San Diego Lifts Ban On Founding Fathers

                 It is once again permitted to use the phrase “Founding Fathers” in the city of San Diego. This stunning turn of events came to pass when the city’s mayor, Kevin Faulconer, responded to pressure from a conservative legal group by tweaking guidelines in the city’s correspondence manual. The Pacific Legal Foundation had questioned those guidelines which asked that employees not refer to the nation’s “Founding Fathers” to avoid gender bias. The guidelines called for use of the phrase “Founders” instead.

                This is a rare win for history and sanity, completely against the tide. Around the nation more and more statues and monuments are being removed from public spaces, more and more names, phrases, words and history banned from public institutions…all sacrificed in the name of political-correctness. Progressives couch this all-out assault on history, sanity, tradition, cultural remembrance and cohesion in terms of “inclusiveness” and the desire not to risk “offending anyone.” Yet, removing a statue, name or phrase doesn’t include anyone. Moreover, the very act of doing so offends many, and they know it. They don’t really care about offending anyone per se’, they care about who they are offending. Real progressives simply disdain some groups, the wealthy for example. In addition, they read the demographic writing on the wall, and don’t worry about offending certain groups that they believe will be essentially powerless in the future, such as small-government conservatives, strict-constructionists, evangelical Christians, etc., etc.

                As a public service (hey, it’s what I do!), here are some uses of the word “father” that are impolitic going forward, as well as suggested alternatives:

*”Not your father’s…” (Buick, music, etc.) will now be “Not your parent’s…”

*”Like father, like son” morphs into, “like gender-neutral caregiver, like gender-neutral offspring.”

*”Father Christmas” is intolerable on multiple levels. Henceforth “Parental Winter Holiday” will be used.

*”Fatherhood becomes “sirehood” or, more properly, “Co- parental unithood.”

*”Fatherland.” Should use “Motherland” instead.

*”Experience is the father of wisdom” becomes “Experience is the progenitor of wisdom.”

*”Father’s Day.” Will not be celebrated anymore as it is potentially offensive and hurtful to those who don’t have kids, don’t know who their ostensibly male co-parent is, or who have 2- or more- mothers. Therefore this term won’t be needed.

*”Father of his country.” Usually used to refer to George Washington, its use is also discouraged, as he was an old white guy who owned slaves. If must be used, suggest “Initiator of his country.”

*”Father time.” “Creator of time” had been approved as a substitute, but is now considered offensive to atheists. “Inventor of time” or “Time starter” may be used.

*”Grandfather clock” slides neatly into “Progenitorsoriginator clock.”

                You’re welcome.