Friday, May 30, 2014

Democrats Propose 'Progressive' Minimum Wage

Washington, D.C.-

            The Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) announced today it has a new proposal for a 'progressive' minimum wage scale.
            "It is our pleasure to be able to bring to the floor of both houses of congress a bill that encapsulates much of what we hold dear as a party...and indeed as a nation. We feel that we have eliminated all merit-based incentives. We are deeply proud to bring you the Progressive Minimum-wage Scale-or PMS! If passed, this bill would institute varying minimum wage rates based entirely on your race, creed, color, gender, sexual orientation and history of past discrimination as a community. Basically, the 'have communities' would have a lower minimum wage rate than the 'have not' communities. Brilliant, if we say so ourselves!! In one simple stroke past grievances could be redressed. This will help accomplish what our progressive income tax has somehow failed to do. I am also happy to say that we are working on another bill that would permanently freeze these wage rates for all members of each community, no matter the job or experience level or risk inherent to the position, to be annually adjusted for inflation. And now the PMS:"

     Community                                                   Hourly Min. Rate

    * Male WASPS...................................................$4.75
    *Female WASPS................................................$6.25
    *Males of Color.................................................$10.05
    *Females of Color.............................................$10.50
    *Atheist, Lesbian Women of Color...................$17.75
    *Islamic 'Insurgents'..........................................$20.10
    *Agnostic, Bi-Sexual, Transgender Mulattos...$35.00

After-Birth Abortion?

          Terrorist? No, “insurgent” or “freedom-fighter”.
          Terrorism? We say “man-caused disaster” or “workplace violence” in polite society!
          I thought those terms butchered the language.
          Now comes “after-birth abortion." In an article titled,  ”After-birth abortion: Why should the baby live?” (really) in the February 2012, ‘Journal of Medical Ethics’ (really) the authors argue that what they call ‘after-birth abortion’ “should be permissible even in cases where the newborn is not disabled."
         This has occurred, in fact. According to the ‘National Review’ (May 5, 2014), in Canada  literally hundreds of babies born alive during attempted abortions were left to die on the table. Planned Parenthood not only defended this practice, one of its lobbyists testified that the question of whether a newborn lives or dies “should be left up to the woman".

Austin, Texas-Jan. 22, 2016
        A 42 year old W.A.S.P. was convicted early last month of brutally  murdering 19 people in 3 separate incidents over the the last two years. The evidence was conclusive and he was put on death row awaiting lethal injection. The defense was outraged and took the moral high-ground. Protests sprung up and legal challenges ensued. The prosecution then claimed that this was only an “after-birth abortion”, after which the defense appeared dismayed, confused and listless. The protests stopped and the challenges were dropped.
        Then, the defendant himself stated that he had actually not murdered anyone. He had simply performed a number (19) of “after-birth abortions”. He was granted a reprieve and a retrial. Today he was granted his freedom, the jury deliberating for only 3 minutes and 32 seconds before issuing a unanimous decision to acquit. The decision was announced to riotous celebration by those in attendance, the after-birth abortionist-American community (AAAC), Public Television and several MSNBC 'talking heads.'
        The former defendant is now eligible to receive funding under the Affordable Care Act, and the DNC has asked him through backchannels how he feels about “those non-viable tissue masses at Fox News Corp.” He will be appearing next week on 'The View.'

        I wish the language was all we butchered.

Feds to 'Contract' State of Minnesota

Washington, D.C.-

     The federal government announced today that it has decided to “contract” the state of Minnesota.

“We wish to make this very clear. This has nothing to do with succession. Minnesota was firmly against this move from the outset” stated the government spokesman. “The federal government alone is responsible for this action. The evidence that called  for this move is pervasive, self-evident and overwhelming.

     “To wit: the University of Minnesota’s sports teams routinely lose to their neighboring North Dakota and North Dakota State teams…despite having several times the student body population of these schools. Indeed they are challenged by South Dakota’s teams on occasion, too. We won’t even start in on Wisconsin with the Packers and the Badgers. Hell, their own fans get shouted down in their own bars and restaurants! These are just neighboring states. If we look at Texas, for example…ugggh. The first ever ‘hail Mary’ pass in 1975  beat the Vikings. Dallas then took your Minnesota North Stars professional hockey team. The State of Hockey? Really? You had a 31-0 lead in a bowl game-held in Texas no less- on Texas Tech…and lost? Is that humanly possible?!!!? Louisiana? Vikes lost Bountygate to the Saints when they were clearly the better team. The big bad Gophers men’s hockey team? Lost to Air force and  Yale…and ‘Union’ (with a student body approximately 47,000 less than the ‘U’) … just in the last few years?!!!! Michigan? The ‘U’ Had a 28-0 lead-at home- going into the 4th quarter…and lost?? Holy crap!

     “New York? 41-donut. (Some sports historians now use the term ‘bagel’ ). California? Steve Young…’the Run’. They lost their pro basketball team to Los Angeles-the Lakers yet! Woulda thought they coulda kept that one. That was decades ago and they haven’t gotten a new professional basketball team yet! What? The Timberwolves?

    “ Nebraska? Is this a typo? It says here that in 1983 you lost at home to the Cornhuskers…84-13 (giggles, recomposes himself).  The ‘Love Boat’. The ‘whizzonater’. We could go on and on.

       “The business climate. The regulatory burden. The taxation.

     “The climate climate! (Embarrass, Minnesota is aptly named! Several days with temperatures lower than 40 below zero this past winter)? Ice covering lakes from November into May? Six months? Really? Half of the friggin’ year?

    “ Jessie (the ‘Body’) Ventura. Al Franken. Governor Goofy. The ONLY state in the union that voted for Walter Mondale over Ronald Reagan. Number 1 in voter fraud?

     “The state is basically one massive non-viable tissue mass crying out for after-birth abortion!

     “So we will return the state to a territory ( from which neighboring states will be allowed to absorb any parts they  deem beneficial. For example North Dakota may want to incorporate the many natural wonders, the sheer physical beauty and diversity of the land. South Dakota may want the Twin Cities metropolis. Iowa may want a lake or two to call their own. Wisconsin may want a professional hockey team, and so on). We are perfectly happy to go back to 49 states. That said, perhaps a better functioning government like, say, Puerto Rico’s, could lead them to become our second 50th state. Or if things get too chaotic in the new Minnesota Territory we could envision a new ‘East Dakota’ being formed as a viable second 50th state as well”.