"Can I Kiss You" Training

                Put this one in the “You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me” file: The Pentagon has spent just short of $700,000 since 2009 training soldiers on when it is appropriate to kiss a woman, the Washington Free Beacon reports. Alas, it’s true.

                Author and speaker Mike Domitrz conducted “Can I Kiss You” training the last week of April in Fort Eustis, Virginia, instructing soldiers to ask a woman for permission before kissing her at the end of a date, “no matter what.” Domitrz works with the Date Safe Project and traverses the globe “teaching” people about consent. The DSP has received contracts from the Pentagon totaling $697,627 since 2009. The Fort Eustis event was part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month and was intended to spark “a conversation about relationships and intimacy.”

                “Relationships and intimacy,” that’s exactly the kind of training our military needs!

                “Did the training increase our efficiency, sir?”

                “No.”

                “Did it increase our readiness?”

    “Well, no.”

    “Enhance our fighting spirit?”

                “No. But, dammit, our soldiers are more polite and gentlemanly than an Ivy League ambassador at a chastity convention! They really know how to act around the ladies!”

                They shouldn’t have to worry about what might be a proper time to kiss a woman to whom they are attracted. At least not while in uniform. Putting women in close quarters with male soldiers, whether in peace time barracks or in life or death combat situations is a terrible idea and a needless distraction from the one vital job the soldiers should be tasked to do. Secondly, most women themselves would disagree with the mandate for men to ask them for permission before kissing them. I personally know many females that say, “If you have to ask…” or, “It spoiled the mood,” or “Next time just do it if you want to.”

                Thank God the social justice warriors weren’t around during the Revolutionary War, World War II, or the Civil War. We had real warriors in those fateful times.

                Outside of Trenton, New Jersey, January 1777

                “General Washington, where are your troops? We have a real chance to catch the British unawares, sir!”

                “They’re in relationship and intimacy training, Lieutenant Colonel Hamilton, and can’t be bothered!”

                Near St. Vith, in the Ardennes, December 1944

                Brigadier General Bruce Clarke: “Our boys can’t hold out much longer! Where’s Patton and his Third Army?!”

                Aide: “He says they’ll be on their way as soon as their “Can I Kiss You or Hug You” training is complete, sir!”

                July 1863, near Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

                Major General George Meade: “Where are our re-enforcements, Corporal?”

                Corporal: “Well, it’s like this, sir. The fellas haven’t completed the mandatory training yet.”

                General Meade: “What do you mean, Corporal? They completed it and mustered out months ago!”

                Corporal: “Not that training, sir. I mean their “Etiquette and Affection” drills, sir! This is the Civil War, sir!”

                The famous V-J Day kiss, where the victorious, elated sailor grabbed a female stranger in a white dress on the streets of New York City, then bent her over and gave her a lengthy smooch, would be considered an “assault” today. (Yet, the U.S. still hasn’t brought Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial for masterminding the deaths of thousands of American citizens on 9/11). I guess that’s just what happens “as time goes by.”

   It’s just what progressives do
   In order for them to prove
   The simple facts of life aren’t much
   For leftists to remove

   You must remember this
   A kiss is still a kiss, only with permission granted
   The fundamental things, you see, have been recanted
   As time goes by.

   And when two lovers woo
   They must say, "May I touch you?"
   On that you can rely
   No matter what the future brings
   As time goes by.