Democratic-Socialists’ First Annual Combination Fundraiser
for Returning the United States to Indigenous People and Protecting Illegal
Immigrant Rights
Oregon Convention Center
Portland, Oregon
May 12, 2021
Lilith Sinclair: “Welcome, everyone, to the First Annual
Combination Fundraiser for Returning the United States to Indigenous People and
Protecting Illegal Immigrant Rights! (Loud applause.) I am, like, so happy to
be your host and guide for tonight’s events! It’s gonna totally be a blast, I
promise you! As you know, we are sitting here on stolen land, land taken from the
Native Americans who were here first. But white European males (scattered “boos”
from those in attendance) wanted to colonize this land so they could get
started building their Christian Capitalist Kingdom while enslaving or marginalizing
indigenous peoples… and everyone else in the world. So tonight, we are going to
raise money, hopefully a lot of money, to be given to lobbyists who will
advocate for returning all federally-held land in this nation to the Native
Americans…the real Americans…the rightful owners of this land. (Very
loud applause and some supportive whistling.) We will also be talking about
reparations. Johnathan War Eagle will be here later tonight to educate us on
that subject, but he’s running a little late as he is managing the cash office today
at the Turtle River Casino and there was a significant discrepancy that had to
be dealt with. Anyway, we are also here to raise money, hopefully a lot of
money, for the countless illegal aliens who are being turned away, shunned,
marginalized or insufficiently funded and welcomed by the Trump administration!
(Loud applause.) We want to ensure that anyone—from anywhere—can come to
this country if they so desire…and be welcomed and made to feel at home. To
that end, we will be using half of the funds raised tonight to help achieve that
goal, and to lobby for free educations, driver’s licenses, and
fertility-enhancing drugs for our soon-to-be-documented hero-guests. (Standing
ovation from attendees, some weeping.) New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of
The Squad fame (wild cheering)—yes!-- will be in the Lewis & Clark room at
8:00 PM this evening to give a lecture titled, ‘The Sacred, Inviolable Rights of
So-Called Illegals.’ I should inform you all that bathrooms are just outside
the entrance to the Phil Knight Auditorium. The bathrooms are clearly labeled.
One is for cis-men and cis-women, one is for all genders, and another is reserved
only for those who don’t identify as any gender. You will all have a chance to
partake of several raffles this evening and a light dinner will be served at
7:00 PM. You will have a choice of either a venison patty with maize-on-the-cob,
or a burrito with refried beans. Thank you all for coming, and let the fun—and
healing—begin! Oh, by-the-way, if any peace-loving BLM or Antifa protesters should
show up this evening, just let them have their way. And an autonomous zone. Thanks
again. Good night. Enjoy yourselves! Drive safe!”
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