Thursday, March 12, 2020

The Eleventh Democratic Debate

Eleventh Democratic Debate
A Studio In Washington, D.C. (No Audience)
March 15, 2020
8-10 PM ET
CNN, Univision
Moderators: Dana Bash, Jake Tapper, Ilia Calderón

Bash: Good evening and welcome to the eleventh Democratic debate for the 2020 presidential election cycle. The field has been narrowed to two candidates, former Vice President Joe Biden and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. One note, due to concerns about the coronavirus, there is no live audience for tonight’s debate. With that said, let’s get started, shall we? Mr. Biden, speaking of the coronavirus, what would you have done differently than President Trump, so far, to counteract the deadly virus?

Biden: Well, Donna, I would’ve taken the cordovavirus very seriously. I would’ve made sure there were more than enough testing kits to go around from day one, and I would’ve banned all train travel to and from Indo-China well before President Bush did.”

Bash: But, after the president suspended entry visas for persons traveling from China over a month ago, you called it an act of (looks down at monitor) ‘hysteria, xenophobia and fearmongering.’

Biden: You’re a lying sack of sh*t!

Tapper: Well, um, okay, on to Sen. Sanders then. Sen. Sanders, same question.

Sanders: What the hell did my friend Joe just say? This is why he should not be the nominee! (waving arms) And it’s also why we need Medicare for All and a fully nationalized single-payer health plan! Look at how effective the Chinese were in containing the virus early on! I don’t know why people are so afraid of big government and a little authoritarianism! Makes the damn trains run on time! But not to ‘Indo-China’ from here! Hee, hee…

Biden: (Yells out) I think we should ban all travel. Period. To anywhere. Even within our own country. No planes, no buses, no trains, no automobiles!

Tapper: Mr. Biden, you’re out of order…and wouldn’t that be a bit extreme?

Biden: ‘Extremism in defense of health issues is no vice!’ Barry Manilow said something like that.

Tapper: No he didn’t. Neither did Barry Goldwater. Anyway, Mr. Biden, what do you have to say to those who have questioned your…shall we say stamina…and ability to perform your duties if and when you take office?

Biden: I know damn well what you meant by that, Greg! But a little verbal slip here and there is not a sign of cognitive dissonance! I’m just as sharp as I ever was, Chris, and you’d do well to remember that, bud!

Sanders: The next question better damn well go to me!

Calderón: Yes. Mr. Sanders, some have questioned how you would pay for all of the government programs and freebies you have proposed. What would you tell them now?

Sanders: Soak the rich! I call it the ‘Robin Hood Plan,’ Ilia. Or ‘dictatorship of the proletariat.’ By the way, your name, ‘Ilia,’ is Russian! Good name, comrade!

Calderón: Thank you, sir. But can you be a bit more specific? Details, numbers, anything?

Sanders: Of course. Specifically, we will tax the hell out of everyone making more many than I do! (waving arms around again now) And we will do it for four years…or eight years if I’m re-elected!

Biden: Can I just tell Colonel Sanders here that that ‘plan’ won’t work? I mean, that dog won’t hunt! C’mon, man! Also, I’d just like to say how much I enjoy being here in the Southwest. You know, it’s not just the blacks that have an affinity for me. I have a way with Indians, too. And, I’ve always loved New Mexico!—

Bash: Mr. Biden, this debate is being held in Washington, D.C. Not Arizona, as originally scheduled. Or New Mexico. You are in Washington, sir.

Biden: I knew that, Donna! The flight wasn’t long enough. Just seein’ if you were paying attention to good old Uncle Joe, and--

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