Ms. Monopoly

                “Monopoly” is arguably the most iconic board game of all time. But, combine a game about—gasp!-- making money with the supposed income gap between men and women and you knew something had to give to appease the politically correct mob. And it has: introducing “Ms. Monopoly.” Hasbro says the new game focuses on “female empowerment,” adding that the company is changing the rules of the game so that “this time women get an advantage at the start.” (Get it)?

                In this version, the banker gives $1,900 to each female player but only $1,500 to each male participant. Females get $240 every time they pass “go,” whilst males only collect the standard $200. And, instead of stuffy old real estate, players invest in “inventions and innovations made by women, including chocolate chip cookies, bulletproof vests, solar heating, and ladies’ modern shapewear.” There are new tokens, too, including a white hat, a watch, a barbell, a glass and a jet plane. Hasbro states the white hat symbolizes Mr. Monopoly passing his top hat to his niece, whereas the watch represents the fact that it is “about time for some changes.” I’m guessing the barbell indicates that women are strong, the glass represents women’s love for wine, and the plane represents their desire to get away from the patriarchy that has so oppressed them since well-nigh the beginning of time. There are other updates, as well. For instance, rideshares replace railroads and Wi-Fi supplants water works.

                “Ms. Monopoly” went on sale late last month for the bargain price of $19.99 and can be found on the shelves of retailers across the fruited plain. It can also be ordered at Walmart.com.

                If Hasbro was really serious about its social justice warring, it would have changed its company name for the new release to Hassis. It won’t be long until many more “woke” versions of the old classic are introduced to the brave new world. “Monopoly for Socialists” is sure to arrive soon, though I think a more accurate name would be “Monopoly for Morons.” It’s only a matter of time until “LGBTQ Monopoly” arrives on the scene. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders will be handed far more money to start than will be given to either cis males or cis females, who will not be allowed to pass “go” until all members of the LGBTQ Community have safely gone past.

                “Ms. Monopoly” will surely trigger the release of a vast array of classic board games updated for modernity. “Ms. Scrabble” will award double letter and word points to females. “Trivial Pursuit” will allow women to only answer “entertainment” questions in the interest of fairness. (Easy, ladies, that was only a joke). “Ms. Operation” will allow girls to touch the sides of the patient while removing various organs without losing their turn.  The new “Ms. Battleship” rules will stipulate that a female only has to sink two ships to win the game if she is competing against a male. “Ms. Yahtzee” will allow girls to roll 7 dice when playing against boys, who will be required to roll just 4. Other new games aimed at females will be: “No Risk,” “No Clue,” “Candy (Ass) Land” and “Twister, the #MeToo Version.”

                I would like to see Mattel introduce an updated version of “Pictionary” requiring opposing teams to draw and guess events recently depicted in the mainstream news. This spin-off game would be called “Fictionary.” I’m also hoping Hasbro introduces a brand-new game in honor of the BDSM/Kink Community, a game perfectly suited to this progressive era. Who wouldn’t want to play “Poop Chutes and Bladders?”