Iranian General Claims Israel Stealing Rain

   

                Iran’s Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali, head of his country’s Civil Defense Organization, asserted that Israel and another nefarious nation in the region have been stealing Iran’s clouds in order to prevent rain from falling over the Islamic republic. Jalali stated during a press conference that Israel was “manipulating weather” and that Iran was the victim of “cloud theft,” metro.co.uk reported. 

                Speaking at the conference, the general said: “The changing climate in Iran is suspect. Foreign interference is suspected to have played a role in climate change.” He went on to insist the results from an Iranian scientific study “confirmed” the assertion: “Israel and another country in the region have joint teams which work to ensure clouds entering Iranian skies are unable to release rain. On top of that, we are facing the issue of cloud and snow theft.” He cited a survey purporting to show that all mountainous areas above 2,200 meters between Afghanistan and the Mediterranean Sea are covered in snow, except in Iran.

                I have taken the liberty of rewriting an enormously popular song, first released in 1969, in honor of the good general:

Raindrops aren’t fallin' on my head,
And Netanyahu’s ears are too big for his head,
Nothin' seems to fit,
Those raindrops aren’t fallin' on my head,
They aren’t fallin'...

So I just did me some talkin' to the hun,
And I said I didn't like the way his nation’s run,
Or the Book of Job,
Those raindrops aren’t fallin' on my head,
They aren’t fallin'...

But there's one thing, I know,
The drones they’ll send to meet me,
Won't defeat me,
It won't be long 'till happiness
Steps up to greet me...

Raindrops aren’t fallin' on my head,
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red,
Cryin's not for me,
'cause, sooner or later we’ll defeat the Great Satan
And you will see
we’ll drive Israel into the sea
we’ll drive Israel into the sea

But there's one thing, I know,
The drones they send to meet me,
Won't defeat me,
It won't be long 'till happiness
Steps up to greet me . . .

... One two three four
Five six seven eight...

Raindrops aren’t falling on my head,
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red,
Cryin's not for me,
'cause, sooner or later we’ll defeat the Great Satan
And you will see
No one’s nuttier than me
No one’s nuttier than me...

(My apologies to Burt Bacharach and B.J. Thomas).