According
to the Detroit Free Press, “A Sand Lake, Michigan couple’s pet parrot could be
used as evidence to prove Glenna Duram murdered her husband Martin.” You read
that correctly.
Over a
year after Mr. Duram was found dead from multiple gunshot wounds in the
couple’s Sand Lake home, Glenna Duram is incarcerated, accused of committing
the crime. Family members believe the couple quarreled over her gambling debts
which led to unpaid bills and a foreclosure on their home. They further believe
that she killed him and subsequently tried- but failed- to kill herself.
According
to the Free Press, “A few weeks after his death last May, the couple’s parrot
started repeating a loud, profane argument between a male and a female.” The
article didn’t say how experts knew the replicated ruckus was between a male
and a female. The bird must be highly skilled in conveying the subtle
tonalities and inflections of human voices.
At any
rate, the pretty, feathered tape-recorder apparently recounts both sides of the run-in.
As per
the parrot: (Martin told Glenna to) “Get out.”
“Where
will I go,” (Glenna replied).
(Then
Martin says) “Don’t f---ing shoot.”
The
now-deceased Mr. Duram’s former wife, Christine Keller, stated: “I believe with
all my heart that those are the last words of Marty. I recognize two different
voices screaming and yelling and it always ends with, ‘Don’t f---ing shoot.’”
Robert
Springstead, Newago County Prosecuting Attorney, says that they are studying
the parrot’s words in an effort to determine if they are admissible evidence.
“It’s an interesting novelty and it’s been a great opportunity for me to learn
about African parrots. It is something we are going to be looking at to
determine if it’s reliable to use or if it’s information we need to prosecute
this case,” Springstead said.
I must
admit, I thrill to the image of an African-American parrot taking the witness
stand, beak near the microphone, and boldly testifying against an obviously
morally-challenged white woman. After this groundbreaking testimony, this
courtroom first, the courageous bird will need to be placed into the
witness-protection program. (Tragically, it may now become commonplace for
those about to commit heinous crimes to off any parrots in the vicinity before
proceeding with their plans).
I can
envision a time in the near future when these (low-tech, high maintenance)
parrots are placed in every bank, airport and public space in an effort to aid
prosecutors and deter crime. They may serve the same function as the iconic “black
boxes” on passenger planes. Husbands and wives may hide these birds in private
places of potential spousal philandering.
“I
never cheated on you!”
“Oh
yeah? Tell it to the court!”
“Ladies
and gentleman, the prosecution calls Polly Parrot to the stand.”
“
Polly, what did you hear on that rainy night three months ago?”
“It’s
my husband! He’s coming home! Quick, out the backdoor my lovely Latin lover!”
“Thank
you, Polly. Here’s a cracker. Your honor, the prosecution rests.”