Los Angeles Rams Corporate Office
29899 Agoura Road
Agoura Hills, California 91301
June 18, 2018
Kevin Demoff, Executive Vice President of Football
Operations/Chief Operating Officer:
“Ladies and gentleman, non-binaries and members of the LGBTQ
community at large, press people, and all those around the world watching the
live-streaming of this event, it is my honor and privilege to make a
special—and timely—announcement today. In light of the continuing controversy
surrounding concussions in sports, and in full acknowledgement of the
culturally-defining role the National Football League plays in American life,
the Los Angeles Rams hereby announce that we are changing our name and logo. I think we all realize that
rams, by their very nature, are continually head-butting each other in a
violent but ultimately useless struggle to determine which one is tougher and
more persistent. The word itself means either an un-castrated male sheep, is short
for ‘battering ram,’ or, in its verb form, is defined as ‘roughly force
(something) into place.’ All of this fairly reeks of toxic masculinity which
has no place on a modern-day football field. Even the word’s synonyms are
steeped in violence: ‘cram, jam, stab, stuff, pack, stick, sink, push (stops to
mop brow), plunge, force and thrust.’
“As for our logo, a menacing, snarling ram with head
lowered, ready to initiate head-to-head contact on a moment’s notice, well, it
was quite obviously time for him to go. That all said, what will be our new
team name and motto? Owner Kroenke, general manager Snead and I, among many
other valued employees of the club, put our heads together recently…um, well
not really…I mean that would be ironic…we didn’t really knock our heads against
any other person’s…by this I meant that we shared ideas on what the best image
for us going forward would be…and we believe we came up with the right
re-branding for the times. Ergo, it is my pleasure to reveal the new logo for…
the Los Angeles Sanctuary Seekers! (Demoff
then pulls a small tarp off of an easel next to him, with exaggerated flair, revealing
a baby-blue logo featuring Mother Theresa sheltering an undocumented alien in
her arms, looking at him beatifically). Voilá! (Silence for a moment, then
gasps and cheers). I know, right?
“This storied franchise was founded back in 1936, a very
different time indeed. And we still play in a ‘Coliseum,’ as bizarre as that
term sounds to the modern ear. But we recognize this is a new and enlightened
era. That is why we are also announcing today that we are installing ‘safe
spaces’ on the sidelines of our field, so that our players—or our opponents—can
have an oasis, if you will, of peace, comfort, ease and safety if game play
becomes too stressful or competitive for them. (Much cheering, many stand and
hug each other, some wiping their eyes). Thank you, thank you very much! I can
see we’ve made the right choices. You have validated us! Our incoming college
draft choices, in particular, will benefit from the familiar and welcoming safe
spaces. We will provide these havens with warm milk, Play-Doh™, and Siberian
Husky puppies. (More applause).
“Bless you all. It’s a new day in LA!”
[fade]
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