How is climate change affecting fashion?
That was the subject of an article by Miranda Purves of the
New York Times that appeared in various newspapers around the country recently.
The subheading of said article read, “How do retailers stock for the season
when they don’t know the season?” Really? I mean, come on. It’s always cold and
snowy in the northern tier of the U.S. for much of every winter. It’s always
colder in the southern U.S. in the winter than it is in the summer, as well. In
fact, “’tis the season” right now, is it not? Yes, it was a lovely fall in
these parts, but that’s recently come to a screeching halt. Conversely, two of
the latest ice-outs on area lakes in recorded history have taken place in the
past four years. Does that mean that soon the ice will never melt?!
The
article quoted a Brooklyn, N.Y., mother who was sitting on a playground bench
in early November, wearing shearling-lined boots. “I was impatient to wear
these boots, because I love them, but my feet are sweating like crazy,” she
said.
I can’t
imagine the horror. This planet is
doomed! The article continued, chronicling the challenges faced by a literary
agent in the Big Apple. Apparently, he has pulled out all his sweaters, scarves
and heavy trousers for “the intermittent brisk days,” but not yet been able to
put away his summer shorts and “Save Khaki T-shirts.” This has created a space crisis in his Brooklyn
apartment! (When I think of “space crisis”
I think of the space shuttle Challenger, or maybe the song, “Major Tom,” not
somebody who needs a closet organizer. “Essentially I’m running out of
storage,” the agent wrote in an e-mail. “I imagine California Closets is doing
good business thanks to climate change.” Hang in there, brave clothes-horse, we
were told we were running out of oil 40 years ago. Maybe some more storage
space will turn up. Moreover, if we can
find the space in this country to accommodate millions upon millions more
refugees from around the planet, you can probably find a spot in your abode for
another garment or accessory- or two. Then again, you aren’t really talking
about any additional apparel, just
having to deal with cold weather and warm weather gear at the same time. What
did you normally do with your off-season attire? Rent an external storage unit,
or just put them away under the bed? Buck up, book boy, and manage your space
better!
The article
touted the alleged fact that this has been the warmest fall in 25 years. Only the ‘me generation’ and millenials
could think this is a long time. Every
25-year period has a “warmest” fall. And a coldest one. Get over yourselves.
Then there was this: “Indeed, as the United Nations prepares for its
all-too-real climate summit this month, one might fantasize about the eggheads
at MIT devising a new discipline- Fashionology-Climatology?- to explain the
mystifying algorithms where both rapidly changing systems intersect. This just
in: fashion and climate have always changed over time, and, looking back at the
1970’s, it’s a damn good thing they do.
“As
weather-driven shopping becomes
increasingly unpredictable…” the
piece continued.
Stop
it. Now. Right bleeping now, you pathetic
pussies. How would shopping for ‘fashion’ have been affected by previous ice
ages? Or by the rapidly warming periods that followed all prior ice ages, leading
us to where we are now? Or by any number of other natural, unstoppable, cosmic
and Earth events? “When you’re stepping
across rapidly expanding/retreating glaciers, you need really good footwear,
but don’t sacrifice style to substance!”
“Exploring
the La Brea tar pits? Chasing a wooly mammoth? Running away from T-Rex? Upset
that Pangea’s breaking up? You’ll always
feel better when you look good!”
How
fortuitous that the ‘climate summit’ is being held in Paris, the fashion
capital of the world! I’m sure there will be clinics on how to properly
accessorize during a warming climate. You can bet California Closets will be
there to assist attendees in picking proper storage options for their
wardrobes.
Fashion
and climate have always been changing.
Changes
in fashion have been man-caused. Changes in climate have not.