A Joe Biden Rally
Somewheresville, USA
March, 2020
Biden (beaming, looks out at the crowd and begins to shout):
“So we were dead, huh? Come on, man! They shoulda known. We’re
better than that! (much cheering). They said the other guy was gonna win! But
that was before…Alabama! (cheers) Arkansas! (cheers) Macedonia! (fewer cheers)
North Kor-- er North Carolina! (cheers) Oklahoma! (cheers) Tennessee! (cheers)
Texas! (cheers) Virginia! (cheers) Michigan! (cheers) And Mexico! (fewer
cheers, some look around nervously) So, if you believe in the Declaration of
Interdependence, say it with me now, ‘we believe these truths to be
self-evident, that all men and women are created by the, you know…the thing.
And that they are well endowed by their…you know…the thing…with certain unbreakable
rights, that among these are strife, liberty and the pursuit of sloppiness.’ I
say to you today, come with me and we will go forward…all the way to
Washington, A.C.D.C.! I served with Barack Obama, the greatest president in the
history of this republican democratic. I served as his vice president. He told
me I was the best one ever. Ever. I can’t wait until I myself am sworn in as
the leader of the free world. I can’t wait to take the oath of office and utter
those famous words: ‘I do solemnly curse that I will faithfully execrate the
office of Senator of the United States, and will, to the best of my ability,
deserve, project and defund the Constitution of the United States.’ But first,
we got some work to do. But I have to say, I’m lookin’ forward to Milwaukee
come this July! (cheering) I’m gonna get up on that stage in Brewtown and look
at Elizabeth Warren and say, ‘Lizzie, wanna get me a beer?!’ (laughing and
cheering) Seriously, I love West Virginia…Mountain Mama! Love those Badgers!
And we are gonna carry West Virginia! (confusion, some polite cheering) With
your help, we will beat back those Bernie Brothers, kick Trump in the
berries…and retake the White House!! (loud cheering) You know, I’m a big fan of
women in politics. (cheering) I still think women will have something to say
about the upcoming erectio—election. (cheering) Maybe I should name my wife as
vice president, huh, how would that be? (grabs his sister standing next to him
at the podium and gives her a big smooch on the lips; his wife on the other
side of the podium recoils, but recovers quickly and says, ‘yoohoo, big boy,
I’m over here.’ Biden blushes uncomfortably but says, ‘you guys switched up on
me again’) Well, we’ll just have to see how it plays out, won’t we?
Well, thank you all, and, as Sherman Potter said during the Civil War, ‘On to
Georgia!’”
[fade]
No comments:
Post a Comment