Wednesday, March 11, 2020

A Joe Biden Campaign Rally, March 2020

A Joe Biden Rally
Somewheresville, USA
March, 2020

Biden (beaming, looks out at the crowd and begins to shout):

“So we were dead, huh? Come on, man! They shoulda known. We’re better than that! (much cheering). They said the other guy was gonna win! But that was before…Alabama! (cheers) Arkansas! (cheers) Macedonia! (fewer cheers) North Kor-- er North Carolina! (cheers) Oklahoma! (cheers) Tennessee! (cheers) Texas! (cheers) Virginia! (cheers) Michigan! (cheers) And Mexico! (fewer cheers, some look around nervously) So, if you believe in the Declaration of Interdependence, say it with me now, ‘we believe these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created by the, you know…the thing. And that they are well endowed by their…you know…the thing…with certain unbreakable rights, that among these are strife, liberty and the pursuit of sloppiness.’ I say to you today, come with me and we will go forward…all the way to Washington, A.C.D.C.! I served with Barack Obama, the greatest president in the history of this republican democratic. I served as his vice president. He told me I was the best one ever. Ever. I can’t wait until I myself am sworn in as the leader of the free world. I can’t wait to take the oath of office and utter those famous words: ‘I do solemnly curse that I will faithfully execrate the office of Senator of the United States, and will, to the best of my ability, deserve, project and defund the Constitution of the United States.’ But first, we got some work to do. But I have to say, I’m lookin’ forward to Milwaukee come this July! (cheering) I’m gonna get up on that stage in Brewtown and look at Elizabeth Warren and say, ‘Lizzie, wanna get me a beer?!’ (laughing and cheering) Seriously, I love West Virginia…Mountain Mama! Love those Badgers! And we are gonna carry West Virginia! (confusion, some polite cheering) With your help, we will beat back those Bernie Brothers, kick Trump in the berries…and retake the White House!! (loud cheering) You know, I’m a big fan of women in politics. (cheering) I still think women will have something to say about the upcoming erectio—election. (cheering) Maybe I should name my wife as vice president, huh, how would that be? (grabs his sister standing next to him at the podium and gives her a big smooch on the lips; his wife on the other side of the podium recoils, but recovers quickly and says, ‘yoohoo, big boy, I’m over here.’ Biden blushes uncomfortably but says, ‘you guys switched up on me again’) Well, we’ll just have to see how it plays out, won’t we? Well, thank you all, and, as Sherman Potter said during the Civil War, ‘On to Georgia!’”


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