Monday, May 20, 2019

PETA Courageously Fights "Anti-Animal" Phrases, Speciesism


                PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has just achieved a level of asininity heretofore unattained by homo sapiens. The group has launched a campaign to end “anti-animal” sayings such as “to kill two birds with one stone.” The comically serious organization issued a Twitter statement reading: “Just as it became unacceptable to use racist, homophobic, or ableist language, phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish as more people begin to appreciate animals for who they are.”
                PETA suggests saying “feed two birds with one scone” instead of the patently offensive “kill two birds with one stone” when you wish to describe accomplishing two things with one action. Honestly. It also tweeted out other idiotic idioms to help Americans “remove speciesism” from their lexicons. PETA is badgering us to say “bringing home the bagels” instead of “bringing home the bacon,” and “take the flower by the thorns” in lieu of “take the bull by the horns.”

   You’ve gotta be kidding me. And isn’t “bringing home the bagels” anti-Semitic?

   PETA apparently now stands for People for the Egregious Treatment of Adages. Its website sports a lengthy list of old “harmful” phrases, followed by “helpful” replacement phrases:
   Harmful: “Be the guinea pig.” Helpful: “Be the test tube.” Harmful: “Beat a dead horse.” Helpful: “Feed a fed horse.” Harmful: “More than one way to skin a cat.” Helpful: “More than one way to peel a potato.” Getting the hang of it now? Harmful: “Put all your eggs in one basket.” Helpful: “Put all your berries in one bowl.” I feel better about myself already.

  But PETA’s list was by no means complete. What about “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?” Wouldn’t “A luffa in the hand is worth two in the bush” be better? Here are some other phrases that should be banned and my suggested replacements:
  Harmful: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse!” Helpful: “I’m so hungry I could eat a significant quantity of sustainable plant matter!” Harmful: “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” Helpful: “Don’t count your money before it’s printed.” Harmful: “Drink like a fish.” Helpful: “Drink like a drunk.” Harmful: “Why pay for the cow when you can have the milk for free?” Helpful: “Why pay for a car when you can walk for free?” Harmful: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.” Helpful: “You can’t make a spliff without breaking a few buds.” Harmful: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world.” Helpful: “It’s a crappy world.”

 One thing is certain: you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a virtue-signaling, politically correct moron with an I.Q. of a tree frog. What a bunch of bullshit.

 Oh well. F*ck a duck.







Sunday, May 19, 2019

Speaker Pelosi Denies Denying Border "Crisis"


Democrats have routinely said that there is no “crisis” on the U.S.’s border with Mexico. They have routinely said that President Trump is overstating the issue at the border in order to scare Americans into supporting a wall. To Democrats, the issue is simple: countless numbers of people show up at our southern border. Let them into the country. They end up voting for them. No crisis!
House Speaker Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) was asked at a recent weekly press briefing if Democrats are now willing to admit there is an actual crisis at the border. She replied: “Well, let me just say this. We have never not said that there was a crisis. There is a humanitarian crisis at the border, and some of it provoked by the actions taken by the Administration. And I will just quote our friends from the Evangelical community when they came in and testified in the last Congress in one of our rump hearings, because the Republicans wouldn’t have the hearing.”
Democrats “have never not said that there was a crisis?” Pelosi posted the following statement on February 6th. It is still on her website: “It will take days to fact-check all the misrepresentations that the President made tonight. Instead of fear-mongering and manufacturing a crisis at the border, President Trump should commit to signing the bipartisan conference committee’s bill to keep government open and provide strong, smart border security solutions.” You manufacture a crisis when one doesn’t already exist.
             She added:  “We’ve always said that it gets to be more of a humanitarian crisis the more that Republicans – the Administration, I won’t paint all the Republicans with this – the more the Administration acts in the shameful way, not consistent with our faith, with our beliefs that every person has dignity and worth, that every person has a spark of divinity within them that we need to respect, and that we have that spark of divinity that we need to act upon.”
Every person has a “spark of divinity” within them? Well, unless that person is small and hasn’t made it out of the womb yet, apparently. Democrats obviously don’t believe small, innocent people have dignity and worth, or they wouldn’t constantly demand the “right” to kill them at will.
And yet they have the staggering effrontery to claim those in the Evangelical community are their “friends.”
Republicans wouldn’t have a “rump” hearing on the “manufactured” border crisis? Speaker Pelosi doesn’t need their help in that regard. She is the biggest “rump” in any hearing. Many would testify to that.



Saturday, May 18, 2019

The "Cow Kiss Challenge"


                Tyrolean officials are warning people to stop French kissing cows.

                I must say, I never thought I would have reason to write that sentence. But it is, in fact, true.

                The Swiss app Castl created the phenomena by promoting its “Cow Kiss Challenge.” Castl has been encouraging people in Switzerland, Austria, and Germany to kiss cows, “with or without tongues,” for charity. “Snogging” cows, to use the British term, has apparently become all the rage in Austria, prompting politicians and farming officials to warn bovine bussers that they could be endangering the animals—and themselves— with their indiscriminate smooching. Many people have been filmed going into paddocks, or randomly approaching cows before laying a big, wet one on the baffled bovines.
                What’s the next “challenge?” The next frontier? Blowing into mountain goat’s ears? Giving steers a hand job?
                Josef Kossler, Tyrol’s state veterinary director, said that approaching cows looking after their calves could be “very dangerous,” going so far as to state that the “KuhKussChallenge” could lead to someone getting trampled to death. Tyrolean Chamber of Agriculture president Josef Hechenberger told Kurier: “The fact that our animals should be used for social media hype, I think, is very questionable, especially with regard to possible injuries.” Herr Hechenberger cautioned people to avoid engaging in the strange but trendy activity and urged those behind it to “rethink this project.” Austrian agricultural minister Elisabeth Kostinger took to Twitter to say: “Actions like these are dangerous nonsense. I have not the slightest understanding for a challenge of this kind!"

                You and me both, Ms. Kostinger.

   She added, “Pastures are not petting zoos. Mother cows protect their calves and become aggressive if you do not behave properly.” As well they should. #MeTooMoo.
   The cows have to be thinking, “It’s not enough that they’re pulling on our teats all the time, now they want to take the relationship to another level! Lord knows where their mouths have been! At least bring me a bottle of wine or a Hallmark card!”

   The hills are alive with the sound of “moo-sic”
   With songs they have sung for a thousand years
   The hills fill my heart with the sound of moo-sic
   My lips want to kiss every cow they near

   I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
   I know I will hear what I've heard before
  My heart will be blessed with the sound of moo-sic
  And I'll snog a cow once more


Friday, May 17, 2019

Game Of Thrones In The News


                Game of Thrones, HBO’s spectacularly successful adaptation of the George R.R. Martin saga, is in its final season—and in the news more than ever. We recently learned that Bella Ramsey, the 15-year-old actress who played the (now) late Lady Mormont (who was crushed to death during the epic Battle of Winterfell as she stabbed a White Walker giant in the eye), is not allowed to watch the series because her parents—rightfully—think the series is too gory and adult-themed.
                Then there was incredulous mockery of a recent scene in which a disposable plastic coffee cup could be distinguished amid the otherwise authentically medieval accoutrement. Many wondered how such a glaring faux pas could possibly have occurred in a series with such production values, and one so lavishly outfitted, funded, shot and examined. It does boggle the mind, but, perhaps we are all being too hard on the iconic series. It’s not as if G.O.T. is the only major television or movie production that has ever experienced a similar embarrassing lapse of historical credibility. Or, as another iconic television institution (Sesame Street) puts it, “One of these things just doesn’t belong here, one of these things just isn’t the same.”

                I list here, for my beloved reader’s edification, ten other epic film foul-ups of similar type:

                *Yoda eating a Burger King Whopper in the original “Star Wars” movie, Episode IV. (“Eat you I will…yes, yes…”).

                *The “Fats Domino” record seen in the background of the Biblical epic film, “Ben Hur.”

                *A soldier playing Pokémon Go on the beach during “Dunkirk.”

                *Multiple Rubik’s Cubes seen in the movie “Titanic.”

                *A Nerf football clearly visible in “The Last Emperor.”

                *The bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) consumed by Union soldiers in 
“Gettysburg.”

                *Two Hula Hoops in the movie “Lincoln.”

                *A “Captain Fantastic” pinball machine on the battlefield during the movie “Braveheart,” chronicling fighting between Scottish and English troops in the 13th century.

                *Spartacus playing with a “slinky” in the movie “300.”

                *Thomas Jefferson using a flip-phone to call Ben Franklin in HBO’s otherwise critically acclaimed mini-series “John Adams.”

                It can happen to the best of them, right? Sometimes these things just slip through your hands. Now, about Jaime Lannister’s hands…


Thursday, May 16, 2019

Abortion Insanity


                Clinical insanity appears to be a prerequisite for Democrats speaking about abortion in 2019. Case in point: Alabama state Senator Bobby Singleton. Senator Singleton was not happy that a pro-life bill placing significant restrictions on abortion easily passed in the state’s House of Representatives (74-3) and the Senate (25-6). According to Fox News, he took to the Senate floor to chastise his fellow Senators, saying: “You don’t care anything about babies for real, you just kicked them in the stomach, and you aborted them yourself! You just aborted the state of Alabama with your rhetoric with this bill! You just aborted the state of Alabama yourself, and all of you should be put in jail for this abortion that you just laid on the state of Alabama! This is just a shame, this is a disgrace, and it’s a travesty!”
                Passing a bill to prevent babies from being dismembered, ripped from the womb and disposed of like so many hypodermic needles is kicking them in the stomach and aborting the entire state of Alabama? He wants to imprison 99 of his fellow representatives for casting votes?
   But Senator Simpleton was just getting started. Why stop him when he was on a roll? He continued, saying those who voted in favor of the bill “don’t care nothing about mothers of the state of Alabama.” (Other than encouraging mothers to be/stay mothers). He added: “You just raped Alabama with this bill that you about to send out here, and the governor, when you sign it, you just raped the state of Alabama yourself! You just aborted and raped the state of Alabama! You just raped every little baby, you just raped every little girl, you just raped every woman who been raped by women, you just raped her all over again! Yes, I said it! And I hope your conscience is eating your head up!” Fox reported that he finished by proclaiming: “She was pregnant with this bad bill, and you just aborted her!” In progressives land of topsy-turvydom, voting to prevent widespread abortions is the one true abortion. Of someone. Or everyone. Or the whole state. Incidentally, the governor to whom Singleton was referring, Kay Ivey, is a woman. But she is also a Republican, so she should have been aborted. At least then she wouldn’t have been able to rape “every little baby” by signing a bill protecting babies. Time will tell if she still has her whole head after putting her imprimatur on such a radical bill protecting life.
The Senator’s entire tirade is, honestly, too preposterous and sad on too many levels for me to lampoon.
Happily, however, that is not the case for Bernie Sanders’ claim that abortion is a “Constitutional right.” I am fully cognizant of the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” but I confess I am ignorant of the clause guaranteeing the right to “end a pregnancy if it should in any way inconvenience the prospective mother.”
Nor is it the case for Hillary Rodham Clinton’s recent remarks savaging state-level restrictions on abortion. She recently tweeted: “The abortion bans in Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, Kentucky, and Mississippi are appalling attacks on women’s lives and fundamental freedoms.” She urged her followers to donate to The National Network of Abortion Funds, one of whose member organizations is the Lilith Fund, named for an ancient demon who, according to mythology, preyed on children as well as pregnant women. Nice. In a separate tweet, she called on followers to prevent “a future in which our daughters and granddaughters have fewer rights than we do.”
This, too, is an inconceivably stupid remark. Those who are pro-life are trying to prevent a future in which there are no daughters and granddaughters. And who has fewer rights than an unborn baby girl?
I have always said that “pro-choice” people’s insistence that women have the inherent right to do whatever they wish with their own bodies is—or should be—an easily refuted lie. None of us have the right to drive drunk or rob a bank. With our own bodies. Even if we aren’t sheltering a nascent human life inside of us. Or trying to hurt anyone else.



Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Chick-fil-A Victim Of Collegiate Discrimination, Intolerance


                The California Polytechnic State University academic senate recently passed a resolution calling for the school’s administration to evict the campus’ Chick-fil-A restaurant from school grounds. The students say they are demanding the removal of the franchise, which has been a campus staple for 25 years, because the company’s donations don’t align with the university’s values. “Academic Senate Vice Chair” Thomas Gutierrez says Chick-fil-A donates to “anti-LGBTQ” groups, and that alone is grounds for booting the establishment off campus. Incredibly, Gutierrez told the school’s newspaper, Mustang News: “We don’t sell pornography in the bookstore and we don’t have a Hooters on campus—we already pre-select those kinds of things based on our existing values. This is a similar thing, the difference is we’re actually profiting from this. So our money, every dollar a student is spending at Chick-fil-A, is going to these causes that are in violation of our values.”
                Who are these nefarious groups that Chick-fil-A supports with its donations? The Communist Party USA? NAMBLA? No, Cal Poly’s “academic senate” would probably be fine with either of those. Honestly. The groups benefitting from Chick-fil-A’s largess are: the Salvation Army, the Paul Anderson Youth Home and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. My God, has the company no shame? All three of these organizations are probably dubbed “hate groups” by the Southern Poverty Law Center, an organization that truly is utterly evil.
                A Chick-fil-A spokesperson responded to the media’s repeated mischaracterization of its donations-- and the groups it donates to-- by stating: “The work of the Foundation is committed to youth and education. The Foundation’s giving helps with economic mobility of young people by focusing on homelessness and poverty, education, and community revitalization, and is done with no political or social agenda. The narrative that our giving was done to support a political or non-inclusive agenda is inaccurate and misleading.”
                I have a gay friend and a lesbian acquaintance. I know there are many good and decent gay and lesbian folks. I believe in tolerance and treating people how they treat you. But, I have had enough—way more than enough—of the hardcore LGBTQ “movement.” They make everything political. And these fascist thugs don’t give a rat’s ass about the homeless, poverty, children’s mobility, or community revitalization if it doesn’t explicitly advance their agenda. Students’ attempts to kick Chick-fil-A off campuses because of Chick-fil-A’s morals and “values” boggles any rational, reasonable mind. Yet, there isn’t a week that goes by where at least one college isn’t considering banning the Georgia-based chicken sandwich purveyor from befouling its campus.
                The same colleges that routinely hold “sex week” and “Anal-sex workshops” can’t stomach the thought of a Chick-fil-A nearby? Vice Chair Gutierrez has the demented gall to compare the company’s outlets with Hooters……and pornography, because he thinks it’s offensive to the LGBTQ community? Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with whips, two-headed dildos and dental dams, but get that chicken sandwich out of here, you sick freak!
                In truth, what really sends these democracy-hating bullies into a frenzy is the mention of The Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Or, more precisely, the word Christian and what it means to them. You know they would have no problem with an organization titled, The Fellowship of Athletes. They don’t want anyone, anything, or any belief system to “harsh their mellow” or potentially infer that their chosen behavior and lifestyle is any less divine than anyone else’s. In fact, they now make it clear that they believe Christians are a hate group, and morally inferior to themselves. They loudly tout their own “values” while denigrating those of anyone who holds traditional ones.

                Chick-fil-A’s long-time slogan might be good advice for college radicals and LGBTQ militants: “Eat More Chicken.”

                And fewer things that require the use of a dental dam.  
               




Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Drag Queens Ahoy! For Mother's Day


Nabisco utilized a 46-second Twitter commercial to promote its Chips Ahoy! Cookies in a recent Mother’s Day ad. And who better to celebrate the importance of motherhood and tug on the apron—and heart— strings than a drag queen?! That’s right, the company chose reality TV contestant Jose Cancel (!), aka Miss Vanjie, to melt mother’s hearts.
Miss Vanjie touchingly said: “What’s a sweet gesture for you to do to your momma? Your real momma, your drag momma, whichever momma, somebody, whoever takes care of you, whoever you feel or consider your momma, it’s their day today.” That’s right, actually giving birth is no longer a prerequisite for being considered a mom. If you identify as a mom……you are one! Just like gender, motherhood is only a social construct, a state of mind, an ephemeral choice, no more based in biological fact than is the color of one’s shirt.
I can be a boy, I can be a girl, I can be a father, I can be a mother! I am woke! I have spoke! Celebrate my inner social justice warrior! Tremble at my tolerance! Bow down before my inclusiveness! Praise my inner perv! My fetish makes me moral! I kink therefore I am!
Thus, Mother’s Day, like everything else the left addresses, is watered down, diminished, cheapened……sullied.
“Miss Vanjie” did acknowledge her real mom, apparently, saying, “I am so thankful to have a mother, like mine, who supports me through all my craziness, and loves on me, and buys me Chips Ahoy! Cookies.” There it is, the corporate message: “Buy this product, as we are woke.” Virtue-signaling by any other name would smell as rank.
I’m sure Miss Vanjie’s mom, whichever, somebody, whoever takes care of “her,” really does shower her with Chips Ahoy! cookies. Right. This ad nearly made me toss my cookies.
It would have been more truthful  if Nabisco had had Miss Vanjie say: “I don’t always shamelessly pander to a tiny fringe minority group, but when I do, I do it for Chips Ahoy!”






Monday, May 13, 2019

Rep. Tlaib Lashes Out Again


                Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich.), of “impeach the motherf***er” fame, recently told a Yahoo News podcast, “There’s kind of a calming feeling, I always tell folks, when I think of the Holocaust and the tragedy of the Holocaust and the fact that it was my ancestors—Palestinians—who lost their land and some lost their lives, their livelihood, their human dignity, their existence in many ways had been wiped out. All of it was in the name of trying to create a safe haven for Jews…” Now tell us the one about the three bears.
                Her statement is a complete fabrication. The Palestinians were hostile to the Jews then as they are now. One of their leaders, Haj Amin al-Husseini, was close to SS commander Heinrich Himmler. They did not graciously give up their land, dignity and existence so the Jewish people had somewhere to go.
                And she experiences a “calming feeling” when she thinks of the Holocaust? Does she also experience a “calming feeling” when she thinks about 9/11? The Bataan Death March? The Killing Fields? Perhaps she is in ecstasy when remembering Soviet tanks crushing all in their way during the Prague Spring of 1968? Is she blissfully content when pondering the plagues? Fully “at peace” when contemplating the Jonestown Massacre? The monster within is barely hidden.
                What if President Trump had said he experiences a “calming feeling” when thinking about 20th-Century Klan violence? Would Democrats and the mainstream media have cared what he had to say after that? Let him off the hook? I mean, WTF?! People are getting attacked for wearing hats that say, “Make America Great Again,” and yet we are tolerating this? WTFWTF??!!
                A few Republicans called for Democratic leadership (there’s an oxymoron for you!) to reprimand Tlaib for her “vile anti-Semitism,” provoking her to angrily claim that they were taking her comments out of context and trying to silence her to push their “racist and hateful agenda.” Tlaib’s office followed that up with a statement condemning Republicans and “right-wing extremists” for “spreading outright lies to incite hate.” Projection, it’s what you do when you are a progressive. Angrily denouncing your opponents for beliefs and behaviors you yourself hold and engage in is a time-tested tactic of radical leftists. Tlaib is rapidly proving herself to be a world-class prevaricator of almost Clintonian proportions. She is clearly an extremist, a racist, an anti-Semite…and full of hatred for anyone who dares to oppose her.
                Rational folks will experience a calming feeling when she is no longer a member of the United States Congress.
               

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Therapy Donkeys


                Apparently, warm cookies, coloring books, Play-Doh-- and even puppies-- aren’t enough to get snowflakes through the stress of final exams, term papers and other end-of-semester assignments. The State University of New York at Plattsburgh recently brought a small herd of miniature donkeys to campus to help students cope with the otherwise unbearable pressure of schoolwork.
                Ken Besaw of Thera-Pets, the New York-based organization that runs the “animal assisted visitation program,” told a local ABC news affiliate: “Spend 10 minutes with them. You’ll chill right out.” A video shows the students petted, played and cavorted with the therapy donkeys, horsing around to their hearts content.
                Therapy donkeys are the perfect symbol of today’s Democratic Party. They don’t help you achieve or produce, conceive or create, inspire or elevate, understand or accept. But they do make many people feel better about themselves, especially when they are acting like immature jackasses.

Saturday, May 11, 2019

I Adulted!


                Do you know someone from Generation Z who actually made his bed today? A Millennial who washed her cereal bowl? If so, the “I Adulted!” calendar is the gift for them. The “I Adulted!” journal is a 16-month almanac containing 100 colorful stickers touting a person’s magnificent daily accomplishments, such as cooking for themselves and emptying the litter box. It is available for just $15.99 on Amazon. (Get a sticker if you “Paid for it Myself!”).
                The “I Adulted!” 2019-2020 calendar is the successor to the “I Adulted Stickers for Grown-Ups” book which came out in 2017, and the “I Adulted!” 2018-2019 calendar. Purchasers say the “I Adulted!” merchandise is “fun,” “encouraging,” and “a great morale booster,” in their reviews of the products.
   One can always hope that most see the calendar as a gag gift, but this is anything but abundantly clear. Other stickers in the current edition proclaim, “I wasn’t Late Today,” “I Recycled,” and “My Parents Don’t Pay My Rent.” Well, isn’t that special.
  These stickers all remind me of the inane “I Voted Today” stickers Americans are automatically given after voting in a November election, the proper rejoinder to which is “I Puked Upon Reading Your Pathetic, Virtue-Signaling, Childlike Advertisement That You Actually Found A Way To Do Your Civic Duty.” But, I digress.
  So, go ahead and proudly post your virtue-signaling messages, young adults: “I brushed my teeth.” “I changed my underwear.” “I didn’t send out a tweet today!” “I learned about Cicero.” (Fat chance). “I knew how much change I was supposed to get back when buying my latte.” “I wrote cursive today! Without cursing!!” “I was able to tell time on an old round-faced clock!” “I didn’t let my pants hang down to my thighs today.” “I only played on the X-Box for two hours today!” “I didn’t smoke a doobie today! Well, not a whole one anyway.” “I picked up my dog’s poop.” “I’m 36, and I don’t live with my parents!” “Like, I read something today!”
               Really want to prove you’re growing up? Put on stickers that say, “No one owes me anything,” “I am not a victim,” or “I don’t know what I don’t know.”  
 The next time I leave a polling place after voting I’m going to wear a sticker of my own making stating, “I Republicaned Today.”


Friday, May 10, 2019

Sologamy


                The “Me” generation has taken things to a new level, ushered in a brave new era. Speaking of ushers, the practice of “sologamy,” or marrying oneself, is now “a thing.” Finding that perfect person to share one’s life with has just become easier. Or has it? In days of yore, young people of both sexes were encouraged to look outward…to religion and spirituality for true happiness and meaning. Correspondingly, they looked outward for a partner who could complete them, be “their other half,” in a covenantal union that would unite masculine and feminine traits and bring about the miracle of life.
                Today? Not so much. Why embark on a probably lengthy, fruitless search for that mythical perfect other and end up settling for someone who will cheat on you and leave the toilet seat up or down as the case may be? Maybe that perfect someone was with you all along. Maybe that perfect someone was…you. Why go through the grind of the dating scene? Why get used to someone else’s quirks when you are already used to your own? Marrying yourself is certainly less expensive then inviting someone else into your life, home and bedroom. And it most assuredly fits with today’s mores…or lack thereof, which are not about working hard to build a life together while sharing the best of times and the worst of times. Indeed, they are about avoiding anything one doesn’t find comforting. Pleasing oneself is in, pleasing others is a bit passé, so 1940s.
                So let’s look in now at Pat, a real-life sologamist, and how she came to wed herself, shall we? Alright, take it away, Pat!
                “Well, I was tired of the bar scene, and social media doesn’t do anything for me. Plus, I had been quite fond of myself for some time now. I mean, I thought I was very good looking-- smoking hot really-- so that helped. I have always been comfortable around myself, too. I just sort of hit it off with myself early on. Then, too, I realized that I can be any sex or gender I want now, at any time, so that helped. I was hoping for a while that I would ask myself to marry me. I’ve always loved to be around water, so, when I finally took myself to Niagara Falls, I had a little hunch. Just a faint hope, really. But, when I took myself out to dinner, I didn’t seem nervous at all. It felt like just a normal evening, and I began to lose hope. So, when I got down on one knee to propose to myself, I was super surprised! I was the happiest girl in the world!
   “Of course, I had to sow some ‘wild oats’ after that. My bachelorette parties were crazy, I can promise you that! I can’t even tell you the things I saw! But the service was beautiful. I barely held it together when the minister said, ‘Do you take yourself to be your lawfully wedded partner, through sickness and in health? Do you promise to love and obey yourself until death do you part?’ Of course I said, ‘I do.’ (blushes). I can’t wait for my honeymoon!” (blushes again).
   
                                    ***************************
(See also my post of 10/15/2017, “Italian Woman Marries Herself”)

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Discovers Garbage Disposals


                Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is in the news again. This time for being utterly astounded—gob-smacked even—by her garbage disposal, further strengthening her reputation as the most clueless human in congress. (Sadly, this may make her more representative of many of her Millennial constituents).
                The young New York Democrat recently posted a video of herself exploring her swanky—or, as she termed it, “bougie”-- new apartment in D.C. The Instagram footage captures AOC standing near her sink and saying: “Okay everyone, I need your help because I just moved into this apartment a few months ago and I just flipped a switch (she flips switch) and it made that noise and it scared the daylights out of me.” She added, “I am told this is a garbage disposal. I’ve never seen a garbage disposal. I never had one in any place I’ve ever lived. It is terrifying. I don’t know what it’s for, or what its purpose is. Like, food scraps? Like, is this environmentally sound?” Nice try. Now tell us the one about the three bears. I’m betting she’s at least seen one on television, in the movies, or on various platforms of social media. But that would weaken her bid to burnish her “woe was me, a poor little marginalized female minority growing up on the wrong side of the tracks” credentials. It’s odd she knows it is called a “garbage disposal” yet claims to have no idea what it is or what “its purpose is.” Is it “environmentally sound?” We know she is not mentally sound.

               Wait until she discovers her refrigerator, microwave or pizza cutter!

               The Green-New-Deal-promoting radical ignoramus took some gentle ribbing on Twitter for the post, and, as is her wont, took offense and fired back at her tormentors, tweeting: “I grew up seeing how the zip code one is born in determines much of their opportunity. Your attempt to strip me of my family, my story, my home, and my identity is exemplary of how scared you are of the power of all four of those things.” If she thinks the zip code one was born in determines one’s opportunity, that’s far more “terrifying” than a garbage disposal. No one is trying to strip Ms. Occasional-Cortex of her story or identity. No one is scared of them, either.
               The Girl Wonder later posed the age-old question: “Is this what social mobility is? Using kitchen appliances you never saw growing up?” Actually, AOC, perhaps social mobility is being elected to high office (even though you probably can’t spell the term).
               The fact that someone like Ocasio-Cortez could be elected is proof positive that her claims of being deprived, marginalized and discriminated against are so much garbage. If AOC really wants to serve the public, she should stuff those claims into her newly discovered garbage disposal……and flip the switch again.



Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Queer Feminist Mermaid Running For Senate



                Bre Kidman is 31-years-old, and a self-described “queer feminist mermaid.” And, she is a Democratic candidate for Senator, hoping to unseat Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine). Kidman, a lawyer, was born female but doesn’t use feminine pronouns, preferring “they” or “them.”
                Kidman, like many of her fellow Vermontians, wasn’t pleased with Collins’ vote to confirm Brett Cavanaugh. In fact, a progressive group started a fundraiser that has already raised $3.8 million to be awarded to the winner of the Democratic primary. The queer feminist told The Free Beacon: "I do think I can be competitive in the primary and the general, and party support would make it easier, which is why I decided to join the party system. Maine is in a unique situation because a lot of people donated to a crowd-fund that will go to the Democratic nominee.”
                “They” will fit right in with other Democratic candidates running for office in 2020, whether at the state or national level. “They” told The Sun Journal: “Like all other politicians, whether or not they want to admit it, I’m a human being who has grown and changed over the years. I am funny. I’m weird. I’m serious. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m a lot of different things. And I want to be in a culture where it’s OK to be a lot of different things and also take part in building what we as a country are.”
                The multi-dimensional mermaid’s Facebook page touts Kidman as a “Criminal defense attorney by day & radical fat queer/performance artist/model/musician/activist most other times.” According to Fox News, the Senate hopeful has done work for the Maine Educationalists on Sexual Harmony (MESH), “teaching people about consent through a body-positive fashion show, and sex education through burlesque.”
                “Them,” who appears to enjoy talking to media outlets, told The Washington Free Beacon that her mermaid persona is “an artistic identity, not a serious identity … I'm a playful person, I'm not going to pretend I'm all serious all the time, because I'm not. I'm mermaid-esque in nature.”
                Kidman is currently working to raise funds and is scheduled to meet with the Democratic Party of Maine in the near future.
                There has been a virtual stampede of officials taking high office recently who have seemingly been elected because of the “firsts” they bring to their positions: gay, married gay, lesbian, bisexual, Muslim, etc. If you could find a queer feminist Muslim mermaid, you’d have yourself one hell of a candidate! If that individual was also black and transgendered, he or she they would be unbeatable! Intersectionality ‘til the cows come home! (Or are exterminated by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez).
                Intersectionality today! Intersectionality tomorrow! Intersectionality forever! In today’s culture, it is certainly okay to be a lot of different things. As long as white, Christian and male aren’t among them.


Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Biden Says "Thatcher" Concerned About Trump


                Democratic presidential candidate Sleepy Joe Biden might have pulled a partial Rip Van Winkle. He recently told a crowd of fundraisers in Columbia, South Carolina, that Margaret Thatcher is concerned about the United States under President Trump. Bloomberg News reported that Biden listed Thatcher as one of 14 heads of state who he claimed have told him of their worries about the president.
                Thatcher is not worried about Trump. She’s not worried about anything. She is, in fact, at peace. Largely because she’s dead and has been for six years. “Tot” as the Germans say. She resigned as Prime Minister a mere 29 years ago, so it’s easy to understand Biden’s little faux pas.
                According to Bloomberg News, Biden eventually corrected himself, telling the assembled donors he meant to say British Prime Minister Theresa May, who has been Prime Minister since 2016. Biden said the error was a “Freudian slip.” Perhaps he had a thing for Margaret, despite their political differences and the fact that she was actually competent. And perhaps the 14 heads of state should be concerned that Biden might become president.
                Biden went on to remark that he himself was concerned about Trump’s “recent lengthy phone call with Stalin,” while noting that he was puzzled why the president was sending a carrier group towards Iran, “given the fact that the Shah is our ally.”

                Biden, always a fresh and radical thinker, has hit on a campaign slogan for his presidential run: “Make America Moral Again.” (Hmm. That sounds vaguely familiar, though). Look for “MAMA” hats to be available at stores near you soon!

    Sleepy Joe says if he had to choose a nick-name for President Trump it would be “clown.” That may be a case of projection. Biden is already acting the part of court jester.



Monday, May 6, 2019

Alabama Rep. Says "Kill Them Now Or Kill Them Later"


 How low can Democrats go? Representative John Rogers (D-Ala.) recently answered that question anew when he said of abortion: “Some kids are unwanted, so you kill them now or you kill them later.” I mean, like, hello! Duh! Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be, right?
This comment, made on the state’s House floor, seemed to upset Donald Trump, Jr. for some reason, causing him to characterize Rogers’ remark as “stomach curling.” He tweeted, “The extreme turn we’ve seen from Dems on abortion recently is truly sickening.” When Rogers was asked about Trump Jr.’s response to his pro-abortion comments, he laughed and embarked on a lengthy—if nearly incoherent—statement:
“Hey, that’s an honor. Donald Trump Jr. said that, thank God. Right on. That’s how I know I’m right. Because I don’t know nothing he’s been right on since he’s been here. That proves the right to make a decision about abortion. Him being born, that proves the right. That’s a very, very good defense I have for an abortion right there, him……looked at him and said a woman should’ve aborted him when he was born…he wouldn’t have made that stupid statement, right? So his parents made a decision for him. That’s fresh proof I’ve got that the mother ought to have the right to have an abortion. They made a decision to have him, didn’t they? They could’ve aborted him. But they made a decision to keep him. Because he’s evidently retarded. Or crazy. Donald trump’s son, I know it’s something wrong with the boy. I can look at him and tell something’s wrong with him. That’s the best defense I’ve got for abortion right there is looking at him.”
Kill ‘em now or kill ‘em later. Whatever. Donald Trump, Jr. should have been aborted because he’s “evidently retarded?” Rogers would’ve aborted him because he can tell that something’s wrong with him just by “looking at him?” Love those kind and tolerant Democrats! Can anyone imagine Martin Luther King, Jr. uttering these despicable words? Of course not. These are the words of the worst kind of bigot and human being. These are the words of a eugenicist. These are the words of an idiot. If the roles were essentially reversed and a white congressman had said the same about Malia Obama all hell would have broken loose. The congressman would have been savaged and chased out of office. There would’ve been death threats. And nightly news specials on MSNBC, CNN, CBS, NBC and ABC with titles like: “America on the Brink, White Supremacists Reign.”
When leftists are threatened by someone, whether unborn or a political opponent, it’s “Kill them now or kill them later.” No big whoop. If they don’t care for a president, it’s “Impeach him now or impeach him later.” Screw the will of the majority, screw the people.
If Representative Rogers is representative of more than a tiny fraction of the American electorate, America will not only be dead later, it is as good as dead now.


Sunday, May 5, 2019

Vegan Bride Disinvites Non-Vegans


                A vegan bride disinvited some guests to her wedding—including her mother and two bridesmaids-- because they wouldn’t comply with her demand that they permanently adopt the vegan lifestyle.
                The woman originally requested that all of the guests eat from a vegan menu, according to a since-deleted post in a vegan Facebook group. She subsequently decided this wasn’t draconian enough and attempted to make her guests swear to give up meat and animal byproducts in perpetuity. Talk about chutzpah!
                News.com.au reported that Bridezilla wrote in Vegan Revolution: “Just for some context, some family members were told they are not invited to my wedding because we don’t want to host murderers. Our wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives.” She whined that her family had never been supportive of her diet, writing: “When I broke the news to them, all I got was attacked because I don’t want the weight of having people that still kill animals at my wedding on my conscience.”
                Some fellow vegans took to social media to praise her for her stance. One wrote of reasons to “hate ‘Meaters.’”
                She doesn’t want to host “murderers?” Did she disinvite any guests who have had an abortion?
                Here’s a helpful wedding tip for brides-to-be: if you want a beautiful, harmonious wedding, don’t act like a vegan Marxist dictator or Alexandria (“The Boss”) Ocasio-Cortez on a bad day.
                Bridezilla’s behavior is sadly typical of progressives/leftists. They want total control over others, from cradle (if they allow them to be born) to grave. They want to tell everyone else what they are allowed to eat, say and think. People everywhere: wake up! Don’t put up with their tyrannical bullshit anymore.
                If I were her dad, I would have been thrilled to give her away, because I would no longer have to deal with her twisted arrogance, mindless intolerance and existential amorality anymore. “Take my daughter. Please!”
                I hope her guests enjoyed the tofu chicken and the wedding cake made from non-animal byproducts.
               

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Burger King Introducing Mood Meals


            Burger King is about to let its customers have it their way…based on what kind of mood they’re in at the time they order. The chain recently announced the launch of a new collection of meal boxes designed to compete with—or mock-- McDonald’s “Happy Meals.” BK will offer Whopper-based meal boxes in a variety of different moods, though “happy” won’t be an option.
The company partnered with Mental Health America on the May campaign to coincide with Mental Health Awareness Month. The Miami-based restaurant giant issued a press release stating flatly: “No one is ‘Happy’ all the time,” and adding, “With the pervasive nature of social media, there is so much pressure to appear happy and perfect.” By contrast, The King will encourage patrons to “be and feel their way.” Mood boxes will include “YAAAS” (slang for yes), “Salty,” “Blue,” “Pissed,” and the soon-to-be-popular “DGAF,” the acronym standing for “Don’t Give A F—k.” I kid you not. (And, for the good of the republic, let’s hope not too many kids ask for this box).
Burger King already offers an “Angry Whopper,” so I’m assuming they will go in the “Pissed” box. Perhaps their “King” sandwiches can go in the “Bossy” mood boxes and their chicken products in those marked “Frightened.” Hopefully, BK will announce a new “Nothing Burger” to go inside “Apathetic” and “Indifferent” boxes. Will there be an endless selection of mood boxes? “Amused,” “Blissful,” “Calm,” “Flirty,” “Mellow,” “Silly,” “Sympathetic,” “Annoyed,” “Depressed,” “Frustrated,” “Grumpy,” “Melancholy,” “Pessimistic,” “Restless,” “Sad,” “Stressed,” collect ‘em all! “Envious?” Must be a “Whopper” inside.
“DGAF” boxes seem rather mild and routine. They’re probably for those who are just mostly unconcerned. I would hope to see “Don’t Give A Flying F—K” (DGAFF) boxes and “Don’t Give A Rat’s Ass” (DGARA) boxes for those who really, truly don’t care at all.
I’m guessing the chain soon introduces “Woke” breakfasts with menu items like “Veggie Breakfast Burritos,” and “Hashish-browns.” What could be more natural? In point of fact, BK has already added the “Impossible Burger” to its menu, a plant-based “burger” that supposedly tastes like meat but is made of soy protein, coconut oil and heme. (The Impossible Burger must come in the “I’m Virtue-Signaling Today”—IVST-- box).
Someone once said, “The times, they are-a-changin’.” You couldn’t have taken your family down to the local fast-food joint in the not-too-distant past and ordered a “Don’t Give A F—K Meal.” Don’t tell me progress isn’t real.

“A box that says ‘blue,’ a box that says ‘fright,’ whatever kind of mood you’re in tonight. I’ll meet you any time you want, in our Burger King restaurant.”
                              ***************************************
(McDonald’s, BK’s arch-competitor, reported strong sales in the first quarter of this year, driven by new menu items and promotions, including its new donut sticks and bacon-loaded items. Now those are “Happy Meals.”  That chain will have happy customers. If only for a short while).
 


Friday, May 3, 2019

Rep. Eric Swalwell Irked Constitution Doesn't Mention Women


                Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif.) recently announced he was running for president. Why not? He joins about 20 other Democrats in seeking the 2020 nomination, each one seemingly further to the left than the one before. Swalwell, who is from the “Left Coast,” is the chair of the Intelligence Modernization and Readiness Subcommittee of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence (IMRSHPSCI…MOUSE) and is also a member of the House Judiciary Committee. How he got placed on these committees is anyone’s guess. He is only 38 and does not possess unimpeachable credentials.
                Speaking of impeachment, Swalwell called for Attorney General William Barr to be impeached for declining to testify before the House Judiciary Committee. He previously remarked that impeaching President Trump is “not off the table.” Like most Democrats, he seems to want to impeach anyone and everyone else impeachable who doesn’t agree with him on the issues. And, like most Democrats, he is anti-gun and pro-abortion, a policy blend that ensures that death reigns supreme. Also like most Democrats, he is running for president in 2020, as I previously mentioned.
                But all’s not well with Swalwell, who called Trump a “traitor” prior to the release of the Mueller Report. His Democratic rivals are generally ahead of him when it comes to raising money and putting forth policy ideas, so he has promised to select a woman as his running mate. Because, he notes, he’s a “white man” who knows he “can’t speak to someone else’s experience.” In an even more pathetic attempt to ingratiate himself with females, the largest voting block in America, he recently tweeted: “Do you know how many times the word ‘Woman’ is mentioned in the Constitution? Zero.” He added, “That is unacceptable. Women must be equally represented and equally protected.”

    He forgot to mention the number of times the Constitution mentions the word “man,” also zero.

                Then, in a fit of virtue-signaling, Swalwell correctly-- if arrogantly-- noted that the Constitution does not mention the word “lesbian” either. He went on to angrily denounce the founders, and James Madison in particular, stating: “What’s more, don’t look for ‘dyke’ in the Constitution! Or ‘whore.’ Or ‘butch.’ You can seek, but you shall not find ‘dildo’ or ‘vibrator’ anywhere in the ‘Bundle of Compromises.’ And there is no reference to ‘the LGBTQ+ Community.’ How is that possible? Nor do the words ‘transgender,’ ‘polyamory,’ or ‘necrophilia’ appear anywhere in our founding document. The phrase ‘dental dam’ is absent, too. It doesn’t appear. Not once. Not one damn time! Shameful.” 



Thursday, May 2, 2019

California Utilities To Implement "Public Safety" Power Shutoffs


                The San Francisco-based Pacific Gas and Electric Company (PG & E) recently announced it will institute a “Public Safety Power Shutoff” policy during “Red Flag” periods with low humidity and sustained winds in excess of 25 mph. The company will shut down its electrical grid for as many as 5.4 million users when such conditions exist, in order to reduce the chances of a wild fire occurring, despite the obvious risks to shut-ins and the elderly. The shutoffs could last up to five days, prompting the company to suggest that the elderly and shut-ins who “require electricity to sustain life” may wish to create an “emergency preparedness plan.” Nice call. Government officials fear that patients on medical equipment could be at risk of dying under the new policy and noted that during recent wildfires some seniors were unable to open garage doors to escape.
                PG & E was bankrupted after facing $30 billion in liability claims in 2017 and 2018 and says it has been forced to adopt the shutoffs by a California Court of Appeals opinion that makes utilities liable for wind-driven powerline-sparking wildfire losses without regard for determination of negligence. Power companies and other observers say that California has suffered more and bigger wildfires since the adoption of the Northwest Forest Plan in 1994 that prioritized protecting old-growth forests. The Bush administration tried to reverse the Clinton-era policy, but was rebuffed by environmentalists. The Obama administration reinstated the anti-logging policies and supported even stricter logging rules put in place by former California Governor Jerry Brown. The California Legislature passed Senate Bill 901, signed by Brown in 2018, which relieved utilities from liability during the wildfire “de-energizing” events, paving the way for a future full of them.
                The desire to protect certain species, habitats and old-growth forests is warranted, but there most be a concurrent cost-benefit analysis, both for the environment and for the people at risk.
                “Public Safety Power Shutoffs,” essentially mandated by government policy, are “red-flag” events for the elderly and infirm, for whom they are anything but safe. How many people will be permanently “de-energized” when the electricity is shut off?

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Earth Jurisprudence


                The Pi Sigma Alpha chapter of Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado, recently hosted a native American activist to promulgate the idea that nature should be granted rights, affording the Earth itself legal protection. Pi Sigma Alpha is not a fraternity. It is the National Political Science Honor Society, and also comprises the school’s political science club. The club invited Tom Goldtooth, a well-known “environmental justice and indigenous rights activist” according to an email it put out, to speak about environmentalism and social justice, including “Earth Jurisprudence,” a legal philosophy premised on the belief that “Mother Earth” has legal rights which demand protection. (Yet, according to its own policy guidelines, Pi Sigma Alpha is prohibited from sponsoring any partisan event or activity. I guess partisan is in the eye of the beholder).
                Mr. Goldtooth’s lecture focused on providing the Earth with legal representation, which would in turn allow people to sue on behalf of the planet. Earth Jurisprudence in action. Campus Reform recently cited a website called The Rights of Nature, which is dedicated to giving the Earth legal representation. The site explains that Earth Jurisprudence advocates for laws which would make certain actions “illegitimate and ‘unlawful,’” thereby permitting prosecution of actions which infringe on the Earth’s rights.
                Who would be authorized to sue on “nature’s” behalf? Who decides what human actions are “illegitimate?” Who decides what rights the planet has? Would a successful suit bring remuneration? If so, to whom? “Mother Earth” doesn’t have any pockets…or a checking account. Would mining be a literal crime against nature? Fracking would certainly be illegal. What about an individual stabbing the Earth repeatedly with his or her shovel when prepping for a garden or planting a tree? Would that be legal, or would it be rape? Would the benefits be seen to outweigh the trauma caused? What about fertilization? Would one get a jury of his peers?   
                And God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the Earth…”
                And progressives said: “Don’t listen to that old, white, patriarchal, reactionary font of traditional morality! People are bad for the Earth, and cattle farts are too! In a perfect world, Earth would have dominion over us…or at least over those eeevil conservatives.”