A Look Ahead: Predictions for 2022
Some of my predictions
for 2021, made here last year around this time, have come true and some
haven’t yet come to pass. (Let’s hope those for December 27th and
December 31st do not occur!) If we thought 2019 was weird and 2020 worse,
2021 was off the charts. What will 2022 bring?
January 1: Americans gladly say goodbye to 2021 yet welcome the
New Year with skepticism and trepidation.
January 6: The Biden administration observes the anniversary of
“the worst attack on Democracy since the Civil War” by gassing those protesters
that are still being held in prison (some without bail or even charges being
filed).
January 17: Democratic governors in five states sign legislation
in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day making it a crime for a person not to immediately
acknowledge the color of any other person with whom they interact. Punishment
for peoples of color (POC) will be waived. Whites, however, will be sentenced
to up to $10,000 in fines and/or one year of imprisonment.
January 25: New Barack Obama autobiography hits bookstores.
January 29: Last three Americans abandon their New Year’s resolutions.
February 1: The Biden administration celebrates the Chinese New
Year. Joe, Jill and Hunter get take-out Kung pao chicken, pot-stickers, and
fried rice…and attempt to eat with chopsticks. The president calls Xi Jinping to
wish him a happy new year and asks him what his New Year’s resolution
is. Xi tells Biden it is to take Taiwan. Biden distractedly wishes him good
luck and asks him about egg rolls.
February 3: The Democratic Congress passes a bill changing the
name of the erstwhile federal holiday “Presidents’ Day” to “FDR, LBJ, Jimmy
Carter, and Barack Obama Day.”
February 12: BLM observes Lincoln’s birthday by burning Springfield,
Illinois to the ground.
February 21: Americans observe “FDR, LBJ, Jimmy Carter, and Barack
Obama Day.”
March 3: The Biden administration urges Americans to celebrate
“Patrick’s Day” on March 17th rather than “Saint Patrick’s
Day,” so as “not to offend the irreligious.”
March 17: Americans celebrate Patrick’s Day.
April 1: George Soros apologizes for “aiding and abetting, subsidizing
and supporting, and encouraging and funding most of the evil that has taken
place in the United States and elsewhere in the past several years.” Just
kidding. April Fools!
April 10: Jeffrey Toobin celebrates Palm Sunday.
April 13: “The Squad” says that they refuse to acknowledge
Jefferson’s birthday, instead calling it “Oppressors’ Day.”
April 15: “The Squad,” with the approval of many other Democrats,
announce that they do not recognize “Good Friday,” noting that not only is this
a blatantly Christian attempt to “steal a day from everyone else,” but that it
also “otherizes” those who prefer “bad” Fridays and evil things in
general.
May 8: The first ever “Birthing Persons Day” is observed, after
the Democratic Congress passed a law mandating the change from “Mother’s Day,”
an archaic term and holiday that had somehow survived for 108 years.
May 10: Barack Obama releases new book of memoirs. His sixth.
May 30: Memorial Day observed in the United States. Americans
soberly reflect on the many who have died at the hands of the imperialistic,
colonizing U.S. military, white supremacists, and an equally racist police
force.
June 1: The start of PRIDE! month! The most wonderful time of the
year!
June 14: Flag Day, on which all Americans pledge allegiance to the
LGBTQIA+ community and its various flags.
June 18: Juneteenth Day in 13 states!
June 19: Fathers’ Day “Sperm Providers’ Day.” But,
more importantly, a Juneteenth holiday!
June 20: Juneteenth observed day off. A federal holiday, even
though it doesn’t fall on a “teen” day!
July 4: Americans bow their heads in shame at what is now commonly
known as “Oppressors’ Day.”
July 19: Former President Barack Obama releases his seventh
memoir. Refers to “me,” “myself,” and “I” 13, 928 times in 478-page book.
July 31: Hillary Clinton announces she will run for
president in 2024.
August 1: Former President Trump announces he will run for
president in 2024. Calls Hillary “washed up old crone” who he “could beat again
with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back.”
August 21: The Biden administration and Dr. Fauci announce that,
due to the coronavirus Sigma Variant’s rampage around the country, Americans will,
unfortunately, have to quarantine until at least 2025.
September 5: Americans bow their heads in shame at what used to be
called “Labor Day,” and is now referred to as “Capitalist Oppressors’ Day.”
Almost one third of Americans vow to never be taken advantage of/work again.
October 10: What was once deemed as “Columbus Day” is now known as
“The Day of Unspeakable Crimes of Which We Dare Not Speak.” Rep. Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) takes to the House floor to issue an impassioned speech in
which she says that the discovery of America was “the single worst thing that
ever happened to the planet.”
October 31: Countless Americans walk around their neighborhoods in
disguise, going door to door looking for a handout, some claiming they will offer
“tricks” if they are properly rewarded. Yet, most Americans easily recognize
them as the Democratic politicians they are.
November 24: “Thanksgiving Day” is no longer observed. By
presidential decree, “Grievance Day” has taken its place.
December 6: New Barack Obama autobiography released to booksellers
nationwide.
December 7: “Some People Did Something to Cause Multiple Boat
Accidents in Hawaii A Long Time Ago Day” is observed by some people in the U.S.
December 25: “Christnomas Day.” Democrats say iconic original
designation of American holiday no different than “Muhammadmas Day” or
“Satanmas Day,” so offer a satirical Latino version implying we should no
longer celebrate “Christmas.”
December 27: China annexes Taiwan. Biden administration cautions
Americans against engaging in anti-Chinese bias, releases “anti-bigotry stimulus”
funds to all Chinese restaurants in the United States.
December 28: Iran announces it now has a nuclear weapon and
threatens to use it to “wipe Israel of the face of the earth.” Biden
administration warns nation against anti-anti-semitic bigotry.
December 29: Russia invades Ukraine. Biden administration threatens
to cut off all sales of “Spam” food products to Russia, and also ban all performances
of “The Nutcracker (Suite)” ballet in the U.S. for five consecutive years.
December 30: Rapture occurs.
December 31: World ends.
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