University of Minnesota Campus
July 17, 2018
First Annual Fundraiser For Invasive Species Control And Immigrant Rights Enhancement
Emcee: "Welcome ladies and gentlemen, and members of the LGBTQ, polyamorous and ‘kink’ communities! We are so happy to have you here with us this evening to help stop the spread of dangerous-- and costly-- invasive species and to help fight the Trump administration in its efforts to limit illegal immigration! (Hearty applause). I think we can all agree that invasive species must be given no quarter and be afforded no safe-haven. They simply cannot be tolerated. It is time to put an end—once and for all—to the immeasurable damage aquatic and land-based invasive species are inflicting on America. We must stop, reverse, and, eventually, eradicate these existential threats to our way of life and our native species! (Hearty applause). Whether it’s the emerald ash borer, brown tree snake, common starling, or kudzu plant on our land, or the carp, zebra mussel, spiny water flea, or Eurasian water milfoil in our waters, we say together: ‘Go back where you came from, we don’t want you here!’ (Hearty applause).
"I’m just as sure that everyone in this room realizes how vital immigrants are to this nation’s health and prosperity. I don’t care where they come from, or if they are ‘legal’ or ‘illegal,’ documented or undocumented, young or old, they all enrich us with their diversity! And remember, tolerance is the highest virtue! We are honored to have the Society for Immigrant Rights (SIR) with us tonight…(applause breaks out)…yes, thank you. Representatives from that great organization will be making a presentation tonight, one that I think will blow you away. Break out the Kleenex boxes!
"There will be several raffles this evening, as well as a silent auction. In addition, there are donation stations on each side of the great hall, one to fund the fight against invasive species, and the other to help fund sanctuary cities and to help secure amnesty for the many millions of under-appreciated aliens currently living in this nation. Fully 100% of the money raised here tonight will go to fund these two vital causes. (Wild applause).
"I am happy to announce that dinner will be served at 7:00 pm. I’m told Chef Manuel and Chef Muhammed have cooked up some exotic delights for us, so I hope you’re hungry! Maybe they’ve deep-fried some invasive species, ha, ha, ha!
"A little later in the evening, representatives from the Society for Immigrant Rights will be coming around asking you folks to sign up for their newsletter, ‘Diversity Is Its Own Reward,’ so just say yes, SIR! (Chuckles).
"Well, we’ve got a big night ahead of us, so let’s get started, shall we?"