MARS has added a new “spokescandy”
to its lineup of cartoon characters.
The company released a statement saying: “Designed
to represent acceptance and inclusivity, our newest member is known for her
earnest self-expression. Keen self-awareness, authenticity and confidence are
the driving forces behind Purple’s charm and quirky nature. She joins the
legendary cast of M&M’S characters, who recently were given a refresh with
updated looks and more nuanced personalities.” (The brand gave the Green candy
a makeover this past January to make her appearance less “sexy.”)
As if that weren’t
enough balderdash, Jane Hwang, Global Vice President at Mars Wrigley, stated: “Mars is thrilled to debut the newest member of the M&M’S cast of
characters to the world. There is so much about our new spokescandy that people
can relate to and appreciate, including her willingness to embrace her true
self – our new character reminds us to celebrate what makes us unique. Our
purpose story is just getting started and the introduction of our newest
M&M’S spokescandy is the next chapter, as the brand continues to delight
fans with fun in a way only M&M’S can.”
I, for one, am thrilled
that Purple is willing to embrace her true self and can’t wait to hear what the
spokescandy has to say. I think I know what her true “purpose story”
will be: embracing wokeness in a shameless display of virtue-signaling to deflect
from the fact that the company contributes to the obesity epidemic by peddling a
vast array of candy and chocolates to kids and adults alike.
MARS is introducing Purple
via a song and music video titled “I’m Just Gonna Be Me,” in which the
character is repeatedly referred to as a “she.” This has led many folks to speculate that
the company might opt to out her as a lesbian in a later ad, though her
sexuality is not addressed in the video. Because, apparently, small,
candy-coated chocolates just taste better to us when we know they are
homosexual.
Seeking to up its street cred, MARS also
recently partnered with Lil Nas X, a rapper who once paused a show and told his
audience from backstage he needed a minute or two because he was taking a “mean
shit.” (Perhaps he had eaten too many M&M’S.) Lil Nas X has also written
children’s books-- and sold “Satan Shoes” sporting a bronze pentagram, an inverted cross, and
a drop of actual human blood. A veritable Renaissance man! (Tragically, the
shoes sold out almost immediately after they were introduced.)
Less sexy and more
tolerant, accepting and inclusive? That is just what we need from our candies! But,
how does Purple’s “earnest self-expression” and “keen self-awareness” manifest
itself? Oh, I bet I know…wink, wink, nudge, nudge! (She might melt in her hand,
not in her mouth!) I’m sure she’s self-accepting and self-inclusive,
if you know what I mean. And, really, isn’t that the most important attribute
in a candy? I know if my small, chocolatey confection isn’t self-aware
I’m not going to ingest it!
Let’s hope Purple does turn out to
be a lesbian. I’m sure many fans will petition MARS to make it so. But, if the
company truly wants to be inclusive, there are many other colors that have been
sadly—and systemically-- left out of its stable of characters…colors
that could represent many progressive ideas and ideals. Granted, there are not
as many colors, hues, and tints as there are genders, yet MARS could do so much
more to battle the white, male, heteronormative, Christian nationalist patriarchy
that is currently threatening to destroy our democracy and overwhelm the global
confectionery industry. To wit: Fuchsia- could represent those in the atheist
anogendered community (AAC). Ecru could proudly represent Minor Attracted
Persons (MAPs). Mauve could represent those courageously fighting the stigma baselessly
attached to polyamorous interspecies relationships. The possibilities are
endless—and sweet!
Do sugar coat it, but don’t give
it to us straight.
That’s just what MARS has done.
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