8 PM, Wednesday, October 28
“Good evening, and welcome to the third Republican Presidential Debate for the 2016 election, exclusively here on CNBC. I’m John Harwood and I’m joined by my co-moderators tonight, the esteemed Carl Quintanilla and Becky Quick. Let’s get started, shall we?!
JH: Mr. Trump, are you a comic book version of a president?
Mr. Trump: John, that’s a nasty question and you’re doing your audience, the American voters, a disservice by-
JH: Now to candidate Christie…Mr. Christie, you look like you like candy, will you be trick-or-treating this Halloween? And, if so, would you wear a Trump mask? Ooooh, scary!
Mr. Christie: For God’s sake, what kind of a question is that? I-
JH: Over to you, Carl.
CQ: Thanks, John…tough to top those questions. Mr. Bush, do you think the government needs to regulate these daily fantasy football sites that are teasing people with the allure of winning huge amounts of money?
Mr. Bush: Well, I do think the government ought to-
Mr. Christie: Enough on ‘fantasy football’ already! Let people play! Who cares? Why would the government, with all of its problems, bother with something like this? I mean we’re 19 trillion dollars in debt, we have people out of work, we’re being attacked by ISIS and Al Quada and-
JH: Shut up, Fat Boy! Becky?
BQ: I’d like to go back to talking about comic books…
CQ: Mr. Huckabee, does Trump have the moral authority to be president?
MH: You mean like the Clintons? The last thing I need is to give him some more time, but I love Trump. He’s a good man. I’m wearing a Trump tie. Let the media get over that one!
Mr. Trump: Such a nasty question, but thank you governor.
JH: Mr. Christie, you’ve broken with others in your party in your statements that you believe man-caused global warming is real. If you were president, what would you do about it?
Mr. Christie: First off, what you don’t do is raise taxes and send the money off to Washington. They haven’t proven they can fix anything and-
JH: But, what would you do?
Mr. Christie: I’d invest in all types of energy sources and-
JH: But what specifically?!
Mr. Christie: Are you going to answer the question or am I? How are we going to do this? I’ve gotta tell you, even in New Jersey what you’re doing is called rude!
JH: Ha, Ha, Carl?
BQ: I thought we were going to ask more comic book questions…
CQ: Carly Fiorina, if you’re elected (giggle) how do you plan to conduct the Republican’s war on women? Any change in tactics? I mean, you’d be the Commandress-in Chief, so to speak!
Ms. Fiorina: If you think Hillary-
JH: Mr. Carson, your thoughts?
Mr. Carson: I'd just like to thank everyone for being here tonight.
JH: Enough out of the homophobic Uncle Tom, already!
(The previous was not an actual transcript, it was a blend of actual dialogue and fictional comments. Although, the moderator’s ‘performance’ was so outrageous, it really doesn’t make much difference).