Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Third Democratic Debate: Hear It Here First...Now!

                Now that the final Republican debate of 2015 is behind us, the nation breathlessly awaits the next Democratic debate.
                Fortunately, a startling breakthrough in technology has allowed me to see a short time into the future, thus enabling me to bring you the transcript of the upcoming Democratic presidential debate on ABC that will take place in Manchester, New Hampshire, on Saturday, December 19th, before anyone has even taken the stage. IBM’s extraordinary new “Vaticinator I” reveals the debate in advance for you now.
                David Muir and Martha Raddatz moderate. Here it is- and you’re welcome:

*David Muir: I just first want to say how courageous it was of all three of you candidates, in conjunction with the DNC, to dispense with WMUR and their anti-union policies.
*All the candidates in unison: Thank you for those wise and kind words, David, I hope your family is enjoying the holiday treats I sent them.
*DM: They certainly are, thank you all. Let’s start with you, Hillary, my love…what will you do to expand upon the policies our current Dear Leader has pursued that have recently brought such honor and respect to an otherwise unexceptional nation?
*HC: Well, Davey, I just have such respect for the First Amendment and freedom of speech and what you guys in the mainstream media do, that I (choking up)…I’m sorry, I’m just feeling a lot of love and kindness these days. I might add…screw the bleeping Second Amendment though! I don’t know what those old white male bastards were thinking! (Applause). Ha, Ha…thank you all, you’re so kind…I love you all!
*MR: Mr. Sanders, you’ve rightfully called for equal wealth distribution, but do you believe that’s really possible, I mean in light of the fact that the wealthy are such clever, tight bastards?
*BS: Well, Martha, I think we should trust but verify. We’ll trust that 98% top marginal tax rates on the rich will result in an earthly utopia, but we will sure as hell verify that they are paying them!
*MR: I love you…I mean, thank you, Mr. Sanders, sir.
DM: Mr. O’Malley, why are you on the stage tonight?
MO: I’m sorry, what do you mean?
DM: You’re polling at, like, three percent…Hillary’s at close to 50 percent and Bernie’s above 35 percent…so?
MO: I still think it’s better to-
DM: Quiet, frat boy. Anyway, Mrs. Clinton, if you could be any country, which one would you be…and why?
HC: Well, I think I’d like to be Liechtenstein. I just like the way it sounds, I guess.
MO: Oh for crying out loud!
DM: Zip it, loser!
MR: Bernie, you are so, so right in calling for everyone to receive the exact same amount of remuneration regardless of their job status, work ethic, intelligence, discipline and so forth, but do you believe the biased, bigoted, ignoramuses that populate talk radio and internet sites will let your common sense policies come to fruition?
BS: Well, Martha, if elected, I plan to push for passage of the Fairness Doctrine. This law would essentially put an end to any voices dissenting from sanity.  I might add, it was last seriously considered under the first Billary administration, in 1993.
DM: Hillary, I mean Mrs. Clinton… love that pantsuit by-the-way…your response?
HC: Well, you know, I am all for the Fairness Doctrine…always have been.
DM: A follow-up question, if I may, Mrs. Clinton?
HC: By all means.
DM: If you could be a color, just one color, what color would you choose to be?
HC: You don’t mean skin color, do you?
DM: Of course not!
HC: Okay then, I think I’d be…………fuchsia!
DM: Lovely…and unique! I apologize to you all, but I have to bring up this topic, if only because “The Donald” (makes rude gesture with hands) stepped in it so badly. Could each of you, in turn, starting with President-excuse me- Mrs. Clinton, clarify your position on illegal immigration?
HC: You mean ‘undocumented immigrant,’ right?
DM: Quite right! I’m sorry for the slip-up!
BS: I believe the correct term is ‘new American!’
DM: Even better! Again, I’m humbled!
MR:  Alright, closing remarks if you please candidates, starting with you Mr. O’Malley.
MO: Let me just say this about the previous unaddressed-
MR: Thank you. Bernie?
BS: Everything should be free! Except to rich people, ‘cuz they have money.
MR: Well stated, sir, well stated, indeed. The last word is yours, Mrs. Clinton.
HC: I’d just like to say that Donald Trump is the Devil, and he is anti-woman, unlike my venerable husband, who has fought for women’s rights for many years. And, lastly, thank you all so much for coming to this wonderful debate tonight. Love and kindness to you all! (waves to crowd and camera)

                Fade to close

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