Sunday, July 29, 2018

Speed Doctors

                A new study, conducted by researchers from the University of Florida and posted on, found that physicians give a patient an average of only 11 seconds to describe their ailment before cutting them off. The study showed that just one-third of physicians give their patients adequate time to explain why they came to see them in the first place.
                That might explain why, when I visited my doctor last Tuesday and said: “Well, doc, I gotta tell ya’, ever since I came back from Mexico last week I’ve been unable to sleep and have had excruciating pain in my—” he cut me off and replied, “Right, then. Here you go. Take two of these every four hours, get plenty of rest, drink lots of fluids, and call me in the morning. Next!”
                In physician’s defense, Obamacare has made it more difficult for them to make a lot of money, even as it results in more people seeking doctor’s attention. Moreover, I take the “findings” of this study with a grain of salt, not literally. That said, however, doctors do tend to let nurses and other medical personnel do most of the groundwork before bursting into the room and grandiosely showering their patients…with the attention span of a nine-year-old suffering from A.D.D.
                This can lead to physicians misdiagnosing the problem, in the manner of spin doctors in the mainstream media “reporting” on gun violence. Sometimes “just what the doctor ordered” isn’t what’s best for the patient.
                An 11-second patient to doctor reporting window could lead to exchanges such as mine. Or such as this: “Doc, I slept with this hot girl, like, two months ago—she was really cool and all-- but recently my left ear fell off and it really hurts when I--"
                “Got it. I’m putting you on the Atkins diet and prescribing Rogaine. Oh, and we’ll have to remove your spleen.”
                Physician, heal thyself.


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