Monday, October 31, 2022

An Interview With President Biden


MSNBC Studios

Thursday, November 3, 2022


Nicolle Wallace: “Mr. President, thank you so much for joining us tonight. We would love to get your thoughts on the upcoming election, now just 5 days out.”

President Biden: “No problem, Chris, um, Nicolle. It’s, uh…I’m a pleasure to be here.”

Wallace: “Mr. President, with all due respect, what would you tell those who are…I’m just going to say it…a little concerned about your son Hunter’s alleged actions as, sort of, indicated on his alleged laptop?”

Biden: “Look, that question is dirty pool. Like the pool I was in once when I was defending the kids who were rubbing my leg hair from Corn Pop. Who was a bad dude. But, anyway, Hunter never had a laptop dance—ever—so I don’t know what these people are talking about. And that’s the gospel truth!”

Wallace: “Okay, sir, let’s pivot to your record. Which of your many accomplishments would you say you are most proud of?”

Biden: “That’s a better question, you lying, dog-faced pony-soldier. Nah, look, I’m just kiddin’. You do a great job, Rachel. Anyway, it’s hard to choose, right? I mean we have the best economy we’ve ever had. When I took over, millions were dying of COVID, gasoline was over $5 a gallon, inflation was rampant, interest rates were rising, Putin was in Ukraine. And now the pandemic is over, gas is down to $3.39, there is zero inflation…zero…interest rates are falling quickly, and Putin is in retreat. Right? Beat that, Republican fascists! By-the-way, where’s Jackie?”

Wallace: “All excellent points, sir. But, you must know, some of your radical, right wing critics say you are maybe too old to stay in office much longer. What do you say to them?”

Biden: “To hell with them, they don’t know what they are talking about! I flew more than 100 missions, sorties I think they’re called, over Viet Nam, so I don’t need them calling me names or saying that I can’t perform any longer. Just ask Jill. Who has been a great president, I might add.”

Wallace: “Any thoughts on your family, or on what you want your legacy to be?”

Biden: “Well…my grandfather once struck out Babe Ruth three times in the same inning, uh, game, the year he won the Cy Young award. And my great grandfather invented denim jeans. Dr. Jill—we still play doctor-patient (laughs)-- makes the best Reuben sandwiches on the planet, Jack. For real. She’s won awards. As for…what’d you call it, my jealousy, um, galaxy—”

Wallace: “Legacy, Mr. President.”

Biden: “Oh. (Nods off.)”

Wallace (gently, but a bit alarmed): “Mr. President?”

Wallace (a bit louder): “Mr. President?!”

Biden (wakes with a start): “Yes, dear?”

Wallace: “What would you tell people about the upcoming election?”

Biden: “I’d tell people in all 54 states that Republicans love inflation, so don’t elect ‘em. And they would drain our strategic oil reserve and get us into a war with Russia. And China, too. And maybe Iran and South Korea. I mean North Korea. I think. So…uh… vote for me and Kamala instead. Especially you Black folks, the ones that are authentically Black. You know who you are. Who else you gonna vote for…the thing?”

Wallace: “Final thoughts?”

Biden: “Yes. Two of them, in fact. First, we need to heal and unify this country, treat each other with respect. Second, don’t get serious about a guy, Rachel, until you’re at least 30. Third, Republicans are evil, so don’t vote for the bastards. And fourthly, uh, lastly, uhh…(chin drops, eyes close, long uncomfortable silence ensues)…

Wallace (with barely concealed panic): “Mr. President? Mr. President?!”

Biden (wakes with a start): “Yes, Chris…I was just resting my eyes. Now where was I (stares ahead, squinting a bit)? Oh, yeah. Don’t read the following words off the teleprompter: ‘the exit is to your left.’”

Wallace (slightly flushed): “Thank you, Mr. President. Nice job.”





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