Monday, January 4, 2021

My New Year Predictions

 

A New Year Is Upon Us: My 2021 Predictions

January 6: Over one million people show up in Washington, D.C., and peacefully march in support of President Trump. Mainstream media term the crowd “small, but predisposed to violence and bigotry.” Twitter contests all posts that claim the crowd was bigger than an average Biden rally.

January 6: States certify electors, hand Biden-Harris victory, presidency.

January 7: Biden promises that soon-to-be President Harris will unite the nation.

January 7: President Trump announces he is running again in 2024.

January 10: One-day record number of people shot in Chicago. And Baltimore. And Los Angeles. Mayors of Chicago, Baltimore, Los Angeles blame white privilege, racism, police.

January 11: Nancy Pelosi announces she is out of both caramel cone and dulce de leche flavored Hรคagen-Dazs ice creams.

January 13: House votes to re-impeach President Trump.

January 16: Last American abandons their New Year’s resolution.

January 20: Harris Biden sworn in as President of the United States.

January 21: Sydney Powell swears “Kraken” will really, truly be released next week.

January 22: Lin Wood says new video footage clearly shows Satan double-counting ballots for Biden, calls for election to be overturned.

January 26: Former President Barack Obama releases new memoir.

January 27: President Biden dies after suffering a heart attack playfully chasing after his dog “Champ.”

January 27: President Kamala Harris sworn in.

January 30: President Harris eulogizes Biden, praises “Champ.”

January 30: “Dr.” Jill Biden praises husband in heartfelt eulogy, promises “total support” for President Kamala Harris.

February 2: Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, predicts four more years of winter, darkness in tribute to deceased former President Biden.

February 3: President Kamala Harris and “Dr.” Jill Biden are married in heartfelt, covenantal ceremony. “Dr.” Jill only not First Lady for One Week.

February 8: Google moves to Texas.

February 9: Rush Limbaugh dies. Democrats celebrate wildly, then call for decorum, unity.

February 10: Entire population of Orange County, California, moves to Texas.

February 11: California Gov. Gavin Newsome announces plan to build state-long border wall “to keep Republicans out of our state.”

February 12: Texas announces that immigrants from California will henceforth have to answer a short quiz, including questions on what 3 branches compose the federal government, when America declared its independence, who the first president was, where taxes and revenue come from, and where the Dallas Cowboys play.

February 15: CBS announces debut of CSI: Decorah, Iowa.

February 17: House votes to impeach Donald Trump.

February 19: California Gov. Gavin Newsome issues new 5-Year Plan for “glorious People’s Republic.”

February 23: House Democrats propose bill that would criminalize the term “American” as not inclusive enough, hate speech.

February 26: Elon Musk announces plan to go to Saturn.

March 1: Covid-19 mutates into several new diseases: Covid-21, Covid-22 and Covid-22B; Dr. Fauci says Americans should stay inside and away from other people until they die of natural causes or until a vaccine/cure for death is found.

March 2: Elon Musk says he’ll get to work on a vaccine/cure for death right away.

March 8: Fox/Food Channel announce a collaborative new show-- The Masked, Dancing, Singing, Mystery Chef

March 15: House Democrats propose new bill that would criminalize the term “American” as hate speech, not inclusive enough.

March 30: President Harris announces that no one will be allowed to leave their residences unless they have been vaccinated.

April 1: President Harris announces that every individual’s sexual orientation, gender identity, racial and ethnic identity, political identity, and personal pronoun preference must be clearly visible on their person. This is not an April Fool’s joke.

April 2: 61% of Americans immediately comply with President Harris’ mandate of April 1.

April 21: House votes to impeach Donald Trump.

April 27: Hilary Clinton releases new memoir.

May 11: Former President Barack Obama releases new memoir.

May 17: President Harris announces that Memorial Day will henceforth be observed solely to honor peoples of color, LGBTQ community.

May 31: Memorial Day celebrations around the country honor peoples of color, LGBTQ community.

June 1: President Harris issues edict declaring that Father’s Day will forever after be called “People With Scrotums Day.” Issues follow-up edict declaring that Flag Day henceforth be celebrated as Fag Day. On which, all citizens will be required to genuflect to the Gay PRIDE Flag.

June 14: All citizens genuflect to the Gay PRIDE Flag.

June 21: President Harris decrees that, henceforth, Independence Day shall be rebranded “Dependence Day,” in honor of “our interconnectedness and reliance upon one another, government, and a proper global perspective.”

July 4: Americans celebrate Dependence Day, in honor of “our interconnectedness and reliance upon one another, government, and a proper global perspective.”

July 5: Remaining pockets of rebels, Trump supporters, hunted down and summarily executed “for the good of the many, and the advancement of state.”

July 21: House votes to impeach Donald Trump.

July 22: In a 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court of the Unites States (SCOTUS) finds capitalism unconstitutional.

August 17: The Harris administration, Democrat congress announce that the First Amendment has been found to be unconstitutional, repealed by executive fiat.

August 31: FDA approves first permanent face mask implant.

September 1: Biden administration makes permanent face mask implants mandatory for all citizens.

September 30: The Harris administration, Democrat congress announce that the Second Amendment has been found to be unconstitutional, repealed by executive fiat.

October 5: Former President Barack Obama releases new memoir.

October 26: The Harris administration, Democrat congress announce that the Second Amendment has been found to be unconstitutional, repealed by executive fiat.

November 4: The Harris administration, in conjunction with the Democrat congress, announces that the Fourth Through Tenth Amendments have been found to be unconstitutional, and have therefore been repealed by executive fiat.

November 11: The Supreme Court of the United States finds, in a 5-4 ruling, that the Constitution does sanction marriage between a person of any—or no—gender, and any member of any mammalian species.

November 17: House votes to impeach Donald Trump.

November 18: Harris administration unilaterally disbands Electoral College.

November 23: Harris administration bans Thanksgiving celebrations, gatherings, says “Thanksgiving” not inclusive, gives children, LGBTQIA+ community and peoples of color wrong idea, baseless hope.

November 25: Americans decline to celebrate Thanksgiving.

December 1: SCOTUS, in a 5-4 ruling, refuses to uphold celebration of Christmas, finds it “non-inclusive.”

December 7: Former President Barack Obama releases new memoir.

December 25: Americans eschew observing Christmas.

December 27: China annexes the United States.

December 31: World ends.

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