Missouri State University sociology professor Alicia Walker is asking men from all across the Fruited Plain to send her pictures of their genitalia. Strictly in the name of science, of course. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink). She has embarked on a landmark study to determine if larger penises lead to greater self-esteem. The university’s Institutional Review Board has signed off on the research project, in which Walker asks participants to provide measurements of their penises when flaccid and erect, as well as accompanying photographic evidence.
Walker sent an email to The College Fix stating: “The purpose is to investigate how men feel about their bodies in a culture where we place emphasis on size, including size of penises,” and added that the photographs are only required to verify “data validity and uniform measurement,” and ensure that “all participants are correctly using the bone press method.” I used to “read” Playboy purely to verify “data validity and uniform measurement.” I don’t know what the “bone press” method is, but it sounds vaguely painful, and I’m non-plussed she felt no need to explain what it entails, as if it’s standard operating procedure.
Volunteers have the option of being interviewed if they don’t wish to “share” pictures of their penises. This makes them sound like uncaring, evil Republicans who want to keep everything to themselves. Participants are assured of their privacy. Which is, obviously, of primary importance to anyone wanting to share pics of their dick and balls with a total stranger.
Lest you think this is a cockamamie study, Walker said it is already yielding results, and shared the following with The College Fix: “The men I’ve talked to thus far are in a great deal of distress because of how we view penis size at present. And how they feel is absolutely impacting their condom use, their willingness to even attempt to approach sexual partners, and even going to the doctor for a physical exam. Their physical health is actually impacted by how they feel about their penis. This isn’t a frivolous study.”
Concerned academic that she is, I’m sure she’ll be burning the midnight oil pouring over the data.
She’s convinced me. I, too, have long been interested in science…and people’s self-esteem. Therefore, I hereby announce my own study to aid in this effort, but I will come at the problem from the other direction. I will be trying to determine if larger women’s vaginas lead to lower self-esteem in men.
Ladies, send me measurements and pictures of your vaginal region.
Together we can make a difference!