person has a “spark of divinity” within them? Well, unless that person is small and hasn’t made it out of the womb yet, apparently. Democrats obviously don’t believe small, innocent people have dignity and worth, or they wouldn’t constantly demand the “right” to kill them at will.
And yet they have the staggering effrontery to claim those in the Evangelical community are their “friends.”
Republicans wouldn’t have a “rump” hearing on the “manufactured” border crisis? Speaker Pelosi doesn’t need their help in that regard. She is the biggest “rump” in any hearing. Many would testify to that.



Saturday, May 18, 2019

The "Cow Kiss Challenge"


                Tyrolean officials are warning people to stop French kissing cows.

                I must say, I never thought I would have reason to write that sentence. But it is, in fact, true.

                The Swiss app Castl created the phenomena by promoting its “Cow Kiss Challenge.” Castl has been encouraging people in Switzerland, Austria, and Germany to kiss cows, “with or without tongues,” for charity. “Snogging” cows, to use the British term, has apparently become all the rage in Austria, prompting politicians and farming officials to warn bovine bussers that they could be endangering the animals—and themselves— with their indiscriminate smooching. Many people have been filmed going into paddocks, or randomly approaching cows before laying a big, wet one on the baffled bovines.
                What’s the next “challenge?” The next frontier? Blowing into mountain goat’s ears? Giving steers a hand job?
                Josef Kossler, Tyrol’s state veterinary director, said that approaching cows looking after their calves could be “very dangerous,” going so far as to state that the “KuhKussChallenge” could lead to someone getting trampled to death. Tyrolean Chamber of Agriculture president Josef Hechenberger told Kurier: “The fact that our animals should be used for social media hype, I think, is very questionable, especially with regard to possible injuries.” Herr Hechenberger cautioned people to avoid engaging in the strange but trendy activity and urged those behind it to “rethink this project.” Austrian agricultural minister Elisabeth Kostinger took to Twitter to say: “Actions like these are dangerous nonsense. I have not the slightest understanding for a challenge of this kind!"

                You and me both, Ms. Kostinger.

   She added, “Pastures are not petting zoos. Mother cows protect their calves and become aggressive if you do not behave properly.” As well they should. #MeTooMoo.
   The cows have to be thinking, “It’s not enough that they’re pulling on our teats all the time, now they want to take the relationship to another level! Lord knows where their mouths have been! At least bring me a bottle of wine or a Hallmark card!”

   The hills are alive with the sound of “moo-sic”
   With songs they have sung for a thousand years
   The hills fill my heart with the sound of moo-sic
   My lips want to kiss every cow they near

   I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
   I know I will hear what I've heard before
  My heart will be blessed with the sound of moo-sic
  And I'll snog a cow once more


Friday, May 17, 2019

Game Of Thrones In The News


                Game of Thrones, HBO’s spectacularly successful adaptation of the George R.R. Martin saga, is in its final season—and in the news more than ever. We recently learned that Bella Ramsey, the 15-year-old actress who played the (now) late Lady Mormont (who was crushed to death during the epic Battle of Winterfell as she stabbed a White Walker giant in the eye), is not allowed to watch the series because her parents—rightfully—think the series is too gory and adult-themed.
                Then there was incredulous mockery of a recent scene in which a disposable plastic coffee cup could be distinguished amid the otherwise authentically medieval accoutrement. Many wondered how such a glaring faux pas could possibly have occurred in a series with such production values, and one so lavishly outfitted, funded, shot and examined. It does boggle the mind, but, perhaps we are all being too hard on the iconic series. It’s not as if G.O.T. is the only major television or movie production that has ever experienced a similar embarrassing lapse of historical credibility. Or, as another iconic television institution (Sesame Street) puts it, “One of these things just doesn’t belong here, one of these things just isn’t the same.”

                I list here, for my beloved reader’s edification, ten other epic film foul-ups of similar type:

                *Yoda eating a Burger King Whopper in the original “Star Wars” movie, Episode IV. (“Eat you I will…yes, yes…”).

                *The “Fats Domino” record seen in the background of the Biblical epic film, “Ben Hur.”

                *A soldier playing Pok√©mon Go on the beach during “Dunkirk.”

                *Multiple Rubik’s Cubes seen in the movie “Titanic.”

                *A Nerf football clearly visible in “The Last Emperor.”

                *The bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) consumed by Union soldiers in 
“Gettysburg.”

                *Two Hula Hoops in the movie “Lincoln.”

                *A “Captain Fantastic” pinball machine on the battlefield during the movie “Braveheart,” chronicling fighting between Scottish and English troops in the 13th century.

                *Spartacus playing with a “slinky” in the movie “300.”

                *Thomas Jefferson using a flip-phone to call Ben Franklin in HBO’s otherwise critically acclaimed mini-series “John Adams.”

                It can happen to the best of them, right? Sometimes these things just slip through your hands. Now, about Jaime Lannister’s hands…


Thursday, May 16, 2019

Abortion Insanity


                Clinical insanity appears to be a prerequisite for Democrats speaking about abortion in 2019. Case in point: Alabama state Senator Bobby Singleton. Senator Singleton was not happy that a pro-life bill placing significant restrictions on abortion easily passed in the state’s House of Representatives (74-3) and the Senate (25-6). According to Fox News, he took to the Senate floor to chastise his fellow Senators, saying: “You don’t care anything about babies for real, you just kicked them in the stomach, and you aborted them yourself! You just aborted the state of Alabama with your rhetoric with this bill! You just aborted the state of Alabama yourself, and all of you should be put in jail for this abortion that you just laid on the state of Alabama! This is just a shame, this is a disgrace, and it’s a travesty!”
                Passing a bill to prevent babies from being dismembered, ripped from the womb and disposed of like so many hypodermic needles is kicking them in the stomach and aborting the entire state of Alabama? He wants to imprison 99 of his fellow representatives for casting votes?
   But Senator Simpleton was just getting started. Why stop him when he was on a roll? He continued, saying those who voted in favor of the bill “don’t care nothing about mothers of the state of Alabama.” (Other than encouraging mothers to be/stay mothers). He added: “You just raped Alabama with this bill that you about to send out here, and the governor, when you sign it, you just raped the state of Alabama yourself! You just aborted and raped the state of Alabama! You just raped every little baby, you just raped every little girl, you just raped every woman who been raped by women, you just raped her all over again! Yes, I said it! And I hope your conscience is eating your head up!” Fox reported that he finished by proclaiming: “She was pregnant with this bad bill, and you just aborted her!” In progressives land of topsy-turvydom, voting to prevent widespread abortions is the one true abortion. Of someone. Or everyone. Or the whole state. Incidentally, the governor to whom Singleton was referring, Kay Ivey, is a woman. But she is also a Republican, so she should have been aborted. At least then she wouldn’t have been able to rape “every little baby” by signing a bill protecting babies. Time will tell if she still has her whole head after putting her imprimatur on such a radical bill protecting life.
The Senator’s entire tirade is, honestly, too preposterous and sad on too many levels for me to lampoon.
Happily, however, that is not the case for Bernie Sanders’ claim that abortion is a “Constitutional right.” I am fully cognizant of the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” but I confess I am ignorant of the clause guaranteeing the right to “end a pregnancy if it should in any way inconvenience the prospective mother.”
Nor is it the case for Hillary Rodham Clinton’s recent remarks savaging state-level restrictions on abortion. She recently tweeted: “The abortion bans in Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, Kentucky, and Mississippi are appalling attacks on women’s lives and fundamental freedoms.” She urged her followers to donate to The National Network of Abortion Funds, one of whose member organizations is the Lilith Fund, named for an ancient demon who, according to mythology, preyed on children as well as pregnant women. Nice. In a separate tweet, she called on followers to prevent “a future in which our daughters and granddaughters have fewer rights than we do.”
This, too, is an inconceivably stupid remark. Those who are pro-life are trying to prevent a future in which there are no daughters and granddaughters. And who has fewer rights than an unborn baby girl?
I have always said that “pro-choice” people’s insistence that women have the inherent right to do whatever they wish with their own bodies is—or should be—an easily refuted lie. None of us have the right to drive drunk or rob a bank. With our own bodies. Even if we aren’t sheltering a nascent human life inside of us. Or trying to hurt anyone else.



Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Chick-fil-A Victim Of Collegiate Discrimination, Intolerance


                The California Polytechnic State University academic senate recently passed a resolution calling for the school’s administration to evict the campus’ Chick-fil-A restaurant from school grounds. The students say they are demanding the removal of the franchise, which has been a campus staple for 25 years, because the company’s donations don’t align with the university’s values. “Academic Senate Vice Chair” Thomas Gutierrez says Chick-fil-A donates to “anti-LGBTQ” groups, and that alone is grounds for booting the establishment off campus. Incredibly, Gutierrez told the school’s newspaper, Mustang News: “We don’t sell pornography in the bookstore and we don’t have a Hooters on campus—we already pre-select those kinds of things based on our existing values. This is a similar thing, the difference is we’re actually profiting from this. So our money, every dollar a student is spending at Chick-fil-A, is going to these causes that are in violation of our values.”
                Who are these nefarious groups that Chick-fil-A supports with its donations? The Communist Party USA? NAMBLA? No, Cal Poly’s “academic senate” would probably be fine with either of those. Honestly. The groups benefitting from Chick-fil-A’s largess are: the Salvation Army, the Paul Anderson Youth Home and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. My God, has the company no shame? All three of these organizations are probably dubbed “hate groups” by the Southern Poverty Law Center, an organization that truly is utterly evil.
                A Chick-fil-A spokesperson responded to the media’s repeated mischaracterization of its donations-- and the groups it donates to-- by stating: “The work of the Foundation is committed to youth and education. The Foundation’s giving helps with economic mobility of young people by focusing on homelessness and poverty, education, and community revitalization, and is done with no political or social agenda. The narrative that our giving was done to support a political or non-inclusive agenda is inaccurate and misleading.”
                I have a gay friend and a lesbian acquaintance. I know there are many good and decent gay and lesbian folks. I believe in tolerance and treating people how they treat you. But, I have had enough—way more than enough—of the hardcore LGBTQ “movement.” They make everything political. And these fascist thugs don’t give a rat’s ass about the homeless, poverty, children’s mobility, or community revitalization if it doesn’t explicitly advance their agenda. Students’ attempts to kick Chick-fil-A off campuses because of Chick-fil-A’s morals and “values” boggles any rational, reasonable mind. Yet, there isn’t a week that goes by where at least one college isn’t considering banning the Georgia-based chicken sandwich purveyor from befouling its campus.
                The same colleges that routinely hold “sex week” and “Anal-sex workshops” can’t stomach the thought of a Chick-fil-A nearby? Vice Chair Gutierrez has the demented gall to compare the company’s outlets with Hooters……and pornography, because he thinks it’s offensive to the LGBTQ community? Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with whips, two-headed dildos and dental dams, but get that chicken sandwich out of here, you sick freak!
                In truth, what really sends these democracy-hating bullies into a frenzy is the mention of The Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Or, more precisely, the word Christian and what it means to them. You know they would have no problem with an organization titled, The Fellowship of Athletes. They don’t want anyone, anything, or any belief system to “harsh their mellow” or potentially infer that their chosen behavior and lifestyle is any less divine than anyone else’s. In fact, they now make it clear that they believe Christians are a hate group, and morally inferior to themselves. They loudly tout their own “values” while denigrating those of anyone who holds traditional ones.

                Chick-fil-A’s long-time slogan might be good advice for college radicals and LGBTQ militants: “Eat More Chicken.”

                And fewer things that require the use of a dental dam.  
               




Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Drag Queens Ahoy! For Mother's Day


Nabisco utilized a 46-second Twitter commercial to promote its Chips Ahoy! Cookies in a recent Mother’s Day ad. And who better to celebrate the importance of motherhood and tug on the apron—and heart— strings than a drag queen?! That’s right, the company chose reality TV contestant Jose Cancel (!), aka Miss Vanjie, to melt mother’s hearts.
Miss Vanjie touchingly said: “What’s a sweet gesture for you to do to your momma? Your real momma, your drag momma, whichever momma, somebody, whoever takes care of you, whoever you feel or consider your momma, it’s their day today.” That’s right, actually giving birth is no longer a prerequisite for being considered a mom. If you identify as a mom……you are one! Just like gender, motherhood is only a social construct, a state of mind, an ephemeral choice, no more based in biological fact than is the color of one’s shirt.
I can be a boy, I can be a girl, I can be a father, I can be a mother! I am woke! I have spoke! Celebrate my inner social justice warrior! Tremble at my tolerance! Bow down before my inclusiveness! Praise my inner perv! My fetish makes me moral! I kink therefore I am!
Thus, Mother’s Day, like everything else the left addresses, is watered down, diminished, cheapened……sullied.
“Miss Vanjie” did acknowledge her real mom, apparently, saying, “I am so thankful to have a mother, like mine, who supports me through all my craziness, and loves on me, and buys me Chips Ahoy! Cookies.” There it is, the corporate message: “Buy this product, as we are woke.” Virtue-signaling by any other name would smell as rank.
I’m sure Miss Vanjie’s mom, whichever, somebody, whoever takes care of “her,” really does shower her with Chips Ahoy! cookies. Right. This ad nearly made me toss my cookies.
It would have been more truthful  if Nabisco had had Miss Vanjie say: “I don’t always shamelessly pander to a tiny fringe minority group, but when I do, I do it for Chips Ahoy!”






Monday, May 13, 2019

Rep. Tlaib Lashes Out Again


                Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich.), of “impeach the motherf***er” fame, recently told a Yahoo News podcast, “There’s kind of a calming feeling, I always tell folks, when I think of the Holocaust and the tragedy of the Holocaust and the fact that it was my ancestors—Palestinians—who lost their land and some lost their lives, their livelihood, their human dignity, their existence in many ways had been wiped out. All of it was in the name of trying to create a safe haven for Jews…” Now tell us the one about the three bears.
                Her statement is a complete fabrication. The Palestinians were hostile to the Jews then as they are now. One of their leaders, Haj Amin al-Husseini, was close to SS commander Heinrich Himmler. They did not graciously give up their land, dignity and existence so the Jewish people had somewhere to go.
                And she experiences a “calming feeling” when she thinks of the Holocaust? Does she also experience a “calming feeling” when she thinks about 9/11? The Bataan Death March? The Killing Fields? Perhaps she is in ecstasy when remembering Soviet tanks crushing all in their way during the Prague Spring of 1968? Is she blissfully content when pondering the plagues? Fully “at peace” when contemplating the Jonestown Massacre? The monster within is barely hidden.
                What if President Trump had said he experiences a “calming feeling” when thinking about 20th-Century Klan violence? Would Democrats and the mainstream media have cared what he had to say after that? Let him off the hook? I mean, WTF?! People are getting attacked for wearing hats that say, “Make America Great Again,” and yet we are tolerating this? WTFWTF??!!
                A few Republicans called for Democratic leadership (there’s an oxymoron for you!) to reprimand Tlaib for her “vile anti-Semitism,” provoking her to angrily claim that they were taking her comments out of context and trying to silence her to push their “racist and hateful agenda.” Tlaib’s office followed that up with a statement condemning Republicans and “right-wing extremists” for “spreading outright lies to incite hate.” Projection, it’s what you do when you are a progressive. Angrily denouncing your opponents for beliefs and behaviors you yourself hold and engage in is a time-tested tactic of radical leftists. Tlaib is rapidly proving herself to be a world-class prevaricator of almost Clintonian proportions. She is clearly an extremist, a racist, an anti-Semite…and full of hatred for anyone who dares to oppose her.
                Rational folks will experience a calming feeling when she is no longer a member of the United States Congress.
               

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Therapy Donkeys


                Apparently, warm cookies, coloring books, Play-Doh-- and even puppies-- aren’t enough to get snowflakes through the stress of final exams, term papers and other end-of-semester assignments. The State University of New York at Plattsburgh recently brought a small herd of miniature donkeys to campus to help students cope with the otherwise unbearable pressure of schoolwork.
                Ken Besaw of Thera-Pets, the New York-based organization that runs the “animal assisted visitation program,” told a local ABC news affiliate: “Spend 10 minutes with them. You’ll chill right out.” A video shows the students petted, played and cavorted with the therapy donkeys, horsing around to their hearts content.
                Therapy donkeys are the perfect symbol of today’s Democratic Party. They don’t help you achieve or produce, conceive or create, inspire or elevate, understand or accept. But they do make many people feel better about themselves, especially when they are acting like immature jackasses.