Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Democrat Debate #6

Democratic Debate #6                            Hosted by PBS NewsHour and Politico
Thursday, December 19, 2019                                             
Loyola Marymount University
Los Angeles, California

Judy Woodruff (PBS): Good evening and welcome to the sixth Democratic debate, the first to be held on the West Coast. This debate can be seen live on all PBS stations and is being simulcast on CNN, CNN International, and CNN En EspaƱol.  A reminder to the candidates, I’m going to ask each of you— prior to your first reply to a moderator’s question-- to tell us all how you are identifying today and what your preferred pronouns are. 

Senator Warren let’s start with you.

Sen. Warren: Native Amer—sorry, habit. Cis-female. She and her.

Woodruff: Sen. Warren, I haven’t asked a question yet.

Warren: Sorry.

Woodruff: Sen. Warren. Can you further expound on your Medicare-for-All Plan?

Warren: Yes, I am for Medicare-for-All. Including undocumented immigrants. And animals. I would also lower the age to qualify for Social Security disbursements to 42.

Tim Alberta (Politico): Former Vice-President Biden, what would you do to quell the growing problem of domestic violence?

Biden: Biden. Cis-male. He and him. As the only white male in this field, I say we need to kill domestic violence. Just slaughter the hell out of it, baby! (Makes punching gestures).

Alberta: Mr. Biden, there are several other white males in the field. Be that as it may, since you yourself used the term ‘baby,’ what were your feelings when you found out that your son Hunter is, ‘with scientific certainty,’ the father of another woman’s baby, a baby born while he was dating his dead brother’s widow?

Biden: Watch it, Alberta, don’t you effing go there, you classless puke!

Woodruff: Alrighty then, over to you Sen. Sanders.

Sen. Sanders: (Startled) Kill the rich! Oops, sorry, must’ve dozed off there for a moment.

Woodruff: No problem. Sen. Sanders, like Sen. Warren, you have talked of dramatically raising taxes on the rich and on businesses to fund social and environmental programs. Some say this isn’t feasible and could damage the economy. Your reply?

Sanders: Male. He and his. If we punish all the wealthy, productive asshats we can finally achieve LBJ’s Great Society. We just have to spend more than we have so far. We’ve only coughed up a few trillion dollars here, a few more trillion there…hardly worth mentioning.

Alberta: Mayor Buttigieg, you’ve pledged to significantly increase the share of businesses in the U.S. run by minorities. Yet, only about 3% of businesses in the city you manage, South Bend, are reportedly run by minorities. How do you respond?

Mayor Buttigieg: Gay. Proud. Proud gay! Male. He and his, I guess. I will dramatically raise taxes on businesses run by straight white males while giving massive subsidies to start-ups run by members of the LGBTQIIA+ community.

Alberta: Interesting… if not ethical. Or legal.

Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, Senator Harris had to remove herself from the race recently due to a lack of funds and other issues that plagued her campaign. Do you see a realistic path to the nomination for yourself?

Sen. Klobuchar: Cis-female. She and her. You know, Judy, Minnesotans have a reputation for being mavericks. People in my state voted for Mondale in ’84. They elected Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Rudy Perpich as governors. And, more recently, they elected Ilhan Omar to Congress. But I have to tell you, I think I’m actually the sane one in this group on stage tonight. I’m hoping the American people feel that way, too. So, yes I do see a realistic path to the nomination.

Alberta: Mr. Yang, you have publicly accused NBC of turning off your microphone and giving you short shrift in the last debate. Do you still believe that? And, if so, why do you think they did that?

Mr. Yang: Cis-male. He and his. Well, Tim, look at how they covered up the allegations against Weinstein. They clearly have biases. Frankly, I think they protect Jews and despise Asians. Moreover, I believe—

Woodruff: Mr. Steyer, over to you now. As a billionaire, are you offended by Sen. Warren’s and Sen. Sanders’ obvious disdain for people of your ilk?

Mr. Steyer: Cis-male. He, him, his, etc. No, I am not. I hate successful folks just as much as they do. I wouldn’t mind paying a tax rate of 100%-- or more—on my investments.

Alberta: Sen. Sanders, you signed on to Sen. Booker’s call for the debate qualification standards to be lowered again for the upcoming January and February debates. As did all of your fellow candidates. Why?

Sanders: Well, I can’t speak for my colleagues, but, personally, I’ve never believed in standards. Arbitrary standards play into the capitalist merit-based system which is inherently evil and exclusionary!

Yang: And they’re racist!

Warren: And sexist!

Buttigieg: And homophobic!

Klobuchar: And anti-Minnesotan!

Steyer: And xenophobic!

Biden: And, umm, ageist!

Woodruff: How are they ageist, Mr. Biden?

Biden: Biden. Cis-male. He and him. What was the question?

Woodruff: You said standards are ageist. What do you mean by that? Can you give us an example?

Biden: You bet your bippy, I can! Like when I sniff a young girl’s hair or let a kid play with the hair on my legs, I take crap for it. Haters say that it’s ‘creepy’ or just not right…or that I’m too old to be acting that way.

Woodruff: You’ve got a point there. Well, that will rap it up for tonight--


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