Water Works Park Amphitheater
Des Moines, Iowa
Saturday, September 21, 2019—9:00 A.M.
Biden Fest Pre-Steak Fry Event (with Joe Biden!)
Former Vice-President Joe Biden happily addresses crowd:
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen…and, uh, you know, those of indeterminate or
other gender. I welcome you all, regardless!” (polite applause emanates
from crowd).
He continues: “You know, I’ve always loved Iowa. I love
dirt, pigs, corn, silos, Olive Garden restaurants…all the stuff that you
guys…and, uh, gals and others do! If you ask me, farmers work too darn
hard for their money. And there is so much work to be done. It’s no wonder why
you guys need such big families. Speaking of which, if you can get a tax break
for a racehorse, why can’t you get a tax break for a pig? And, even more
importantly, why in God’s name couldn’t we provide an $8,000 tax credit for
everybody who has childcare costs? That would put 720
million* American women back in the workforce! It would also increase
the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It
would grow the economy. (Hearty applause, though some look around confusedly).
Anyway, I am humbled to see so many of you here today. Trump always inflates
the number of folks who attend his rallies, but he has nothing on you guys. I
bet there are over 20 million of you here in Kansas with me this morning! Go
Jayhawks!” (Many in the crowd looking around uncomfortably…some mumbling).
Biden again: “You know, when I got back home from Flanders
Fields after serving in World War I, I took a good look around and I said to
myself: ‘Joseph, what else can you do to make this a better
world?’ You know how I replied to myself? I said: ‘Run for public office. Run
for public office.’ So that’s why I’m so gratified to see you all here, many of
you holding Polaroids and tape recorders, and some with those new Blueberry,
uh, Blackberry phone thingies. So I hope you all go back home and turn on your
record players, spend some time with your Pet Rocks… or try to solve your
Rubik’s Cubes…or even hop in your Edsels or Duesenbergs and go for a
celebratory ride. Because, ‘Biden in 2020’ baby. That’s where it’s at. Thank
you! Now let’s eat!”
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*According to the U.S. Census, there
are 330 million people living in the United States. Roughly half of those are
women. Maybe two-thirds of them are of working age, the majority already
gainfully employed. There were a total of 5,824,000 unemployed people in
the U.S. as of April, 2019. Biden’s 720 million figure is beyond preposterous--
but of a piece with his fellow Democrats’ claims of the Green New Deal and
climate change, etc. Pathetic is an understatement.
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