Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Miss America 2.0

                The women who comprise the board of The Miss America Pageant, Chairwoman Gretchen Carlson chief among them, have decided the pageant will scrap the swimsuit and evening gown competitions…and no longer be a “pageant” at all. They vow to transform the competition from one rewarding physical beauty to one supposedly rewarding brains and social consciousness. Looks, age and hygiene will no longer be factors.
                 Fantastic! Rosie O’Donnell could be Miss Florida! Kathy Griffin could be Miss California! That’ll be “must see tv,” won’t it? The “Miss America 2.0” show will henceforth be no different from anything else on the boob tube…except that it will diligently conceal boobs. What red-blooded male wouldn’t tune in to see Miss New York, Hillary Clinton, discuss gerrymandering? Who wouldn’t get aroused by the words, “Please welcome Miss Massachusetts, Rachel Maddow!”
                Apparently, contestants will now be given a choice of a burqa, toga, full-length burlap sack or canvas tarp as their show attire. Insiders tell me, on the condition of anonymity, that the show will keep the talent contest, while adding a knowledge test, a recounting of contestant’s favorite #MeToo movement memories, and a “final thoughts” segment. They will also get to pick their category for the knowledge test, ala the television show “Jeopardy!” There will be six to choose from, including “women leaders,” “feminism,” “Oprah,” “world peace,” “socialism” and “LGBTQ history.”
                In related news, the Chippendales dance troupe just announced that they will no longer parade around in skimpy underwear and bare their torsos—and everything else-- for the benefit of admiring females. A troupe spokesman said, “We are no longer comfortable flaunting our bodies for the express enjoyment of the opposite sex. It feels exploitive and unnatural. Frankly, we’re sick of it.”
                Harlequin Enterprises Limited of Toronto has similarly proclaimed that its iconic Harlequin romance novels, long-time staples of the pulp-fiction paperback book market, will no longer place images of men with bare chests or long flowing locks of hair “ala Fabio” on its covers. Playgirl magazine has also joined the rapidly burgeoning anti-heterosexual movement, stating that it will “never again allow pictures or portrayals of naked men in or on its pages,” adding that it won’t even allow depictions of males in “regular swimwear” going forward.
                Best-selling author E.L. (Erika Leonard) James jumped onboard the virtue-signaling bandwagon as well, vowing that from now on men in her books will politely ask before attempting to kiss a woman…and even then, only after vacuuming and doing the dishes.
                Gay Pride! Transgender Rights! Sexbots! Vibes! Masturbation! Virtually anything that wouldn’t naturally lead to propagating the species is celebrated, but not men’s natural lust for women and vice versa.
                To say that to a rational person this inarguable fact is stupefying would be—or should be—an understatement.
                I guess The Kinks put it best: “Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls. It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, except for Lola.”

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