North Korea Claims Nuclear Readiness

                North Korea has proclaimed that its nuclear weapons are ready for use, the state controlled Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) reported last week.

                This announcement would pave the way for North Korea to carry out pre-emptive attacks, and allow "the enemies to sleep in peace till the moment they meet their final end in their land,” KCNA reported, citing a speech by the country's leader, Kim Jong-un.

                KCNA continued: "The only way for defending the sovereignty of our nation and its right to existence under the present extreme situation is to bolster up nuclear force both in quality and quantity and keep balance of forces, he said, stressing the need to get the nuclear warheads deployed for national defense always on standby so as to be fired any moment."

                This semi-comedic statement follows the U.N. Security Council's unanimous approval Wednesday of new sanctions against North Korea in response to its recent nuclear and long-range missile tests, according to the USA Today.

                The DPRK (which stands for the “Democratic People’s Republic of Korea,” giggle) has lately averred that its military is prepared to counter U.S. and South Korean forces “with an ultra-precision blitzkrieg strike of the Korean style.” Whatever that is. In fact, its military released a statement saying, “The arms to annihilate the enemies with towering hatred for them are waiting for the dignified Supreme Command to issue an order to launch a preemptive strike of justice.” Say what? A “dignified” preemptive nuclear strike of justice launched with towering hatred?

                Unfortunately for the North, this saber-rattling rhetoric was juxtaposed with the recent reports that it has been fruitlessly searching for one of its submarines that has been missing for days off of its east coast. CNN quoted U.S Intelligence officials as speculating that the Hermit Kingdom’s sub may be adrift under the sea or perhaps is lying on the ocean floor after experiencing technical problems. Here’s hoping that the yellow submarine will be found.

               North Korea claims it is developing submarine-launched ballistic missiles, although doubts about that were raised when Western experts publicly stated that the released footage of these “tests” appeared to be fake.

                A few days ago, North Korea’s Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un, observed his forces as they deliberately fired two short-range ballistic missiles into the sea. (“Yay! Two missiles fired and they both hit the largest ocean in the world! How precise was that, bitches?!”). Kim has ordered the country to improve its nuclear attack capability by conducting even more tests, in defiance of a U.N. Security Council resolution adopted last week in response to the Hermit Kingdom’s latest nuclear test.

                Kim also claimed that his country has miniaturized nuclear warheads to mount on ballistic missiles, although the U.S. and South Korean governments have expressed doubts about that, as well.

                Moreover, Jong-un claims that North Korea has just finalized development of a bomb- the size of a marble- that is so powerful that it can reduce the rest of the planet to ashes while sparing “the beautiful, luscious worker’s paradise of North Korea.” The Dear Leader claims they are now working on a “giant slingshot” to launch the mega-mini-bomb across oceans and landmasses.