Nancy Pelosi & Maxine Waters Press Conference
House Press Gallery
Tuesday, February 14th, 2017- 10 am EST
Maxine Waters: “I’d like to thank you all for coming today; I know it’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m sure some of you need to be picking up a dozen roses for your loved one, and whatnot, but we are here to talk about a couple of very important subjects. First off, the president is probably sending flowers and chocolates to Putin right now, and blowing kisses to him, even as Russia continues to menace its neighbors, like, um…umm…Eritrea…and, err, gonorrhea. The president, I’m sorry to say, doesn’t have a clue about foreign policy, unlike our great President Obama, who never would have stood around while Putin wrapped his arms around, uhhhh…Chick Corea. Anyway, congressional Democrats have come up with a way to punish Russia both for its aggression and its role in stealing the election from Hillary Clinton. We are proposing a bill that would put a total ban on imports of Russian fertilizer, wood, and, what do they call those little slimy egg thingies…commissar? (“Caviar”). Yes, thank you, caviar. Speaking for my party, we don’t need anymore fertilizer. And we can certainly do without fish eggs. And I know I don’t need any Russian wood, how about the rest of you? (Smattering of “no’s,” light applause, one giggle). That’s right! Now let’s let representative Pelosi speak about women’s issues.” (Steps aside).
Nancy Pelosi: “Well I hope we can hurry up and pass that bill so we can find out what all is in it! My friends, I’ve tried to keep an open mind, but, frankly, these first few weeks have been worse than I thought they’d be. I wanted to work with President Ford, I really did, but he’s just been inflexible. It’s no exaggeration to say that the Republican’s War on Women continues. In fact, they are waging it with reckless abandon. Women’s Reproductive Rights must be preserved! The Republicans claim that the people voted for these NAZI-esque policies they are trying to put in place, like not wanting the government to pay for a woman’s abortion or her contraceptives, but I would remind them: The majority of American voters cast their ballots for Hillary Rodham Clinton…not for Henry Ford! Well, buck up ladies, as Ronald Reagan once said, ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself!’ We shall overcome! We Democrats have always been the party of the people, and it’s no different today. We are proposing a sweeping series of initiatives that would commit the government to pay not just for a woman’s abortion and contraceptives, which are of course constitutionally-protected rights granted by her Creatoress, but also for her lingerie, strap-ons, dental dams, vibrators, and one boxed set each of the Fifty Shades series books! (Wild applause and cheering from the gallery). Now, we know that President Nixon will certainly veto this bill, if it were even to get out of the House. But, as I stated before, we shall overcome! Those mean-spirited fascists from across the aisle will have to explain their votes to a rapidly-changing demographic, one brimming with pissed-off women like us (looks at Rep. Waters)- demanding to be taken seriously! If we don’t get what we want from these patriarchal Republican bullies, we will make the Women’s March on Washington look like a short stroll through a small-town bake-sale! Hear us roar! Hear us roar!! Hear us roar!!! (Roars). Thank you.”