Well, it's the first of October already...the time of year when thoughts turn to pumpkin-flavored beer and Halloween outfits. Stumped about what to wear this year? As a public service, here are some ideas for you and the kiddies:
*Put on a John Boehner mask and go as a weepy invertebrate
*Don an Indianapolis Colts jersey and a Baltimore Ravens helmet and go as an incompetent, whiny, informer
*Dress up as Brian Williams and offer to tell everyone about the time aliens from outer space gave you a ride in their flying saucer
*Get the “Hillary 2016” costume kit (available at stores everywhere, complete with a cloth for ‘wiping’ your server!) and go as the world’s first ‘lie projector.’ Kit comes with Realvoice™ audio package. Press a small button on the back of the facemask and hear Hillary say things like, “I actually hope Vice-President Biden gets in the race,” “I’m sorry I was late, I was pinned down by sniper fire,” and, “I don’t even know how e-mail works, giggle!”
*Wear a nice suit and a bland look on your face and earnestly offer to compromise with- or surrender to- everyone you meet. Go as an establishment Republican.
*If you are a well-built older man, bare your chest, pretend to be tough- but worldly- and threaten to annex your neighbor’s property. Go as Vladimir Putin.
*Procure a speculum, scalpel, game shears and an (almost) dead fetus. Knock on your neighbor’s door and ask them, “Have a heart? I’ve got one here, if you want it! $20. Cold feet? $30 for the pair. Don’t have the stomach for it? Got a spare one for $25.” Go as a Planned Parenthood employee.
*”Good evening Ladies and Bruces,” the Monty Python Troupe used to say. Now you can represent that phrase in the flesh. Go as Caitlynn Jenner!
*Go door-to-door and insist that everyone you meet comes to live in your place. Go as Angela Merkel.
*Put on a swimsuit, parka, sunscreen, sunglasses, galoshes and hold an umbrella. Go as (man-caused, of course!) climate change!
And a bonus suggestion: Put on a suit and drive to each house or party in your diesel Jetta. If people ask about your car’s exhaust, tell them it only emits a light air-freshener and gets 50 miles to the gallon. Go as a Volkswagen executive.