"Glitter Ash" Wednesday

Part I:   

The Glitter Ash Wednesday movement began in 2017. It was started by LGBT groups (and other progressive advocates) who substitute “glitter crosses” for those made of ashes to proclaim to all that homosexuals should be celebrated as “fabulously made.”

Parity, a New York-based advocacy group, released a statement saying: “Glitter Ashes lets the world know that we are progressive, queer-positive Christians. Glitter is an inextricable element of queer history. The public face of Christianity is often a face of intolerance—especially toward LGBTQ people.” The statement continued: “We make ourselves fabulously conspicuous, giving offense to the arbiters of respectability that allow coercive power to flourish. The organization claims “glitter ashes” are meant to promote a more inclusive Christian message. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Rather than symbolizing a sober, sacred, reflection on Christ’s sacrifice and resurrection, it is a deliberate, gaudy, atavistic celebration of oneself and one’s own sexual proclivities. It is putting the LGBTQ agenda ahead of the Redeemer’s gift of forgiveness and eternal life to those who believe in God. It is the very opposite of repentance, defiling the meaning of Ash Wednesday in a pathetic attempt at raising the worship of minority sexual orientations above the desire to atone for our sins and purify our hearts.

Using “glitter” for preening self-infatuation on Ash Wednesday is itself a sin to be repented. 

Will Gay Pride goeth before a fall?

Part II:

           William McLeod, a fourth-grader at Valley View Elementary School in Bountiful, Utah, walked into his classroom on Ash Wednesday with an ash cross on his forehead, in observance of the religious holiday. His teacher asked him what was on his forehead. McLeod dutifully explained. His teacher took him aside and told him the cross was “inappropriate” and demanded he “go take it off.” The student told KSTU: “She gave me a disinfection wipe—whatever they are called—and she made me wipe it off.” He added that he felt “really bad,” as it happened “in front of all my friends.”

           Run along now, Billy, and disinfect yourself from that Christianity.

           One wonders if the teacher would have, after explanation of what it symbolized, demanded a student remove a “glitter cross,” fabulously conspicuous or not.

                                     *****************************

(The Davis School District eventually apologized for the incident, telling KSTU it wasn’t acceptable and that students of all faiths should feel welcomed).

Florida Man Fails Strip Search

                Wesley Scott, a Florida man, was recently arrested on an outstanding warrant charging him with drug possession. He was originally subjected to a 4:30 am search in the field where he denied having any illegal items concealed on his person. However, when he was made the object of a strip search upon arrival at the Pinellas County jail, he proceeded to remove “three syringes from his rectum” and provided them to a jailer. (Who, I fervently hope, was wearing impermeable gloves).

                He claimed that he “found” the syringes. He said they “were not his.”

                I don’t know about you, but whenever I come across something curious or potentially illegal, I cram it up my ass as a matter of course. Especially if it is rigid, pointy, and likely to cause great pain. However, overly skeptical officials apparently didn’t believe Scott’s highly plausible story, and therefore charged him with introducing contraband into a correctional facility, which is a felony.

                It is quite a coincidence that an innocent man accused of illegal drug possession should happen to have multiple syringes up his butt when brought into custody.

   But, who are we to judge? Maybe he was just a good Samaritan going around picking up litter…or offering flu shots to the disadvantaged.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Climate Change "Our World War II"

                Political rock star Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) likened global warming to the struggle for Civil Rights-- and World War II-- while speaking to an audience of like-minded imbeciles on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day recently. In an interview with Ta-Nehisi Coates in New York City, AOC bleated: “I think that the part of it that is generational is that millennials, and Gen-Z, and all these folks that come after us, are looking up and we’re like, the world is going to end in 12 years if we don’t address climate change, and your biggest issue is, your biggest issue is how are we going to pay for it?”

                The world is going to end in 12 years if we don’t address climate change? Guess AOC won’t see her 42^nd birthday. Damn. “The part of it that is generational” is that your generation never had to pay for anything, your generation never had to pay for anything, and is simply incapable of rational cost-benefit analysis.

                She soldiered on: “And like, this is the war, this is our World War II. And I think for younger people, we’re looking at this and we’re like ‘how are we saying, let’s take it easy when 3,000 people died last year?’” Earth to AOC: Over 60 million people died during World War II, three percent of the planet’s population at the time, in just six years. 3,000 people did not die last year from allegedly man-caused global warming.

                In full dudgeon now, she continued: “How are we saying let’s take it easy when the nth person has just died from our cruel and unjust criminal justice system?” I don’t recall anyone saying “let’s take it easy” recently, but how many people have “just died” from our cruel and unjust criminals, many of them illegal aliens?

                She added: “How are we saying take it easy when the America that we’re living in today is so dystopian with people sleeping in their cars so that they can work a second job without health care?” Um, Alex, the economy is strong and more Americans have health care than ever before. I am not an elite member of society like you are, but I don’t know of anybody who sleeps in their car so they can work two jobs without health care. And here is the definition of dystopian: 1) “relating to or denoting an imagined state or society where there is great suffering or injustice” 2) “An imaginary place where people lead dehumanized and often fearful lives.”

               AOC is speaking of an imaginary place, conjured up by her feverish child-like mind, in an effort to appear “woke.” However, if her policy prescriptions are followed, an impoverished and unjust America will not be a dystopian dream, but a tragic reality.

   Addressing her penchant for savaging those with whom she disagrees on social (anti-social?) media, the Empire State socialist said, “Until we all start pitching in and holding people accountable, I’m just gonna let them have it!”

  Well, I’m holding Occasional-Cortex accountable—I’m just gonna let AOC have it! The world—as we have known it—might actually end in 12 years if morons like her have their way.

Nancy Pelosi Says Illegal Immigrants Make America More American

                Speaking at a news conference on voting rights in Austin, Texas recently, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that illegal immigrants should be allowed to vote and claimed that “these newcomers make America more American.”

                What a remarkably quick transition, as with gay marriage and transgender rights, we have made in the terminology used to describe those crossing our borders while breaking the law. They went from being illegal aliens to undocumented immigrants to “newcomers” in the relative blink of an eye. By next week they’ll have attained the status of “trailblazing saviors.”

                If newcomers-- whether from Honduras, North Africa or the Middle East-- make America more American, than it cannot be argued that, in much the same way, Africanized bees, Formosan termites, fire ants and Asian carp have made America more American, too. Welcome newcomers! Celebrate diversity!

                A sane and rational person understands that criminals and drugs pour over the border and that human trafficking is rampant. That is not to say that no good and intelligent, kind and decent people are attempting to enter the country via our southern border. However, it is to say that if a person leaves the door to their home open all the time, it does not make them compassionate. It makes them naïve and stupid, and a danger to their home and their loved ones.

                Moreover, America is unique in that it is based on a set of ideas and ideals: limited republican government of, by and for the people; the rule of law; and the belief that our rights are inalienable and granted by our Creator.

   Therefore, truth be told, the only way to keep America American, let alone make America more American, is to only allow those in who share a belief in those founding principles. 

The Big Bang

                The “Big Bang” occurred roughly 13.8 billion years ago, or so say scientists. Experts say everything (literally everything) started with a “small singularity.” (Oddly enough, the next singularity might usher in the eventual end of human life). According to the folks at NASA, one second after the universe was born the surrounding temperature was 10 billion degrees Fahrenheit. I don’t believe there were any thermometers around at the time (nothing + one second), and if there were, they probably would have melted, but we’ll take them at their word. This is significantly warmer than the Earth is even today-- after decades of man-caused global warming. Moreover, it must be noted that this was a much more rapid and impressive warming than what may be occurring today, given that the temperature rose by about 10 billion degrees in one second.

                But I digress. The real story here is the fact that the Big Bang was harassment of cosmic proportions. Did nothingness ask for it? I think not. It was wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am and over almost as soon as it began, in true patriarchal fashion. One moment there was nothing but nothingness, a vast barren vacancy, so peaceful and serene, the next moment things came into existence at a staggering rate and were ejaculated across the astral plane. Did the universe ask to be born? No, it did not. It was the result of rape, just as all births are. There was no prior permission given.

                The Andromeda Galaxy, the Whirlpool Galaxy, our own Milky Way, and all the other galaxies, worlds and celestial objects are naught but victims, the results of a shameful, massive, monstrous, misogynistic beginning bang.

                #TheBigBangWasRape. #MeToo. #NotInMyName. #AllOfUsWereScrewed. #VictimsRule. #VoteDemocrat.

House Committees To Launch New Trump Investigations

                The House Judiciary Committee is launching a sweeping new probe of President Donald Trump. Trump says he will cooperate with the Committee, which will investigate his White House, his presidential campaign, and his businesses.                

                The investigation will be tightly focused on possible obstruction of justice, corruption, and abuses of power, as well as Trump’s romantic peccadillos, private smears, inappropriate internet or personal comments, bathing and eating habits, golf etiquette, tipping history, and past treatment of important pollinators such as bees, moths and bats.

                The House Committee will also investigate all other aspects/facets of Trump’s personal life and has so far sent document requests to countless numbers of people linked to the president, his associates, his associate’s associates, their families and friends, and everyone else he—or they—has/have ever met.

                In addition, no fewer than three House committees are asking the White House and the State Department for any and all information on private conversations between President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, including an interview with an interpreter who sat in on their one-on-one meeting in Helsinki last summer, according to the Associated Press. Because, throughout history, all presidents have wanted the content of their private meetings with foreign leaders known to all.

                The requests from the House intelligence (oxymoron alert!), Foreign Affairs and Oversight and Reform committees are for “the substance of Trump and Putin’s conversations in person and by phone and for information on whether those conversations had any impact on U.S. foreign policy,” according to the AP. That is why president’s have those conversations, dumb asses. Presidents and other government types engage in dialogue with their counterparts in other countries specifically to glean information to help tailor their policies towards those nations.

                Socialism-besotted Democrats are hoping the thuggishly aggressive, infinitely open-ended investigation will lead to the impeachment of President Trump. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Mao Jerrold Nadler said the committee has a responsibility to investigate, and that the document requests are a way to “begin building the public record.” Begin?

                There is no one who has ever lived—let alone held political office—that could withstand the kind of scrutiny to which the Mueller and now House Committee Investigations have subjected President Trump. Mahatma Gandhi would have been found to enjoy a hamburger on occasion. (Much like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’ chief of staff). The Committees would have found erotic writings from Mother Teresa. (Or claimed they had if they hadn’t). They would have decided that Joan of Arc was a witch. (Much like the English did). Or that Dennis Prager is a virulent anti-Semite. (He’s a Jew). Ironically, the House committees are eminently capable of Spanish-Inquisition-style anti-Catholic interrogations, too.  The animus behind all the investigations is singular, simple, and sick: Get Trump.

                Anyone who dares to deviate from the “progressive” Nanny State views of the elitist, pitchfork-wielding progressive pols and the faceless deep-state droves is in existential danger of being eradicated.

   Professionally, personally, literally.

  Trump is the leader of the true resistance, which makes him their most dangerous opponent. He is Enemy Number One, and therefore the focus of their frenzied attacks.

               

World's Number One Bridge Player Suspended For Doping

                The World Bridge Federation (WBF) has suspended Geir Helgemo, the world’s number 1 ranked bridge player, for failing a drug test. Helgemo tested positive for both synthetic testosterone and the female fertility drug clomifene at a recent World Bridge Series event in Orlando, Florida. (Is he non-binary?).

                Kari-Anne Opsal, president of the Norwegian Bridge Federation, was understandably shaken by the news. She issued the following statement on the federation’s website: “Geir Helgemo…has previously played for the Norwegian national team and is our biggest star. Many within the bridge community know Geir and respect him.” Well, they used to respect him. She said that, “It is his responsibility not to take substances that are on the doping list,” adding, “I feel for Geir in this situation and hope he will come back stronger…when his ban ends.”

                Helgemo admitted he had broken the anti-doping rules and has been suspended until November 20^th, 2019. Worse yet, the WBF revoked all titles, medals and points he had earned during the 2018 World Bridge Series campaign. (The WBF is recognized by the International Olympic Committee and follows World Anti-Doping Agency rules and guidelines).

                This is just the latest in a long line of doping incidents, sex scandals and gruesome injuries to plague the grueling World Bridge Series Circuit, leading some to call for the abolishment of the WBF, if not the game itself.

                Moreover, as this comes on the heels of the recent spate of doping scandals that have rocked both the World Tiddly-Winks Organization (WTWO) and the National Yahtzee League (NYL), the World Card and Board Game Congress (WCBGC) has promised to generally revisit all rules, regulations and standards pertaining to leisure-time games for pros and amateurs alike. A source close to WCBGC officials says he expects, at minimum, “a further tightening of rules across the board, if not a massive global crackdown on any behavior putting the WCBGC —or the games it sponsors and monitors—in a bad light.” He added, “I’ll lay my cards on the table right now…it’s not going to be pretty.”

Former Vatican Treasurer Convicted Of Molesting Two Choirboys

                Former Vatican treasurer George Pell has been convicted of molesting two choirboys while he was Archbishop of Melbourne, Australia in the 1990’s. Pell faces a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison for each of the two crimes, but denies the charges and is appealing his conviction. Sentencing is scheduled for March 13^th.

                Both alleged victims were 13-years-old at the time. One claims that Pell exposed himself to them, fondled them, masturbated, and forced one of them to perform a sex act on him.

                Pell’s lawyer, Robert Richter, in seeking a lesser sentence for his client, originally downplayed the alleged sexual abuse of the two minors, saying the assaults were “on the low end of offending.” He characterized it as “no more than a plain vanilla sexual penetration case where a child is not volunteering or actively participating.”

                It was just “plain vanilla sexual penetration?!” That’s his defense?! What the Hell?! At that point, it wouldn’t have been surprising if he had then proceeded to explain that, “It was just garden-variety sexual activity. Not particularly kinky, no anal beads, French ticklers, illicit drugs, or small rodents involved at all. Really bland and, frankly, not terribly exciting or imaginative.” That the child was “not volunteering or actively participating” does not make Pell’s case any more compelling. It makes it sound even more like statutory rape. With a lawyer like that, Pell will be lucky if he doesn’t get the gas chamber. And, if he’s guilty, he’d deserve it.

                Richter’s remarks prompted a response from Victorian County Court Chief Judge Peter Kidd (that is a singularly unfortunate name in this particular case), who said: “I see this as a serious example of this kind of offending…There was an element of brutality to this assault.” Is there a non-serious example of this kind of offending?

                Richter has since apologized, claiming he “misspoke.”

    Mr. Richter, that’s plain vanilla bullshit.

Democratic Party Platform 2020

Democratic National Convention
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

July 13-16, 2020

Presentation of Platform

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: “Thanks, peeps! And, like, now it’s time to roll out our awesome Democratic Platform for 2020! Whoo-hooo, right?! Effin’ right! You can all, like, follow along with me on the big screen behind me as I read through it…like, okay? (looks at conventioneers expectantly and nods). Okay, here goes…

“On Judicial Reform: we will strive to add six more Supreme Court Justices…and then engage in court packing. This will ensure a progressive agenda gets a fair hearing for, like, perpetuity.

“On Election Reform: we will abolish the stupid, undemocratic Electoral College and let the simple majority of the people directly elect the president of the United States. 2016 must never happen again. I know, right?!

“On Senate Reform: we will ban the filibuster forever. This will, like, let legislation pass quicker and easier. No more gridlock! If this doesn’t, like, lead to more bills passing we will look to dispense with the bi-cameral legislature and move to a unicameral legislature, like China and Iran.

“On Adding to the Union: granting statehood to the District of Columbia is crucial to the future of the nation. Making sure the people who hold and exercise power—yet exempt themselves from the consequences of their own decisions-- get to vote for themselves is a moral imperative. Plus, if D.C gets to, like, vote in federal elections and stuff, it is unlikely that Republicans will ever again be a majority on Capitol Hill. We will also press for Puerto Rico to then become the 52^nd state. That’s right, right? 50 plus one…plus one…equals 52?

“On Constitutional Amendments: since some of these, like, measures-- such as making the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico states and abolishing the Electoral College-- would currently require the ratification of a Constitutional Amendment, we propose to eliminate the requirement for Constitutional Amendments for any and all changes and reforms we, the Democratic Party, propose now and in perpetuity. Yaayy!

“On Reform Reform: we hereby, like, decree that the fundamental transformation of the United States has not occurred as fast as it should. Therefore we believe it is incumbent upon us, in the interest of democracy and the people, to use any and all means necessary, including but not limited to ‘extralegal,’ to achieve our goal of making the U.S. utterly egalitarian in outcome, and a place where everyone is welcomed equally despite race, creed , color, sex, belief, disbelief, practice, behavior, kink, criminal history, or any other metric, standard or characterization. Except for conservatives, who are evil.

“On Women’s Health: we vow to protect our young people by aborting or killing them before they have to endure any hardships or microaggressions. We propose to raise the age for legal after-birth abortion to nine! (wild cheering from conventioneers)

“On Voting Rights: we propose to lower the legal voting age to…nine…to match up with the maximum age at which after-birth abortion would be legal. In this way, the surviving fetus/child will attain suffrage at the same age at which it becomes a viable tissue mass! If we haven't killed you by then, you can vote for us! Awesome, huh? (more cheering)

“On Voting Rights: we propose to, like, make members of the LGBTQ Community equal to 1 and 3/5ths the value of other citizens. For example:  if 1,000 LGBTQ citizens voted for, like, Kamala Harris, those ballots would be counted as 1,600 votes. This would both redress past grievances and assure that no Republican could ever again win a national office.

“On Romance: we vow to pursue the legalization of bestiality. The practice is, like, legal in Germany and a few other places in Europe, and we know Europeans are more sophisticated and wiser than we are. Love is love is love, right?

“On Hate: we propose the removal of all white males to ‘education camps,’ to help them cope with their overt racism and toxic masculinity, with the goal of releasing them back into society once they’ve read every book recommended by Oprah and watched ‘The Handmaiden’s Tale’ a minimum of three times.

“On Hate: we will work diligently to eventually effect a ban on the practice of Christianity in all its varied and despicable forms. We will continue to strive to expunge all of its symbols from the public square. (Some conventioneers can be heard singing John Lennon’s “Imagine”)

“On Borders: we will immediately refuse to recognize any borders whatsoever. We will push to have even the depictions of America’s borders removed from all maps, atlases, globes, etc.

“On Wages: we vow to institute maximum wages based upon, like, one’s race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, belief, etc.

“On Taxation: we will establish a 95% maximum marginal income tax rate-- to apply to the wealthy—to ensure fairness across all income levels. This will be called Fairness In Taxation, or FIT.

“On Prices: we will see that most everything is free for life, like, including-- but not limited to-- assisted suicide, euthanasia, abortions, marijuana, college educations, prophylactics, health care, peanut butter, hummus, and tickets to see Cher.

 “On Sports: we will ban all contact sports…and road racing…by 2024.

“On Energy: we will ban all forms of energy production other than, like, solar and wind by 2030.

“On Transportation: we will ban all forms of transportation other than electric public transportation by 2030.

“On Music: we will abolish country music by 2032. We will, like, establish Rap as the official, sanctioned musical genre of the United States by that same time. Effin’ right! Give it up, ya’ll!!

“On Utopia: we will see that there is a unicorn in every home by 2036.

“On the National Anthem: we propose to switch the country’s official song from the current militaristic, racist, xenophobic ‘Star Spangled Banner’ to Cyndi Lauper’s uplifting classic, ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.’

“On the Flag: we will propose legislation to replace the Stars & Stripes, as it is really nothing more than a ‘Hate Rag,’ with the much prettier, less threatening, more inclusive LGBTQ flag.

“On freedom of the press: we promise to bring back the ‘Fairness Doctrine,’ which will silence hateful voices in certain media pockets where conservatives lurk, such as talk radio and the Dark Web, thereby letting unbiased outlets like The New York Times and MSNBC do the work of the people without facing fake news/opposing viewpoints.

“On academia: our higher educational institutions like Columbia University, the University of Minnesota, and the University of California-Berkeley already do a peerless job providing the richly diversified educational experience our young scholars need. We promise to help them in this task. Professors of the nation, unite! We salute you, comrades!

“Thank you all. And now it’s my pleasure to introduce Ilhan Omar, Representative from the great state of Minnesota, who will be discussing foreign policy…”

                                             [fade]

Nancy Pelosi Confuses Holidays

                Nancy Pelosi held a public bill signing on Thursday, February 14^th, during which she wished reporters a “Happy Thanksgiving.” The fact that she had previously bid everyone in attendance a “Happy Valentine’s Day” does nothing to excuse her confusion, and, in fact, makes it all the more remarkable. Near the end of the function she re-thanked everybody and said, “Again, Happy Thanksgiving!”

                Uh, Nancy, that was three months ago. Thanksgiving is a different holiday entirely, though the fact that a turkey is often the center of attention may well appeal to you.

    Anyway, the woman who is just a couple of heartbeats away from the presidency stumbled through the entirety of her remarks, frequently pausing, losing her train of thought and misspeaking. Pelosi also famously and repeatedly referred to President Trump as President Bush in the former’s first two years in office.

   Thankfully, we can look forward to her being Speaker of the House for many months yet. I’m sure she will soon wish everyone a “Very Merry Tax Day” on Christmas, “Happy Memorial Day” on Easter, and a “Blessed Ground Hog’s Day” on July 4^th. I’m betting she shows up in a pink bunny suit for the House St. Patrick’s Day observance.