British Government To Cap Calories

                The British government plans to take “drastic” measures to combat the obesity crisis that has arisen, particularly among the nation’s youth. The latest statistics, released on October 11^th, show that children’s obesity rates have climbed by more than a third in the last decade alone. Ergo, the all-knowing, all-caring, cagey government types are planning to force restaurants and grocery stores into limiting the number of calories in pizzas and various other foods, the Independent reported.

                Dr. Alison Tedstone, chief nutritionist at Public Health England, told the Telegraph: “It could mean less meat on a pizza, it could mean less cheese, it could mean a smaller size.” She added, “Consumers are saying they want smaller portions and healthier options.”

                If they really wanted smaller portions and healthier options, they would already be buying them.

                The government has very specific plans for reducing the size of its subjects. A pizza for one, for example, would be capped at 928 calories (930 was considered too many) under Public Health England’s draft proposals, significantly fewer than the average pizza of that size currently contains. Other foods would be subject to calorie caps, as well.

                You’ve heard of salary caps. Now we have calorie caps. These restrictions will almost certainly work as well as the bans on the sale of soda pop in containers larger than 16-ounces that a couple of American cities have tried. That is to say, not at all. If one can’t purchase a 32-ounce Coke, one can simply purchase two 16-ounce Cokes. The same goes for pizza and any other food or beverage items.

                I strongly suggest Britain implement a calorie cap and trade system. If, say, Michael Moore was less than satisfied with a 928-calorie personal pie, he would have the option to purchase more calories from someone who only required five or six-hundred of them. In this way, the calorie cap would remain in place and level, but some flexibility would be allowed amongst individuals.

                The British gamely stood up to Hitler and the Third Reich throughout World War II, but apparently need help fending off a pepperoni and cheese pizza. Not their finest hour. Where is Churchill when you need him?

                Come on, Brits, show some spunk. Don’t let your government dictate every aspect of your existence. Channel the spirit of your cousins across the pond in earlier days. Push back. Toss those tasteless pizzas into the Thames.

                Let history record the “London Pizza Party.”