Friday, March 13, 2020

Colleges Stressing Sustainability

                “Sustainability” is a fast-growing branch of social-justice-warring on college campuses across the ever more fruited plain. The schools are teaching the students-- and the students are teaching the schools-- that we must dramatically lessen our greenhouse gas emissions lest the planet suddenly combust like a Molotov cocktail at an Antifa demonstration.
                Parker Angelos, the head of Indiana University-Bloomington’s new sustainability department, is also urging his school’s students to be kind to the Earth, the Indiana Daily Student has reported. Mr. Angelos helpfully edified his fellow scholars, stating, “Living sustainably is one of the easiest things you can do.” He then told them: “Turn off your lights, unplug your electric devices, take shorter, cold showers.”
                These bastions of higher education have inspired me. We can all do so much more. What if we just turned off our heat in the winter? Refused to turn on the air-conditioning this coming summer? These two simple gestures alone would have a second-level benefit, over and above reducing energy use. A large number of us would perish, greatly reducing our carbon footprint! Moreover, what if we got rid of our ovens and refrigerators? (And don’t cook things in a fire, either, as the smoke rises into the atmosphere, contributing to greenhouse gas buildup, too). After all, raw fruits and vegetables are the best things we can consume for our health…and the health of our mother the Earth. If we all go vegan, we won’t need to kill our fellow beings, nor cook them. We won’t need guns. We will only need communal vegetable gardens. And, we should give up toilets as well as showers, rendering other forms of fertilization unnecessary. We should all just poop on our communally mandated garden plots. Talk about a “twofer?!” This just keeps getting better and better.
 What’s more, if we give up air-conditioning and showers in the summer months, and eschew toilets in favor of pooping on our garden plots, it is very unlikely we will find anyone willing to mate with us, which will help to alleviate the population crisis, further reducing greenhouse gas emissions going forward. 
 Sustainability. Genius!

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