Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Tries To Answer Questions

                Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) recently remarked that the United States is “not an advanced society.” Alrighty then. Remember, this is the same woman who could not name the three branches of the self-same American government in which she serves.
                In light of these gaffs, I thought it would be fun to quiz her on a few other subjects that used to be considered common knowledge, so I called her office a couple of weeks ago. A secretary connected me to someone that sounded very much like AOC. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Me: “AOC, thank you for agreeing to speak with me. First off, could you name the first three American presidents?”

AOC: “Well, there was, like…George Washington…and, like, um, Abraham Lincoln? Right? And then, umm, Ronald Reagan? FDR?”

Me: “Nice try. And where did the Boston Massacre occur?”

AOC: “Philadelphia!”

Me: “Sorry, no. It actually took place in Boston. Massachusetts.”

AOC: “Like, no shit?”

Me: “Like, no shit. Next, who fought in the Civil War? More precisely, what were the two sides in the American Civil War?”

AOC: “Um, the Redcoats and the, like, Union Jacks?”

Me: “Um, no.”

AOC: “Oh.”

Me: “Can you tell me the difference between the subject and the predicate in a sentence?”

AOC: “Like, that’s a tough one. Um, like, the subject is the accused who gets sentenced in a predicament, right?”

Me: “Not exactly. I said ‘predicate,’ not ‘predicament.’ Anyway, let’s move on. The point at which a supply and demand curve meet is called the ‘equilibrium point.’ In a competitive market, this should help determine the ____  of a product?”

AOC: “The place where capital is owned by labor and the bourgeois are supplanted by the proletariat?”

Me: “What?!”

AOC: “The amount of greenhouse gases it will send into the atmosphere, laying waste to our fragile planet in the interests of Big Energy?”

Me: “Afraid not. Let’s try a real easy one. Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?”

AOC: “Somebody named Grant?”

Me: “Excellent! Now you’re getting it. Which Grant?”

AOC: “Hugh?”

Me: “No, he’s still alive.”

AOC: “Amy?”

Me: “No.”

AOC: “Cary?”

Me: “No. Not the one I was looking for. Ms. Ocasio-Cortez, may I ask you one final question?”

AOC: “Yeah.”

Me: “A very common national personification of the U.S. federal government—in which you currently serve—is…what? I’ll give you a hint: ‘Uncle _____?’”

AOC: “Uncle Pam!”

Me: “Not so much. Anyway, thank you for speaking with me today, ma’am. Happy holidays.”

AOC: “I don’t believe in holidays that white men have foisted upon us for the glorification of---”

Me: “Good-bye.”


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