Democratic “Virtual” National Convention
August 17-20, 2020
(Background chanting heard) ”Death to Trump! Death to America! Death to the Great Satan!”
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (on a “virtual” stage): “Welcome to the Democratic National Convention 2020, live from the Fiserv Forum in Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Okay, just kidding, that’s where we were supposed to be before the Trump Virus ravaged our nation. You know, like, Republicans don’t think we Democrats like ‘fly-over country,’ but that’s just not true. Take Wisconsin for instance…please. Just kidding, cheese-heads! Who doesn’t like a state with ‘con’ and ‘sin’ in its name, haha? I wish we had been able to meet in Brew Town. There’s no better way to cool off than with a tall cold one…and I’m not, like, talking about Mitt Romney, heh-heh. No, seriously, we like Mitt now. Anyway, a word about, like, the agenda for the next four days. We’ll be hearing more from the candidates on where they stand on the most important issues facing this country, issues like transgender bathroom freedom, illegal immigrant rights, criminalization of the First and Second Amendments, and legalization of heroin, crack cocaine and, like, necrophilia. Tomorrow, Rep. Ilhan Omar will explain to everyone how to volunteer for the Iranian Guard Corps Quds Force, and where to send your donations to Hezbollah. Wednesday we will craft the official party platform and, finally, Thursday, we will officially name and honor our nominee and hear an inspiring talk from her, I mean him…and her, er, his vice-president, as well. Wednesday we will be voting on a platform reflecting our core values and progressive, forward-looking mindset. Key, non-negotiable planks of our, like, platform include:
*Impeaching President Trump again…several more times if possible. There's still time! Failing that, we’ll shoot him. And his family. Oh, um, I mean in the unlikely event that we don’t defeat him this November.
*Banning the manufacture, sale and possession of all guns, including BB guns and rubber band guns. Also, banning the airing of the old television show ‘Gunsmoke,’ and all appearances by the rock group ‘Guns N’ Roses.’
*Keeping all American flags at half-mast until a Democrat is elected president, at which time we will ban them from public spaces.
*Keeping Americans safe (especially ourselves) by know-towing to our enemies…who are actually just friends we haven’t made yet.
*Protecting women’s inalienable health care rights and actually expanding them to include the right to abort their unwanted children up to the age of five and the right to sell their body parts via the internet if the revenue generated is immediately turned over to Black Lives Matter.
*Immediately stripping all powers from the executive branch of the government while a Republican is president, and permanently disbanding the legislative and judicial branches as soon as the next Democratic president is elected. For the people.
*Banning all extraction industries, nuclear power, and destroying the energy sector, forcing America to utilize sustainable energy practices such as burning wood and dung, suddenly freeing tightly coiled rubber bands, and shuffling one’s feet on a carpeted floor during cold and dry periods.
*Clearly stating that Socialism is a more enlightened economic--and moral-- system than capitalism.
*Acknowledging that any and all possible permutations of ‘marriage’ and ‘family’ are equally valid and divine. Love is love. Believe it. Or else.
*Replacing the silly, misplaced worship of some guy in the sky with the serious, sober, truly spiritual adoration of…us. And Oprah. Replacing any Christian monuments with statues of Baphomet.
Well, it’s time for Rep. Rashida Tlaib to lead us all in singing, ‘God Damn America.’ Let the, like, virtual convention begin!”