With the approach of the new year, one’s thoughts naturally turn toward the future. Especially in dire times like these. In fact, listening to the media one might be excused for wondering if we have a future, what with the ongoing Worst Pandemic the World’s Ever Seen, climate change, overpopulation, pollution, and, of course, the existential threat posed by White Supremacists.
That said, I have spent the past few days speculating as to what might transpire in the 2024 U.S. presidential election. I have come up with a number of scenarios I believe are plausible. To wit:
*President Biden decrees that there will be no election in 2024. He signs an Executive Order banning all future presidential elections “until such time as there is no possibility that the Democratic candidate could lose,” stating that this “is the only way we can save our democracy.” Courts rule that the order by executive fiat is unconstitutional, but Biden urges all states, municipalities, and precincts to comply with his edict anyway. They do.
*Several months before the election President Pelosi announces that, due to the “truly existential threat” posed by the coronavirus Upsilon Variant currently “rampaging through the nation,” all polling places will be shuttered, and only mail-in voting will be allowed. Dr. Fauci tells the country that “We can soon achieve some semblance of normality as soon as 100% of the populace gets their seventh booster shot.”
*Many prospective Republican candidates will be imprisoned on Trumped-up charges, as will many of their potential supporters, most for refusing to be vaccinated. President Harris cackles loudly when asked about this, stating: “Sadly, this was the only way we could save our democracy.”
*Democrats miraculously win again when their candidate receives 99.8% of the votes counted in battleground states between midnight and 4 A.M.
I have also considered some less likely, but nonetheless entertaining scenarios.
*Stacey Abrams is the Democratic candidate and immediately
announces she is transitioning to a man.
She he simultaneously comes out
as a pansexual polyamorous person, becoming the first PPPOC presidential
candidate in history. He subsequently asks Pete Buttigieg to be on the ticket
with him. The erstwhile Transportation Secretary accepts, as he has just
finished his parental leave. Buttigieg balances the ticket as a cis-gay,
cis-white, cis-male from the north. This “Dream Ticket” would have all the
bases covered, except for the ever-shrinking and now essentially meaningless
straight Christian male vote. Buttigieg becomes the second ever Second
Gentleman, the first one married to another man. Abrams becomes the first ever
*Speaking of firsts, we could have the first ever Masked Presidential Election, borrowing the trope from the popular FOX reality television show, The Masked Singer. In this scenario, every presidential candidate in each party would have to wear a full-- and outlandish—costume, including a fake and all-encompassing headcover, for the entire campaign. Only after the election was over and a winner decided will that candidate take his/her/they headgear off to reveal his/her/they identity. Only then will we know who the incoming president is. What drama! Think of the possibilities! This could be Hillary's best—and last-- chance! It could also help potential candidates like Maxine Waters, George Soros, Joy Reid, and Jack Dorsey. Imagine the crestfallen faces of Republicans if the Masked Candidate turned out to be one these folks! Imagine Democrats’ chagrin and despair if the victorious candidate was revealed to be, say, David Portnoy, Joe Rogan, Larry Elder, Aaron Rogers, or Candace Owens!
If one of the latter five potential
candidates was revealed to be the new Commander-in-Chief, perhaps we
could actually “save our
democracy representative republic.”