Water Works Park Amphitheater
Des Moines, Iowa
Saturday, September 21, 2019—9:00 A.M.
Biden Fest Pre-Steak Fry Event (with Joe Biden!)
Former Vice-President Joe Biden happily addresses crowd: “Good morning ladies and gentlemen…and, uh, you know, those of indeterminate or other gender. I welcome you all, regardless!” (polite applause emanates from crowd).
He continues: “You know, I’ve always loved Iowa. I love dirt, pigs, corn, silos, Olive Garden restaurants…all the stuff that you guys…and, uh, gals and others do! If you ask me, farmers work too darn hard for their money. And there is so much work to be done. It’s no wonder why you guys need such big families. Speaking of which, if you can get a tax break for a racehorse, why can’t you get a tax break for a pig? And, even more importantly, why in God’s name couldn’t we provide an $8,000 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs? That would put 720 million* American women back in the workforce! It would also increase the GDP, to sound like a wonk here, by about eight-tenths of one percent. It would grow the economy. (Hearty applause, though some look around confusedly). Anyway, I am humbled to see so many of you here today. Trump always inflates the number of folks who attend his rallies, but he has nothing on you guys. I bet there are over 20 million of you here in Kansas with me this morning! Go Jayhawks!” (Many in the crowd looking around uncomfortably…some mumbling).
Biden again: “You know, when I got back home from Flanders Fields after serving in World War I, I took a good look around and I said to myself: ‘Joseph, what else can you do to make this a better world?’ You know how I replied to myself? I said: ‘Run for public office. Run for public office.’ So that’s why I’m so gratified to see you all here, many of you holding Polaroids and tape recorders, and some with those new Blueberry, uh, Blackberry phone thingies. So I hope you all go back home and turn on your record players, spend some time with your Pet Rocks… or try to solve your Rubik’s Cubes…or even hop in your Edsels or Duesenbergs and go for a celebratory ride. Because, ‘Biden in 2020’ baby. That’s where it’s at. Thank you! Now let’s eat!”
*According to the U.S. Census, there are 330 million people living in the United States. Roughly half of those are women. Maybe two-thirds of them are of working age, the majority already gainfully employed. There were a total of 5,824,000 unemployed people in the U.S. as of April, 2019. Biden’s 720 million figure is beyond preposterous-- but of a piece with his fellow Democrats’ claims of the Green New Deal and climate change, etc. Pathetic is an understatement.