Monday, July 22, 2019

News Items

                                                    News Items

*Joe Biden recently appeared on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” (a show not named for him). The former vice-president and current Democratic front-runner for the 2020 nomination was asked if he was tough enough to stand up to President Trump should he prevail over his Democratic counterparts, a pertinent question given his feeble performance in the first democratic debate. Sleepy Joe replied, “I’d say, ‘C’mon Donald, c’mon man. How many push-ups do you want to do here, pal?’”  Ooh, challenging Trump to a push-up contest! That’s telling off the doubters! That’s firing a shot over The Donald’s bow!

Let’s hope this inspires other candidates to new heights of competitiveness. Who wouldn’t love to see Bernie Sanders challenge Elizabeth Warren to a shot-putting contest? Or Pete Buttigieg challenge Kamala Harris to a game of “Quarters?”

*Replying to President Trump’s recent tweets about radical, young, female, Democratic Congresspersons like Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.), Rep. Alexandria Occasional-Cortex (D-N.Y.) exclaimed that America “belongs to everyone.” If her open-borders policies were implemented, that would literally be true.

What if everyone in the world had the “right” to live in Albania, Peru, Norway, Indonesia, Kenya, Japan, Australia, China, or Iceland?

*The pro-abortion panel at this year’s Netroots Nation conference attempted to demonstrate an abortion onstage-- using a watermelon-- in order to make the case that non-physicians should be allowed to perform them. The annual gathering of progressive activists was moderated by Daily Show co-creator Lizz Winstead, who is also the head of the Abortion Access Front, previously known as the Lady Parts Justice League. (Can’t say ‘lady parts’ anymore. Insufficiently inclusive). Jen Moore, an abortion facility consultant, used a cannula and manual vacuum aspirator to extract the core from a watermelon, with the core supposedly representing a baby and the melon a uterus. One panelist said the demonstration showed that abortion is “not surgery” and is “easy to do,” and thus proved that advanced-practice clinicians, nurse practitioners, and physician’s assistants should be allowed to perform them in addition to OB/GYNs. Why not let janitors sanitation engineers perform abortions, as well? Or a barista? The pizza delivery guy? A bus driver? Uncle Phil?

What happened to liberal’s traditional demands that abortion be taken out of the hands of those unqualified and be made safe and rare?

*A recent study by researchers from Johns Hopkins University, Stony Brook University, the University of California-Berkeley, and the University of California-San Francisco “found the risk of premature birth was higher than expected” among Latinas since President Trump’s election in 2016, according to the Washington Post. Alison Gemmill, the survey’s lead researcher, said the inquiry “follows other studies that suggest a link to Trump.” Trump is responsible for Latina’s premature births? Maybe the little ones are so inspired by the country’s all-time-low rate of Hispanic unemployment that they just can’t wait to get started in life. Or maybe university researchers are full of the stuff that fills a baby’s diapers.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

"We The People Will Fund The Wall"

                Brian Kolfage started a GoFundMe campaign called “We the People Will Fund the Wall.” As of this writing over 20 million dollars has been raised-- from over 350,000 donors—to help fund a wall on the southern border of the United States. That is a little less than $60 per donation. It is “We the People,” not George Soros-level coercion by cash.
                Kolfage’s endeavor spurred Charlotte Clymer, a trans “woman” and leftist activist, to launch a countervailing GoFundMe campaign titled “Ladders to Get Over Trump’s Wall.” Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, I guess, at least according to Newton. However, “her” effort to aid and abet criminals trying to enter the U.S., involving as it does the material help of many others, could well be considered a criminal conspiracy under 18 U.S. Code §371, which refers, in part, to “two or more persons” conspiring to “commit any offense against the United States.”
                But what the hell, no one cares. If Ms. Clymer and Mr. Kolfage had been around a few decades earlier, the former might be raising money to help build the Berlin Wall, while the latter would be trying to help those enslaved by Marxism-Socialism get over, under or through it.
                Clymer is obviously not a big fan of the rule of law. “She” is unlikely to be a big fan of Natural Law, either.
                Governments’ only legitimate purpose is to provide for the common defense, ensure domestic tranquility, and promote the general welfare… of its citizens. Leftists don’t like any of these endeavors, but do believe government should do almost everything else.
                Those such as Clymer don’t want a wall on our border. They want open borders. Moreover, they want to abolish I.C.E. They want to take guns away from law-abiding citizens and then force them to pay for various services for illegal aliens. They don’t much care for the police, often deriding them and calling for them to stay away from certain venues.
                Why stop there, leftists? Let’s abolish fire departments, too. And get rid of first responders, EMTs and ambulances. Hell, let’s also do away with life-guards while we’re at it.
                The result of all this insanity will be utter chaos. At that point, no GoFundMe page will be able to help any of us.

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Bernie Sanders' Campaign Workers Demand $15 An Hour

                “Do as I say, not as I do.”

                That appears to be the message Bernie Sanders, the wizened old commie, has given his own campaign workers. That is not atypical of leftists. In fact, it is closer to a modus operandi.
                In an amusing irony, the Washington Post reports that some members of Sanders’ campaign team have been lobbying to raise their wages so that they can make the same $15 hourly wage rate that the Vermont Senator has so frequently and fervently called for. The Post obtained a draft of a letter the campaign’s union intended to send to Sanders’ campaign manager, Faiz Shakir. The letter stated that the workers “cannot be expected to build the largest grassroots organizing program in American history while making poverty wages. Given our campaign's commitment to fighting for a living wage of at least $15.00 an hour, we believe it is only fair that the campaign would carry through this commitment to its own field team." It added: "Many field staffers are barely managing to survive financially, which is severely impacting our team's productivity and morale. Some field organizers have already left the campaign as a result.” The letter notes that since field organizers are working a minimum of 60 hours a week, their average hourly pay equates to only $13 an hour. Negotiations between the union and Shakir are apparently taking place.
                Reports of the negotiations came after the House of Representatives passed a bill to raise the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour, prompting Sanders to take to Twitter to praise the House for its action.
                Senator Sanders seems to be living in a glass House at the moment.
                (Update: it appears Sanders has decided to grant his campaign workers their $15 an hour request by cutting the number of hours they work).

Friday, July 19, 2019

Pride! Night At The Zoo

                It’s a good bet that when God told Noah to gather up the animals-- two by two-- and take them on the Ark, He was hoping that one of each kind would be a male and the other a female. Otherwise, the whole endeavor would likely have been for naught. None-the-less, the LGBTQIIA+ community would not allow God to get away with this kind of heteronormative, cis-gendered command today. Gayness is celebrated everywhere, all the time. And woe to anyone who isn’t “down” with that.                 
                Even in the animal kingdom. Case in point: The ZSL London Zoo gave itself a thorough “Pride makeover” for its special July 5th “Zoo Night” touting same-sex animal pairings…and all things gay. The zoo issued a press release stating: “On top of Zoo Nights’ packed schedule of activities, visitors will be able to learn about gender and mating in the animal kingdom at a Pride-themed talk, where they’ll discover just how common same-sex pairings are – from penguins and pandas to goats and giraffes.” The release also invited attendees to “score a hole-in-one at the Zoo’s new mini-golf course.” (I bet some of the gay animal couples would also like to score a hole-in-one. Just sayin’).
                 The zoo proudly claims it’s the home of a gay penguin “couple” named Ronnie and Reggie. It even designed a special banner for “Penguin Beach”—home of the allegedly queer penguin pair—in advance of the July 5 extravaganza. The banner read in part: “Next week’s #ZSLZooNights will be getting a #Pride makeover and our #penguins ae joining in on the celebrations! Learn more about our Pride-themed activities at the zoo & how you can join in:  #PrideInLondon #ZooLife@PrideInLondon—ZSL London Zoo.” I don’t want to know how I “can join in.” There is another, smaller banner in the penguins’ habitat that aggressively states: “Some penguins are gay. Get over it.” Note to the ZSL zoo: “I am not. Get over it.” And I don’t advertise how proud I am to be heterosexual. Or spray-paint “Cis Power!” across progressive message boards and banners. Or demand cities grant my kind carte blanche for parade routes. Etc.
                 The zoo claims Ronnie and Reggie first got together in 2014 and adopted an abandoned egg a year later, sharing parenting duties until the chick left the nest. The zoo’s website states that the bond between the two literal lovebirds “remains as strong as ever” and notes that they are “often found snuggled up in their next box together.” What’s more, the zoo says there are other same-sex couples among its 91 other penguin residents.                

                  I bet there are lesbian lynx, gay gophers, bisexual bunnies, transgender turtles and questioning koalas, too. And, it’s no wonder a group of lions is called a PRIDE! What inspirational thoughts!                 
                  Alas, The Telegraph reported on a new study, published in the journal Ethology, that found homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom only amounts to “same sex flirting” until the individuals find a mate. The study, conducted by France’s Centre for Functional and Evolutionary Ecology, found that high levels of testosterone and a relative lack of females in the colony drives “lonely” males into simulated mating displays. One of the study’s authors, Professor F. Stephen Dobson, said that the number of same sex penguin pairs was actually lower than expected. He noted that, when the colony was studied over time, all the “gay” penguins chose a heterosexual partner.    
                  What a downer. 

                  Oh well. We shall overcome.   

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Oreo Cookie Pronoun Packs

                Oreo, the iconic cookie brand, recently partnered with the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) to give away “pronoun packs,” in celebration of those who identify as transgender, at PrideFest/WorldPride in New York City. Oreo took to Twitter to exclaim, “We’re proud to celebrate inclusivity for all gender identities and expressions,” adding that it was “encouraging everybody to share their pronouns with pride today and every day.” Oreo also shared a photograph of the packaging, which featured gender symbols and the message, “Share your pronouns with pride.” The company gave away Oreo-like pins at the event urging people to “Ask me my pronouns.”
                Oreo representatives reinforced the message via a Facebook post saying: “We are proud to support the LGBTQIA+ community, celebrate all forms of identity and encourage inclusivity at WorldPride 2019 and beyond. Oreo is proud to partner with the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) for this activation and will be making a donation to NCTE to further a shared commitment to promote inclusivity, empathy and opportunity for everyone.”
                The pronoun packs consisted of three different sets of cookies, each with pronouns written on the cookies themselves. One set came with “she/her” on the cookies, one with “he/him,” and an extra-special one with “they/them.” These new super-woke biscuits came in pink, blue and purple packaging, mimicking the transgender flag. Some folks were so excited about the pronoun packs, they queried Nabisco (Oreo’s parent company) as to where they could be purchased. Alas, the company had to inform them that the remarkably inclusive baked goods were only available at PrideFest, though it did point out that it would “continue to offer new products that respond to the preferences of our customers.” I can’t wait for the “polyamory pack” and the “bestiality bag” to come out!
                Some reactionary sticks-in-the-mud weren’t supportive of Oreo’s fantastically virtue-signaling marketing campaign. One tweeted: “Just stick with making cookies! Good grief! Not everything has to have a message!” (Well, actually, that’s not true anymore). Another remarked: “Can we have some for schizophrenia and depression? Since we’re catering to mental health issues now.” Yet another noted: “Fun fact: Archaeologists can only determine whether skeletal remains are male or female.”
                And, much like Oreos, that is black and white. Sorry, progressives, that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Mascot Madness

                Universities across the ever-fruitier plain are changing their team names and mascots in a doomed attempt to avoid offending those “wokest” of progressives who are steadfastly determined to be offended by virtually everything. Native American mascots have been disappearing faster than moderates in the Democratic Party. The North Dakota “Fighting Sioux” became the North Dakota “Fighting Hawks,” for example. The latter nickname just doesn’t sound right, doesn’t convey the same feel. Stanford morphed from the “Indians” to the “Cardinal.” Miami University went from the “Redskins” to the “Redhawks.” (Why is it Hawks seem to replace Indians)? Wright State used to be represented by “Rowdy Raider,” a red-bearded Viking. The pillaging and plundering Norseman has been replaced by a wolf, who, apparently, is not as intimidating or macho. More recently, students at George Washington University have seen to the demise of that school’s mascot, “George the Colonial.” Apparently, the obvious depiction of the great Revolutionary War general, first president and Father of His Country was deemed insufficiently inclusive and possibly hurtful to African-Americans. It’s just a matter of time before the university itself is fundamentally transformed from George Washington University to “Barack Obama University.”
                Campus Reform’s Cabot Phillips traveled to the University of Miami to see just how far students are willing to take the mascot reform movement. Phillips carried a petition and a letter to the school’s administrators to the campus. The letter outlined his deep concern that the college teams’ nickname, (the) “Hurricanes,” could be scary and offensive to some students. When he asked students to support his petition to do away with the name, many jumped at the chance.
                When asked to sign the petition, one student remarked: “It’s not a huge deal, but it’s something, and it’ll make a difference.” In what? One thanked Phillips and said, “I totally get this. I think it’s super respectful.” And one stated, “Awesome! Good for you.” Another opined, “There’s gonna be people who have PTSD and this could f—k them up.” Say what? How? (“Hurricanes” could eff them up-- or getting rid of “Hurricanes” could eff them up)? Yet another simply exclaimed: “F—k yeah!”

Stick it to the man! Or something.

I did some research, as I am wont to do, and uncovered other potentially offensive mascots and/or team names. If we are to ban “Hurricanes,” we must obviously ban “Cyclones,” too. As in the Iowa State Cyclones. The university of Mississippi is referred to as “Ole Miss.” This is problematic enough without even considering the nickname “Rebels.” As in those who fought for the Confederacy. The school should immediately be forced to change its name to the “Resistance,” in honor of those bravely fighting back against President Donald Trump and his strong-armed attempts to make America Great Again. Alabama should henceforth be prevented from calling itself the “Crimson Tide,” no matter how many national championships it can claim. The red tide found off the state’s Gulf shores is a tragic reminder of man’s blatant disregard for the planet’s fragile ecosystems, not something of which to be proud. The University of Virginia’s use of the nickname “Cavaliers” is another egregious example of the white, Christian, ableist patriarchy reigning roughshod over the marginalized. Look up “Cavaliers” in any dictionary and you will find these definitions: 1) “supporters of King Charles I in the English Civil War.” 2) “Man of arms.” 3) “Not considering other people’s feelings or safety.” See what I mean?
The University of Georgia should rid itself of its bulldog mascot in favor of a bulldyke mascot, a moniker much better suited to the times. And, can anyone tell me why Notre Dame is still allowed to call its sports teams (and players) the “Fighting Irish?” After all, the “Fighting Sioux” was forcibly retired. Would anyone countenance, say, the “Fighting Germans” or the “Fighting Iranians?”
On the other hand, at least one school has a name befitting the times, a name that speaks to Millennial Humanists: The University of Southern California Trojans. Thank you, USC! The nickname Trojans is an important reminder that one should always wear protection. Particularly when playing the Beavers of Oregon State, as they do nearly every year, and especially when pushing deep into Beaver territory.
But I digress.
What we really need to see is a university completely throwing off the shackles of tradition and conformity. There is no law stipulating that a school’s sports teams must be named after a fierce animal or a group of humans known for their martial spirit. Why not the Pittsburgh Pangenders, the Iowa Intersectionalists, the Minnesota Golden Gayboys, the Alabama Crimson PRIDE!,  or the California Queer?

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Boston Refuses To Fly Christian Flag

                 The city of Boston, the home of Faneuil Hall, Bunker Hill, Paul Revere, and the U.S.S. Constitution, is being sued for religious discrimination for refusing to fly a Christian flag—for one hour-- as part of Constitution Day observances on September 17th, 2017. The director of Camp Constitution, Hal Shurtleff, had asked the city to fly the inter-denominational symbol for 60 minutes to mark the 230th anniversary of the ratification of the Constitution of the United States of America, the preeminent document in the history of world governance. The modern-day Beantown Bureaucracy flatly refused, saying no non-secular flags could be flown, so Shurtleff recently filed a federal lawsuit, claiming the city’s act was unconstitutional, and in contravention to the First Amendment’s Free Exercise Clause. The event was to feature pastors encouraging racial reconciliation and to celebrate freedom and the Christian heritage of the United States, culminating in the presentation of the “Christian” flag. It was cancelled after the city rejected the request to fly the flag for 1/24th of one day.
                Matthew Staver, founder and chairman of Liberty Counsel, a religious freedom law firm representing Shurtleff, issued a statement saying: “Censoring religious viewpoints in a public forum where secular viewpoints are permitted violates the First Amendment. Boston city officials may not ban the Christian flag as part of a privately sponsored event when they allow any other flag by numerous private organizations. It’s time for the court to stop the city’s unconstitutional censorship.” Quite.
                Boston has permitted almost every other flag in existence—284 at last count…literally-- to be proudly raised on its city hall flagpoles. The suit claims that the Turkish flag—sporting the Islamic star and crescent—has flown from city hall flagpoles on 13 separate occasions just since 2005. The city flew the Chinese Communist flag to commemorate the anniversary of the Chinese Communist revolution. It has allowed the Cuban flag to grace its flagpoles. LGBTQ and transgender flags have also been raised above city property, flapping gaily in the Beantown breeze, without legal challenge. But a Christian flag? Well, that’s beyond the pale.
                In today’s perverted, inverted America, freak flags fly high. Red communist flags are fine, too. But Christian flags? They trigger the raising of a red flag of a different sort, one not sanctioned by coastal elite “public servants.” The merest hint of the nation’s Christian heritage sends Deep State Swamp Creatures into paroxysms of revulsion, hatred and anger.
                Boston was once the scene of a revolution that inspired the world. It is now a sad reminder of our…devolution.
    It is almost enough to make one wave a white flag in surrender. But we owe it to ourselves and those yet to come to find the spirit, courage and character that the founders possessed. We must shake off our malaise-- and overweening desire to be seen as unjudgementally hyper-tolerant-- and do all in our power to usher in a new birth of freedom. With liberty and justice for all. Including Christians.

Monday, July 15, 2019

U.S. Army War College Disinvites Speaker Critical Of Islam

                 The United States Army War College recently disinvited Raymond Ibrahim, a scholar and clear-eyed observer of Islam, from a speaking event at the Pennsylvania-based school that trains senior military officers and civilians. A spokesperson for the school claims the event is just postponed while officials attempt to locate another speaker who would “counterbalance” Ibrahim’s talk, according to The College Fix. The decision to pull the rug out from under Ibrahim, a Coptic Christian from Egypt whose family has faced persecution, was made after the Center on American Islamic Relations (CAIR) strongly urged the college to do so. Ibrahim was scheduled to give a lecture on June 19th, on themes from his latest book, Sword and Scimitar: Fourteen Centuries of War Between Islam and the West.
                 “CAIR,” an absurdly offensive acronym to anyone aware of its actions, is an Islamist organization that has long been linked to terrorist activities. Several U.S. allies consider it a “terrorist organization” in its own right and some of its board members and staff have been accused of terrorism. The U.S. considers CAIR an “unindicted co-conspirator and/or joint venturer” with Hamas. CAIR almost never denounces the sponsors of Hamas and Hezbollah, or the two terrorist groups themselves.
                 The public affairs director of the National Association of Scholars, Glenn Ricketts, told The College Fix via email: “For me, the disinvitation illustrates the depth to which political correctness and the outrage/grievance industry have saturated American educational and corporate institutions, with no apparent thought of the injustice done, the negative influence on the morale of the institution or, in this case, to the training of future defenders and military strategists. Good PR in the short term seems to me the paramount consideration.” No doubt. He added: “NAS will be following this closely, and we certainly hope that the Army War College will reconsider this monumentally bad decision. Perhaps it will recall that its mission is to train warriors, not social activists.” Good luck with that wish, Glenn.
                 If the U.S. military is so willing to lay down and capitulate to a single foreign-focused and supported entity such as CAIR, the end is indeed nigh. If politically correct bullshit and lies can induce it to change its plans and agenda, the proverbial jig is up. If the United States Army War College ceases fighting for American values such as free speech, who will?
                 Imagine if the U.S. Army War College, founded in 1901, had disinvited a speaker critical of Germany’s actions in the lead up to World War II…because of pressure from the Nazis or the Waffen SS. Imagine if the Air Force Academy disinvited a speaker who wished to give a lecture on the Cold War machinations of the Soviet Union due to pressure from the KGB. Or if the Naval Academy was persuaded not to allow a speech by an expert on North Vietnam at the behest of the Viet Cong. What if speeches by Samuel Adams, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, et. al., had been nixed in Colonial times because the British didn’t want to hear them?
The War College’s decision was insane. You can’t win a real war if you won’t even fight a cultural one.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Pride In America Tanks As Gay PRIDE! Soars

                The percentage of Americans who say they are “extremely” proud of their country is the lowest on record…since Gallup’s first measurement in 2001. Last year, 47% of U.S. adults surveyed said they were extremely proud to be an American. This year that figure dropped to 45%. The number has been steadily dropping in recent years, and this year’s reading, from a Gallup poll conducted June 3rd thru 16th, is the lowest ever. The highest percentages of those surveyed saying they were extremely proud to be an American, 69% and 70%, came in the two years following the 9/11 terrorist attacks when the public rallied around the government and the flag.
                Democrats, whose pride in the United States has historically been lower than Republicans, have driven the recent decline in patriotism. Only 22% of Democrats polled said they were extremely proud of America, the lowest such result ever, and just half as many as in the months prior to Donald Trump’s 2016 election victory. Democrat’s pride in their nation fluctuates much more than does Republican’s, increasing when one of their own is in office, and decreasing dramatically when a member of the opposing party occupies the Oval Office. By contrast, Republican’s pride in their country never fell below 68%, even when Barack Hussein Obama was president. As might be expected, Independents fell between those in the two major parties in this survey, with 41% saying they were extremely proud to be Americans.
                A mere 32% of all those polled admitted to being very proud of America’s political system, while only 37% felt likewise about its healthcare and welfare programs. Yet 85% purported to be proud of American culture and arts, a clear sign to me that most people perceive things ass-backwards while looking thru the wrong end of a telescope.
                Various subgroups of the Democratic constituency expressed even lower levels of pride in the U.S. than their peers…women, progressives, and younger adults among them.
                The precipitous decline in American patriotism is, of course, a direct result of a number of factors. Among them are the virtually total control progressives and leftists have on American Academia, mainstream media, the “entertainment” industry, mainline churches, the giant social media and tech companies, and corporate boardrooms in general, among other entities.
                There exists another factor, as well. Progressives have been largely successful in their insistence that identity politics must take precedence over assimilation and the “melting pot,” particularly with regard to the LGBTQIA+ community. These groups are now so proud—so extremely PROUD!—so damn incredibly PROUD!—of their own particular proclivities and perversions, that they have no more room left to be proud to be an American…or anything else.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Miley Cyrus Won't Procreate Because Of Global Warming

                Miley Cyrus recently released a video for her new feminist “fight song,” called “Mother’s Daughter,” in which she struts around in a vagina catsuit and sings “don’t f*ck with my freedom.” (The suit makes her look like nothing so much as a large, red Penis Flytrap). The pop star and Planned Parenthood propagandist also recently announced that she won’t reproduce due to global warming.
                A grateful world breathed a sigh of relief.
                The ditzy diva said of the Earth: “We just take and take and expect it to keep producing. And it’s exhausted. It can’t produce. We’re getting handed a piece-of-shit planet, and I refuse to hand that down to my child. Until I feel like my kid would live on an earth with fish in the water, I’m not bringing in another person to deal with that.” Say what? So, you’re not “handing down” this “piece-of-shit” planet to your child? Well, good for you, but Africans, Middle-Easterners, South Americans and Asians are handing this Hell-hole down to their children like their lives depended on it. And, Miley, there are fish in the water. All over the world. Just not in your chlorinated, vagina-shaped pool in Franklin, Tennessee, you ignorant skank.
Then the oddball offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus and Letitia Finley decided the Earth identifies as female, stating: “When she’s angry, don’t f*ck with her. That’s the way that I feel women are like right now. The earth is angry.” (Maybe Mother Earth shouldn’t have reproduced so effectively all these years. Maybe she wouldn’t be so tired now if she had used protection). Ms. Cyrus added, “We’ve been doing the same thing to the earth that we do to women.” Really? Giving her subsidized abortions? Taking her to Macey’s to go shopping? Plying her with alcohol? Telling her that her butt doesn’t look too big? 
Cyrus claims that most Millennials feel the same way she does about (not) having babies. “We don’t want to reproduce because we know that the earth can’t handle it,” she said. I picture her staring at the Earth and bellowing, “You can’t handle my youth!” ala Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men.” (A movie title which probably wouldn’t be allowed today).
The erstwhile Hannah Montana cast member has expounded on her sexuality and her marriage to actor Liam Hemsworth in recent days, as well. She noted: “I like the way being sexual makes me feel, but I’m never performing for men. They shouldn’t compliment themselves to think that the decisions I’m making in my career would have anything to do with them getting pleasure.” She’s an American treasure, isn’t she?
Cyrus admitted, “I think it’s very confusing to people that I’m married.” (It certainly baffles me). She explained: “But my relationship is unique. And I don’t know that I would ever publicly allow people in there because it’s so complex, and modern, and new that I don’t think we’re in a place where people would get it. I mean, do people really think that I’m at home in a f*cking apron cooking dinner?”
Probably not.
She added: “I’m in a hetero relationship, but I still am very sexually attracted to women. People become vegetarian for health reasons, but bacon is still f*cking good, and I know that.”
 Is she comparing women’s bodies to pig meat? Oh well, leftists aren’t known for their intellect.
Maybe Billy Ray and Letitia should’ve visited Planned Parenthood before having Miley. Before she f*cked with their freedom.

Had they done so, there wouldn’t have been a “Mother’s Daughter.”

Friday, July 12, 2019

California Courts Illegal Aliens

            California has approved a new budget expanding Medi-Cal coverage to illegal immigrants up to the age of 26. This will cost the state hundreds of millions of dollars, even without factoring in the costs created by the obvious incentive the program will create for illegals to move to California. Moreover, the formerly Golden State is bringing back the individual mandate, in part to fund the Medi-Cal expansion for non-residents of California.
This means that residents of the state who don’t want to-- or need to—buy health insurance, as well as those who can’t afford it, will have their money confiscated by the government to provide health care to illegal aliens. This is just another mind-boggling middle finger Democrats have thrust in the face of actual American citizens.
Meanwhile, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke (I wrote that with a straight face!) made a campaign stop in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, recently, where he glad-handed asylum-seekers from Central America and listened to them bitch about U.S. immigration policies. The ex-Texas congressman participated in a sit-down with people housed in a migrant shelter and listened attentively as they complained about being denied entry into the U.S. until their asylum claims have been processed. He took to Facebook following the meeting, posting the stories of a few of those with whom he met. According to the Associated Press, O’Rourke said via livestream video, “We hope, by sharing these stories, that the conscience of our country is awoken right now, and the need to change the policies that we have in place becomes apparent.” He added, “We must end the Remain in Mexico policy, end metering, end family separation, and end the detention of those who pose absolutely no threat. But we must go far beyond that and fix the entire system.”
Illegal immigrants certainly pose absolutely no threat to progressives’ hold on power, but, no matter how well-intentioned they might be, they do pose an existential long-term threat to the nation, particularly if existing citizens have to pay for their health care, etc.  This was the second time O’Rourke has met with migrants in Ciudad Juarez. He went there in December, prior to announcing his candidacy for president. During that visit, he told a group of Guatemalans, “We’re here to understand your story and to see how we can help you seek asylum in our country.”
Where is O’Rourke going to “campaign” next, Honduras? Somalia? There are many places in America that he hasn’t visited, even once. This is yet another example of the disdain Democrats have for the citizens of their own country, especially those denizens of the Heartland that dare to differ with their “progressive” policy prescriptions and proscriptions. (As was O’Rourke’s choice of the Spanish language to answer a question posed to him during the recent democratic debates).
If today’s crop of Democrats have their way, virtually anyone and everyone in the world would be encouraged to circumvent the law and migrate to America. “Come for the free health care, stay for the income redistribution!” That is, self-evidently, a recipe for utter collapse.
O’Rourke and his fellow presidential candidates believe in the “right” to kill our unborn citizens. They dismiss those with whom they disagree as racists, bigots and xenophobes. All while luring illegal aliens across the border with our tax money. And they have the nerve to fret about our consciences?!
I propose a new trade agreement with Mexico: the U.S. would give them Beto O’Rourke and Mexico would give the U.S. a burro. That would be a “fair trade.” One ass for another.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Minnesota Millionaire Exposes Food Stamp Fraud

                 Rob Undersander is a retired engineer who has a seven-figure retirement fund and other notable assets. Since he is retired, however, he has no actual “income.” Several years ago, he noticed that income was the only criterion for receiving food stamps in his home state of Minnesota, also known as “Moneysota” to the many that come there seeking government benefits. Disturbed that the eligibility guidelines might be too lax and easily exploited, he decided to apply for the Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program (SNAP) benefits, or food stamps, to determine if asset millionaires such as himself could obtain them. They can-- and he did.
                Undersander recently told the Washington Free Beacon: "I've got the [SNAP] form in my hand and I'm thinking of my financial situation, and I said, ‘you know, I just can't believe this.' So, I went down to the second floor of the Sterns County Courthouse, stood in line a little bit, handed in the application and three weeks later I'm getting food stamps, a balance on my EBT card."
                Undersander stated, "I was honestly hoping it [the application] would be denied." Since it wasn’t, and his hypothesis proved correct, he says he carefully tracked all the monies he received from the program and donated it to local charities to benefit the needy.
                This was not enough to mollify Democrats in a House agricultural subcommittee, however, who savaged Undersander for his actions. (Although not invited to testify, Undersander was in attendance at the June 20th subcommittee meeting ostensibly held to look at “broad-based categorical eligibility” for benefits like SNAP. In reality, the hearings were held because Democrats are nervous about possible rule changes that the Trump administration may soon mandate…changes that would tighten the program’s eligibility and distribution requirements).
   Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass.): "And let me just also say for the record, I think if someone intentionally defrauds the federal government, they ought to go to jail.”
                 Undersander says everything he did was completely legal, since he didn’t falsify any part of his application. He stated: "When I filled out that form, I used an abundance of honesty and caution.”
                 As Rep. Mike Conway (R-Tex.) correctly noted: "Mr. Undersander did not break the law, he simply abided by the rules that were in place, so he didn't defraud anybody.”
                 To which Rep. McGovern replied, "He intentionally defrauded the federal government. That is, in my opinion, breaking the law." No, the federal government is a fraud, at least as far as The Swamp is concerned. It intentionally sets programs up in order to defraud productive, law-abiding citizens in fly-over country. And it is the Republicans who have continually argued that the oh-so-loose eligibility requirements attendant to programs like this allow resources to be diverted away from the truly needy.
                 Subcommittee Chairwoman Marcia Fudge (!), a Democrat from Ohio, also scolded Undersander, telling him: “You willfully and maliciously gamed the SNAP. You, an alleged millionaire, used mischaracterizations of your finances to cheat the program. You took benefits meant for the very seniors in Minnesota you served through your volunteer work. And you did this all to continue the right-wing crusade against poor people." A “crusade?” A war on poor people? Virtually the opposite is true.
                 The Foundation for Government Accountability (FGA) estimates that 33 other states are like Minnesota in that they only test income and not assets when it comes to SNAP and similar programs. Governments are keen to get as many people addicted to their largess as possible. Benefits act as a narcotic to most folks. It is no longer religion that is the “opium of the masses,” but government handouts.
                 Undersander wasn’t attempting to defraud the system, he was trying to show how easy it is to do so.

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Charlottesville Declares Independence From Thomas Jefferson

      Charlottesville, Virginia, has declared independence from Thomas Jefferson.
               April 13th, Jefferson’s birthday, will no longer be a holiday in the city considered by many to be Jefferson’s hometown. City officials voted to marginalize the author of the Declaration of Independence, the man who literally changed the world with his mind and pen, in favor of Liberation and Freedom Day, to be observed on March 3rd. The new holiday recognizes the date in 1865 that Union Army forces arrived in Virginia, according to The Washington Times.
               These are tough times for the man who wrote: “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” Last March, students at Hofstra University outside New York City demanded the removal of a Jefferson statue from that school’s campus, while in May, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg went on record as supporting the Indiana Democratic Party’s decision to rename its traditional Jefferson-Jackson Dinner.
                So, what were the causes that impelled Charlottesville to dissolve the political bands connecting it to Thomas Jefferson? The fact that he owned slaves, of course, as many did—around the world—at the time. The facts that he spoke out against the institution in general and that his words have helped free millions-- if not billions-- of people since The Declaration were not taken into consideration. The desire to relegate Jefferson to the ash-heap of history has grown steadily amongst progressives over the last several years. It is now approaching a fever pitch. In days of yore, Democrats proudly asserted that Jefferson was the First Democrat, the founder of their party, an egalitarian genius who was the driving force behind the American Colonies’ decision to sever the chains of their bondage to Not-so-jolly-old England. (The Democrats claim to Jefferson was always absurd, at least insofar as Jefferson’s biggest fear was of a massive federal government. He was essentially okay with the Articles of Confederation, and was desperately afraid of a large, centralized government that could take power away from the states—or the people).
                On April 29th, 1962, at a dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners, then President Kennedy said: “I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”
                Jefferson wrote the most consequential and uplifting words strung together since the time of Christ: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” With this proclamation, and the passage of time, much of a planet was freed. Without these words, men and women can possess only the worth that others, or government, “grant” them.
                Against all odds, the Founders declared—and won—independence from Britain. Against all reason, leftists have declared their independence from—and loathing of—the United States.
                Jefferson once stated: “I have sworn, upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.” If he were alive today, he would detest the party who once claimed him as their own. And its Orwellian assault on free speech…and independent thought.
                Incredibly, Jefferson, the nation’s third president, died on July 4th, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. Even more preposterously, so did America’s second president, John Adams. They were the only two presidents to sign the Declaration. Care to figure the odds?
                Adams died first, but before he passed, he exclaimed: “Jefferson lives!” Perhaps he meant that Jefferson’s idea lived on in the form of the United States of America, the only country in the history of the world that was defined at its birth.
                Would that he were right.

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

PETA Demands Town Change Street Name

                Why did PETA cross Chicken Dinner Road? To get its name changed, of course. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (but not human babies!) sent a letter to Caldwell, Idaho, Mayor Garret Nancolas asking him to change the street name of what’s currently known as Chicken Dinner Road, located in rural Canyon County. The letter, from PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman, stated: “Just like dogs, cats, and human beings, chickens feel pain and fear and value their own lives.” Ms. Reiman implored the mayor to change the name of the road to “one that celebrates chickens as individuals, not as beings to kill, chop up, and label as ‘dinner.’” She opined that changing the name of the road would show compassion to chickens and respect for other species, adding that words matter and “have the power to change lives.”
                It’s a weird world we live in now, one in which leftists treat people primarily as members of identity groups whose rights-- or lack thereof-- come from government, yet believe in the individuality and Creator-granted rights of fowl.
                As of this writing, there was no word if the mayor intended to respond to PETA. Joe Decker, a spokesman for Canyon County, said the county has heard from a number of residents who don’t want the name to be changed. Decker noted that, “It would require a public hearing and we would have to notify all property owners having frontage on the affected road at least 30 days before the public hearing. An application and fee are also required for an unincorporated county road name change.”
                The road got its name from a chicken dinner Laura Lamb prepared for then-Governor C. Ben Ross, a family friend, back in the 1930s. The road was apparently badly rutted at the time, and Lamb asked the governor his opinion of the rough road he had travelled to reach her home. Ross informed Lamb that if she could get the county to grade the road, he’d get it “oiled,” which would seal in the dust and act as a waterproof barrier. Lamb was successful in persuading the county to grade the road, and Ross was true to his word. 
                Legend has it that the street name first appeared when Lamb had cardboard signs reading “chicken dinner” placed along the route to direct the governor to his supper. Once the road was oiled, pranksters purportedly wrote “Lamb’s Chicken Dinner Avenue” on the fresh surface…in bright yellow letters. The name stuck.
                Reports note that if the name of the road was ever changed, it would have unintended consequences for various area entities. For example, Huston Vineyards is located just off Chicken Dinner Road, and utilizes the name via its “Chicken Dinner” wine series. The vineyard’s website notes: “The naming of our Chicken Dinner wines celebrates and plays off a classic Idaho tale-- the story behind one of the most curious road names around.” 
                So what if Chicken Dinner Road becomes Hummus Highway, Cauliflower Street, Bulgur Lane or Quinoa Avenue? Who cares if it ends up being renamed Couscous Drive, Tofu Trail or Blueberry Breakfast Boulevard?
                Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

    And that road’s name is PETA Way.

Monday, July 8, 2019

Leftists Crash MasterCard Shareholder's Meeting

                Crazed leftist activists recently crashed a MasterCard shareholder’s meeting, demanding that the company’s board of directors adopt a “human rights committee” dedicated to slandering and blacklisting various Christian and traditional organizations preposterously designated as “hate groups” by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), itself a genuine hate group.
                Nandini Jammi, a representative of the far-left group SumOfUs (get it?), a global advocacy organization dedicated to progressive causes and the defeat of capitalism, accused the board of “doing business with criminals.” Jammi demanded that shareholders and board members support Proposal Five, which urges directors to create a human rights committee. Jammi also claimed that 127,000 have signed a petition calling on Mastercard to stop processing payments for “far-right hate groups.” Jammi declared: “Thanks to your financial partners, you are open for business with criminals.”
                SumOfUs’s “blood money” campaign pressures U.S. financial companies to refuse to do business with entities that SPLC deems “far-right” and/or “extreme.” Tragically, SPLC’s blacklisting of an organization “is a financial and repetitional death sentence, effectively equating organizations to the KKK,” according to Meghan Meier, a lawyer who defended a victim of SPLC’s “hate” designation.
   What monstrously evil entities does SumOfUs wish to see cut off from bank transactions, effectively rendering them impotent? What kinds of groups has SPLC deemed “extreme,” “far-right,” and hateful? Let’s check the list on their website. Let’s see, there’s the Bible Believers Fellowship, Campus Ministry USA, the Center for Family and Human Rights, Christ the King Church, Faith Baptist Church, Family Research Council, Family Research institute…hmmm, sensing a pattern here. Then there is the Traditional Values Coalition, the American College of Pediatricians, the Alliance Defending Freedom, Concerned Christian Citizens, and just about any other Christian or Jewish group in existence. There’s even an entire category described as “Radical traditional Catholicism.” Radical traditional, huh? Who knew that was a thing, let alone an entire category? And, naturally, the US Border Guard is on the despised list, too.
  Note to SumOfUS and the SPLC: some of us on your list are tired of being slandered, lied about, marginalized, discriminated against and made the victims of hate crimes. And some of us aren’t going to take it anymore.

Che Guevara shirts: $80
Spliffs: $200
Genital Piercings: $475
Attacking the capitalist patriarchy: priceless

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Nike Disses Betsy Ross Flag

                “Nike has chosen not to release the Air Max 1 Quick Strike Fourth of July [shoe] as it featured the old version of the American flag,” a spokeswoman for the athletic apparel manufacturer said recently, acquiescing to the fevered wishes of Colin Kaepernick, professional malcontent.
                The patriotic shoe design, which was to be sold in the lead-up to Independence Day, featured a “Betsy Ross” flag with 13 stars arranged in a circle, representing the original 13 colonies/states. Instead, the giant corporation bowed to the desires of one man. Kaepernick, known for his on-field protests while in the NFL, was offended by the flag because of the existence of slavery in the new nation at the time, reported The Washington Post.
                I am offended that Nike didn’t release the shoes. I am also offended by the existence of Colin Kaepernick. The Betsy Ross flag is anything but a symbol of slavery. It adorned the Capitol Building at Barack Obama’s second inauguration in 2013, for crying out loud. But this did not keep Democratic presidential nominee Julian Castro from comparing it to the confederate flag. Nor did it prevent MSNBC guest Michael Dyson from likening it to the Nazi swastika and a burning Ku Klux Klan cross during a recent appearance. Note to ignorant morons: Betsy Ross was a Quaker. And an abolitionist.   
                Nike originally took some heat for signing the controversial former 49er quarterback for a multi-million-dollar marketing campaign, but the company’s sales grew immediately upon the campaign’s airing. When you’re woke, you won’t go broke. (As for me, well, I’ll take a knee).
                The Betsy Ross flag is beautiful, a historic reminder of the men who changed the world, but the Gadsen flag is the banner we really need for these troubled times. Those of us who aren’t leftist, would-be totalitarians need to take its message to heart…and exemplify it every day: “Don’t tread on me.” The Founders didn’t buckle to the greatest military power on earth, let alone one entitled moron. (If the shoe fits).
                Note to Nike (since it seems so susceptible to one person’s whims): In the future, when a provocateur to which you are paying a king’s ransom demands you do something stupid…

                Just Don’t Do It. ü  

Saturday, July 6, 2019

U.S. Women's Soccer Team Beclowns Itself

                I wanted to root for the U.S. women’s soccer team in the World Cup. I really did. But it has proven nearly impossible to do so. From the excessive celebrations to generally deplorable behavior, it has not basked itself in glory.
                The team beat Thailand 13-0 in its Cup opener, and celebrated the 8th, 9th and tenth goals just as lavishly as it did its first and second goals. I don’t believe in lying down or even taking it a bit easy in situations like that, because that is more embarrassing for the opposing squad, but engaging in wild celebrations when your squad is up by 6 or 8-- or 10-- goals is simply unprofessional and undignified. Period. More recently, in a game against England, Alex Morgan celebrated a goal by pretending to sip a cup of tea. What is gained by mocking the English custom of Tea-Time after your team scores a goal in a tight contest?
                Morgan was taken aback at the criticism she and her teammates have received over their celebratory actions. She believes the criticism is due to rank misogyny. According to The Guardian, she said: “I feel that there is some sort of double standard for females in sports to feel like we, you know, have to be humble in our successes and have to celebrate but not too much and have to do something, but it always has to be in a limited fashion. You see men celebrating all around the world in big tournaments, grabbing their sacks or whatever it is and when I look at sipping a cup of tea, I’m a little taken aback and kind of…you have to laugh about it, to see all the criticism.” I feel like, you know, it disgusts me when guys grab themselves after making a basket or scoring a goal. But that gesture just makes themselves look ridiculous, it doesn’t insult another nation’s culture. And, Morgan, if you want to be treated like a man, take it like one. (Speaking of which, in 2017 the U.S. Women’s National Team lost a scrimmage to the FC Dallas under-15 boys’ team).
                Morgan claims the stunt (tea sipping) had nothing to do with English culture. “My celebration was actually more about ‘that’s the tea,’ which is telling a story. You know, spreading the news. So it wasn’t a hit to England in any way.” It was about “spreading the news?!” Right. Now tell us the one about the three bears.
                The women’s World Cup final takes place Sunday, July 7th. The United States will play the Netherlands. When asked if her team would make the traditional visit to the White House if it won the FIFA Women’s Cup, midfielder and team leader Megan Rapinoe said that she’s “not going to the f**king White House.” Pure class.

                Start “spreading the news.” I am leaving today. I want no more part of it, you dorks, you dorks.

Friday, July 5, 2019

Senator Cory Booker, Aspiring Coyote

                “Today @CoryBooker crossed the U.S. border from Juarez to El Paso, to help escort 5 asylum-seekers and try to prevent them from being sent back to Mexico.”
                So read the recent tweet from Sabrina Singh, national press secretary for the Booker campaign, who added, “Out of concern for the asylum-seekers safety, we did not make this event public until now.” How noble.
                Singh continued: “Cory was able to observe the crossing, interactions with federal immigration authorities, and see the disastrous impact of President Trump’s cruel immigration policy.” Could she see the staggeringly detrimental affects of unlimited, unregulated immigration on America and its citizens?
                Booker told reporters he believed the quintet’s asylum claims were legitimate, due to their fears of violence. So, a U.S. presidential candidate sneaks illegal aliens into his country in open defiance of his nation’s immigration policies and the edict of the its current president, and then uses the action to illustrate his woke-ness and compassion? Staging an illegal border incursion for your personal virtue-signaling gain is a bizarre campaign ploy. Booker should be in jail for aiding and abetting a crime, if not for outright treason. (Though, to be fair, the Senator is prone to grandiose visions of himself and may believe his actions in illegally delivering migrants across the Rio Grande were akin to Washington crossing the Delaware in defense of his young country).
                First, Beto O’Rourke campaigns in Mexico. For the 2020 U.S. presidential election. Now “Spartacus” Booker acts as a “coyote” by sneaking a group of illegals across the border. What’s next? Will Elizabeth Warren be assisting sex-traffickers? Will Julian Castro volunteer to drive trucks laden with opioids, marijuana and cocaine across the border? And have his press secretary send out virtue-signaling tweets about his exploits once he’s safely across?
   “Today @JulianCastro crossed the U.S. border from Chula Vista to Nogales, to help escort numerous kilos of vulnerable undocumented narcotics and try to prevent them from being sent back to Mexico. Out of concern for the drugs’ safety, we did not make this event public until now. Julian was able to see the disastrous impact of President Trump’s cruel anti-drug policy that deprives needy addicts of the peace and contentment they so richly deserve.”
  It’s a good thing Rep. (D-Minn.) Ilhan Omar isn’t running for president. “Today @IlhanOmar crossed the U.S. border from Juarez to El Paso, to help escort two ISIS cells and try to prevent them from being sent back to Mexico…” Maybe in 2028.
 Democrats are just that crazy.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Democrats Debate In Detroit: Round Two!

Second Round, Democratic Debates
CNN Hosting/Moderating
July 30 & 31, 2019
Detroit, Michigan

Anderson Cooper: “Good evening and welcome to the second Democratic Presidential Debate. I’m Anderson Cooper, and I’m joined tonight by Chris Cuomo, Brian Stelter, Don Lemon and Poppy Harlow. We thought that, since there are so many outstanding Democratic candidates on the stage tonight, we’d have more than the usual number of outstanding moderators asking them questions, as well. Lot’s to get to, so—"

Chris Cuomo: “LET’S GET AFTER IT!!”

Cooper: (Glares at Cuomo) “Chris, let me start off as agreed, okay?”

Cuomo: (Chastened) “Okay.”

Cooper: “Mr. Biden, let’s start with you. By all accounts, you did not perform well in the first debate. To what do you attribute that, and how are you planning to change that tonight?”

Biden: “Well, uh, Andy, I had some gas last time and it put me off my game a little. And the first thing I’d do as president is make sure we defeat Trump. Thank you.”

Cooper: “We didn’t ask you that this time, sir.”

Cuomo: “Senator Sanders, what do you say to those who feel your proposals would be too costly?”

Sanders: “The rich will be the ones paying and there’s not enough of them to seriously affect the outcome of the election, so who cares?”

Cuomo: “Well stated, sir.”

Brian Stelter: “Mayor de Blasio, how do you answer critics who say that you haven’t governed New York City particularly well, so why should you be given a chance to run the whole country?”

Mayor de Blasio: “The last capitalist we hang shall be the one who sold us the rope!”

Stelter: “Nice thought, Mayor, but first off, that didn’t address the question. Secondly, that is a famous saying of Karl Marx’s.”

De Blasio: “What? I had no idea…”

Don Lemon: “Mayor Buttigieg, over to you now. The Executive Board of the Fraternal Order of Police No. 36—in your own city—has said you’ve politicized the recent police shooting to aid you in your campaign. The Board said your recent statement that “all police work and all of American life takes place in the shadow of racism” is divisive. How are you able to handle such overtly crackpot statements without going ‘ballistic’?”

Mayor Buttigieg: “Sometimes you just have to take the high road and ignore the crazed rants of ultra right-wing Christian extremists, Don. We have an opioid crisis in our country now. And, remember, religion is the opiate of the masses.”

Poppy Harlow: “The last part of your statement, mayor, is a commonly heard paraphrase of something Karl Marx famously said.”

Buttigieg: “It is?”

Harlow: (Sighs) “Yes. Mr. O’Rourke—”

Buttigieg: “I’m gayer than anybody else on this stage and I—"

Senator Gillibrand: “I wanted to be next!”

Harlow: “Well, you’re not, so wait your turn.”

Gillibrand: “Misogynist!”

Cooper: “Oh, for……Mr. O’Rourke, given recent events, would you characterize what’s happening at our southern border as a ‘crisis.’”

Beto O’Rourke: (Starts speaking in Somali) “Waa inaan aqbalnaa xaqiiqda taas—”

Harlow: “What the hell are you speaking?”

O’Rourke: “Somali. There are a lot of Somalis in Michigan and—”

Cooper: “Inclusive. Anyway, Senator Booker, when Mr. O’Rourke started speaking Spanish during the debate on June 27th, you gave him a sideways glance that went viral. Were you surprised by his Spanish speaking ability or the fact that he spoke it? After all, you then answered a question in Spanish your own bad self.”

Senator Booker: “Well, I was surprised because I thought I’d surprise everyone by answering in Spanish, but he beat me to it. That’s why I also translated my Spanish afterwards. I don’t think Beto could have done that, because I don’t think he really knows what he said.”

Stelter: “Senator Warren—”

Senator Warren: “If you all don’t vote for me, you’re sexist…and hate native Americans!”

Stelter: “Understood, but—”

Senator Amy Klobuchar: “Excuse me, but, if you don’t vote for me you must just hate Minnesotans! Especially female Minnesotans!! Misogynist anti-Midwesterners!"

Lemon: “Representative Swalwell, The View’s Meghan McCain accused you of using ‘ageist crap’ to attack Mr. Biden. How do you plead, sir?”

Representative Swalwell: “Well that’s obviously complete bullshit! I don’t have an ageist bone in my body! I swear! Nor am I racist, homophobic, transphobic, atheistophobic, pedophilophobic, or Satanophobic! I swear!”

Lemon: “Believable!”

Cooper: “Mr. Castro, some radical-right, ultra-conservative whack-jobs think that your last name means you might share some of the political views of the late great Cuban leader. What say you to them?”

Julian Castro: “Communism is the riddle of history solved, and it knows itself to be this solution.”

Cooper: “I see you’ve all studied up on Karl Marx.”

Castro: “We should no longer run from the ‘C’ word, meaning communism. The Democratic Party must instead embrace it!”  

Gillibrand: “Nobody asked me, but I would mandate publicly-funded abortions for all living beings,” including horses, cats, dogs, turtles and bugs.”

Harlow: Noted. “Mr. Yang, what are your thoughts on global warming?”

Mr. Yang: “If we don’t act decisively and dramatically, we are toast. Within 12 years, if not before.”

Lemon: “Representative Gabbard, I must say, that is one subversive and sexy streak of gray in your hair.”

Representative Gabbard: “Aww, thank you Donald. I like it. It has served me well lately.”

Cuomo: “Governor Inslee, how would you make dumb-ass Americans in fly-over country internalize the existential threat that is global warming?”

Governor Inslee: “Eff ‘em, they’re too stupid to understand. We have to progress without them.”

Cuomo: “Right on, brother!”

Stelter: “Senator Harris, you were widely praised for your performance in the first debate. And people donated millions of dollars to your campaign in just the 24 hours following the debate. Will this hurt your credibility as a member of a marginalized group?”

Senator Harris: “No. I am a woman. And a person of color. I am, in fact, a woman of color. As such, I’m the victim of deep-rooted, systemic racism and misogyny. If I don’t win, it’s only because I’m a woman. And colored.”

Booker: “I’m more colored than you are, Kamala!”

Mayor Buttigigieg: “But you’re not as gay as I am!”

Booker: “I could be. Maybe I just haven’t come out of the closet, yet!”

Buttigieg: “Coward!”

Mr. Yang: “If I don’t win, it’s because people are jealous of Asians!”

Gillibrand: “Jeg er kvinne, hører meg brøl!”

Harlow: “Now what? Senator Gillibrand, what language are you speaking? And why?”

Gillibrand: “Norwegian. I said, ‘I am woman, hear me roar!’ Trying to be inclusive. Speaking of which, I believe there should be no wall and no border. Everyone in the world should be welcomed here with open arms and open wallets! That’s inclusive. And Christian—er, I mean compassionate. I propose cradle to grave care and unlimited free things for every undocumented non-citizen and their families. And friends. And pets.”

Harlow: “Nice. Senator Sanders, closing thoughts?”

Sanders: “Kill all the rich people. Break up their cars and apartments. Bring the revolution home. Kill your parents. That’s where it’s really at.”

Harlow: “That’s a Bill Ayers slogan.”

Sanders: “It is? Obama’s mentor?”

Harlow: “Yes.”

Sanders: “I thought I just made it up. It kinda just popped into my head.”

Swalwell: (smirks) “He’s old and senile!”

Sanders: “See! He is ageist!”

(Biden appears to be napping/comatose)

Cooper: “Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. Stay tuned for a very special edition of ‘The Lead’ with Jake Tapper.”