Friday, October 11, 2019

Sesame Street Adds New Character

                “Sesame Street,” the timeless children’s public television program, has once again proven its wokeness. It recently introduced the kiddies to “Karli,” a new character whose fictional mother is a recovering drug-addict who regularly attends meetings to help her get and stay sober. In a recent episode, Karli talked with Elmo about her opioid-addled mother, telling him, “My mom needs help learning to take better care of herself, so she talks to people with the same problem.” The show has previously flirted with gay characters on several occasions.
                Anonymous sources tell me this is just the beginning of the show’s commitment to progressive ideals. These sources, near the top of the PBS hierarchy, say that future episodes will feature many progressive themes. The following is a brief outline of what my unimpeachable—if anonymous—sources informed me will be upcoming story lines:

*Guy Smiley will be killed when a gay three-way goes tragically awry and a jealous Mr. Snuffleupagus shoots him in the head with an AR-15.

*Miss Piggy will be found to have an illegitimate son-- conceived with Oscar the Grouch-- who will question his gender identity from the age of three.

*Julia will become pregnant and have an abortion at a local Planned Parenthood office, repeatedly touting her “right to choose” what to do with “her own body.”

*Mr. Johnson will die in an auto-erotica accident when he is asphyxiated while role-playing with Murray Monster.

*Abby Cadabby and Zoe will be kidnapped and sexually abused by “radical right-wing” Trump supporters.

*Bert and Ernie will both identify as cis-gender straight females on the same day, saying they are not gay and can’t understand why some folks assume they are.

*Barkley will attend an anti-Trump rally!

*Big Bird will lobby for the legalization of marijuana and “magic mushrooms”

*Kermit will attend an antifa rally in one episode and escort illegals over the border from Mexico into the U.S. in another

*Elmo will teach his peers the most pleasurable masturbation techniques

*Natasha will expound on the evils of capitalism and why socialism is “like, humane and cool”

*Cookie Monster will plead with viewers to give “more and larger” donations to Public Television “to support great television like this”

*Grover will appear in drag and read books to little kids during “Drag Queen Story Hour”

*Rosita will educate kids on the separation of church and state—and then lobby them to join her in the Church of Satan

*Don Music will sing his new song, “We Are the Rainbow World”

*Sherlock Hemlock will try to get to the bottom of the Trump-Russia collusion scandal

*Count von Count will list all the reasons that straight, white, Christian males are bad

*The Two-headed Monster will explain why, due to climate change, we will all be extinct within 12 years

*Grundgetta will talk about the BDS movement

                How exciting! And, remember kiddies: “You’re watching PBS!”

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