University of Minnesota Campus
July 17, 2018
First Annual Fundraiser For Invasive Species Control And
Immigrant Rights Enhancement
Emcee: "Welcome
ladies and gentlemen, and members of the LGBTQ, polyamorous and ‘kink’
communities! We are so happy to have you here with us this evening to help stop
the spread of dangerous-- and costly-- invasive species and to help fight the
Trump administration in its efforts to limit illegal immigration! (Hearty
applause). I think we can all agree that invasive species must be given no
quarter and be afforded no safe-haven. They simply cannot be tolerated. It is
time to put an end—once and for all—to the immeasurable damage aquatic and
land-based invasive species are inflicting on America. We must stop, reverse,
and, eventually, eradicate these
existential threats to our way of life and our native species! (Hearty
applause). Whether it’s the emerald ash borer, brown tree snake, common
starling, or kudzu plant on our land, or the carp, zebra mussel, spiny water
flea, or Eurasian water milfoil in our waters, we say together: ‘Go back where
you came from, we don’t want you here!’ (Hearty applause).
"I’m just as sure that
everyone in this room realizes how vital immigrants are to this nation’s health
and prosperity. I don’t care where they come from, or if they are ‘legal’ or
‘illegal,’ documented or undocumented, young or old, they all enrich us with
their diversity! And remember, tolerance is the highest virtue! We are honored
to have the Society for Immigrant Rights (SIR) with us tonight…(applause breaks
out)…yes, thank you. Representatives from that great organization will be
making a presentation tonight, one that I think will blow you away. Break out
the Kleenex boxes!
"There will be several
raffles this evening, as well as a silent auction. In addition, there are
donation stations on each side of the great hall, one to fund the fight against
invasive species, and the other to help fund sanctuary cities and to help
secure amnesty for the many millions of under-appreciated aliens currently
living in this nation. Fully 100% of the money raised here tonight will go to
fund these two vital causes. (Wild applause).
"I am happy to announce that dinner will be served at 7:00
pm. I’m told Chef Manuel and Chef Muhammed have cooked up some exotic delights
for us, so I hope you’re hungry! Maybe they’ve deep-fried some invasive
species, ha, ha, ha!
"A little later in the evening, representatives from the
Society for Immigrant Rights will be coming around asking you folks to sign up
for their newsletter, ‘Diversity Is Its
Own Reward,’ so just say yes, SIR! (Chuckles).
"Well, we’ve got a big night ahead of us, so let’s get
started, shall we?"
[fade]
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