Genesis- Chapter I, from the revised “Even Newer Testament”
The Beginning: (Enhanced with Progressive Commentary!):
Verse 26) Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” (Like, that is so patriarchal and non-inclusive. It is marginalizing to fish, birds, livestock, wild animals, and all the creatures that move along the ground. Like, we’re not special. All living things should live in peace and harmony, unoppressed by human beings!).
27) So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female He created them. (Why the hell would that be? Did He even ask them what gender they wished to identify as? Did He use their preferred pronouns?! If not, why? Perhaps the LGBTQ community and Planned Parenthood can
set Him straight make Him- or Her- They see
the error of They’s ways).
28) God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” (Like, Dude, there’s now a population crisis, and we’re about to overwhelm our Mother the Earth with too many humans. Thank goodness for Planned Parenthood! Oh, and “subdue” sounds overly masculine and harsh, although I did love the Fifty Shades of Gray books. Just sayin’).