Readers around the world, I have an important announcement to make: I am calling for U.S. Senator Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) to be investigated for her unprecedented and preposterous assault on every single man on Earth. As you’ll recall, the hateful, bigoted, close-minded “progressive” politician recently told men to just “shut up” and “step up.”
I am therefore demanding that the FBI conduct a full and thorough investigation into every aspect of her obviously troubled life. Only then may we discover why she has launched her vicious and premeditated attack on the First Amendment.
Relax, I’m just kidding, hahaha! Enlightened people know that only white people can be racist, only men can be sexist, and only conservatives can be intolerant and mean-spirited! (For just a moment there, I thought I was going to be kicked off of social media).
Therefore, I am actually-- publicly and vehemently-- calling for the abolishment of anything and everything that could possibly inconvenience, embarrass or otherwise interfere with a person attempting to exercise their government-granted right to abortion on demand. The ability to destroy the lives of others based purely on one’s desires, whether those lives be unborn babies or adults seeking high office, must be held sacrosanct in any advanced society. Anyone who disagrees with this position should be incarcerated. And made to pay for the mental and physical damages and distress they’ve caused those with whom they disagree. After all, the right to exterminate life, arbitrarily imprison others, and pursue grievances is fundamental to the Democratic Party, and ergo the United States of America. They constitute the Three Pillars of Power, if you will. These will soon be the foundation of a new Constitution, which will feature an addendum called “Government Gifts” in place of a Bill of Rights, after Trump is impeached come late November. (We of elite minds realize there is no “Creator,” and that everything just occurred randomly, because it had to. Or something).
I am also calling for President Trumpty-Dump to, in a show of repentance and good will, nominate Maxine Waters, Diane Feinstein, Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford or Stormy Daniels to the Supreme Court.
I am also (also) calling for the abolishment of the Christian religion, American football, July 4th, Thanksgiving, hockey, fossil fuels, apple pie, Hobby Lobby, country music, Chick-fil-a, zoos, the Fox News Channel, Kanye West (aka “ye”), Rush Limbaugh, Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro, Dennis Prager, Ted Cruz, The Washington Times, hunting, NASCAR, bass fishing, C-SPAN, fast foods, cigarettes, single-sex bathrooms, and the “proper” use of the English language.