California To Be Split Into Multiple States?

               This November, voters across California will decide if the formerly Golden State will be split into three new states. A politically-driven initiative pushed by wealthy Silicon Valley venture capital investor Tim Draper received enough signatures to appear on the upcoming election ballot, the Secretary of State’s office confirmed recently. Supporters of the radical plan submitted over 600,000 signatures, allowing the measure to go before voters this fall, and potentially divvying up the erstwhile Land of Milk and Honey into two permanently blue states and one swing state, greatly benefitting Democrats. (And making it necessary to add two more stars to the U.S. flag).

                A poll conducted in April found that only about 17 percent of registered California voters favored the proposal, while 72 percent opposed it. It’s all a moot point, however, as Congress would likely never approve the move.  

                Each of the three states in the proposal would be dominated by major metropolitan areas, ignoring the real division in the state, which is between the rural areas and the coastal cities. But, of course, this is to ensure that more rural residents of each of the three states are held hostage, their votes far more than cancelled out by their biggest cities.

                In a good faith effort to help out my democratic friends, I am proposing that California be split into five states. If each of these five states was largely composed of, or at least included one of California’s numerous big cities, all five of these states could be Democratic strongholds, for a net gain of eight seats in the Senate alone! Republicans would never hold the Senate again.

                Now to the logistics of such an endeavor. I propose that everything from Sacramento north become a separate state called Northern California. Sacramento would be the largest city in this state, and alone, as the seat of government, would guarantee this otherwise purplish region would vote blue. Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown and Gavin Newsome could remain as governor and lieutenant governor, respectively.

 The second new state would encompass the area from just south of Sacramento to Fresno, including San Francisco, Oakland, San Jose and the Silicon Valley. This overwhelmingly progressive stronghold could be called Central California. Likely governor: Mark Zuckerberg. Likely lieutenant governor: Jack Dorsey.

The area south of Fresno to the Mexican border, with the exception of two separate enclaves, would be the state of Southern California, nicknamed “the Sanctuary State.” Likely governor: Current Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti. Likely lieutenant governor: Kobe Bryant.

The fourth new state would cover a relatively small area near Los Angeles and be called Hollywood. Its capital would be named Fauxtown. Likely governor: Robert De Niro. Likely lieutenant governor: Jimmy Kimmel. This wildly progressive new state would still have to deal with the #MeToo movement.

Last, but certainly not least, the fifth new state would surround an area centered by Simi Valley, north and northwest of Los Angeles. This smaller state would be called Pornocopia. Likely governor: Stormy Daniels. Likely lieutenant governor: Jenna Jameson.

Five is better than three, right? (I’m not talking to you, Stormy). It’s up to you California.