Los Angeles Rams Corporate Office
29899 Agoura Road
Agoura Hills, California 91301
June 18, 2018
Kevin Demoff, Executive Vice President of Football Operations/Chief Operating Officer:
“Ladies and gentleman, non-binaries and members of the LGBTQ community at large, press people, and all those around the world watching the live-streaming of this event, it is my honor and privilege to make a special—and timely—announcement today. In light of the continuing controversy surrounding concussions in sports, and in full acknowledgement of the culturally-defining role the National Football League plays in American life, the Los Angeles Rams hereby announce that we are changing our name and logo. I think we all realize that rams, by their very nature, are continually head-butting each other in a violent but ultimately useless struggle to determine which one is tougher and more persistent. The word itself means either an un-castrated male sheep, is short for ‘battering ram,’ or, in its verb form, is defined as ‘roughly force (something) into place.’ All of this fairly reeks of toxic masculinity which has no place on a modern-day football field. Even the word’s synonyms are steeped in violence: ‘cram, jam, stab, stuff, pack, stick, sink, push (stops to mop brow), plunge, force and thrust.’
“As for our logo, a menacing, snarling ram with head lowered, ready to initiate head-to-head contact on a moment’s notice, well, it was quite obviously time for him to go. That all said, what will be our new team name and motto? Owner Kroenke, general manager Snead and I, among many other valued employees of the club, put our heads together recently…um, well not really…I mean that would be ironic…we didn’t really knock our heads against any other person’s…by this I meant that we shared ideas on what the best image for us going forward would be…and we believe we came up with the right re-branding for the times. Ergo, it is my pleasure to reveal the new logo for… the Los Angeles Sanctuary Seekers! (Demoff then pulls a small tarp off of an easel next to him, with exaggerated flair, revealing a baby-blue logo featuring Mother Theresa sheltering an undocumented alien in her arms, looking at him beatifically). Voilá! (Silence for a moment, then gasps and cheers). I know, right?
“This storied franchise was founded back in 1936, a very different time indeed. And we still play in a ‘Coliseum,’ as bizarre as that term sounds to the modern ear. But we recognize this is a new and enlightened era. That is why we are also announcing today that we are installing ‘safe spaces’ on the sidelines of our field, so that our players—or our opponents—can have an oasis, if you will, of peace, comfort, ease and safety if game play becomes too stressful or competitive for them. (Much cheering, many stand and hug each other, some wiping their eyes). Thank you, thank you very much! I can see we’ve made the right choices. You have validated us! Our incoming college draft choices, in particular, will benefit from the familiar and welcoming safe spaces. We will provide these havens with warm milk, Play-Doh™, and Siberian Husky puppies. (More applause).
“Bless you all. It’s a new day in LA!”
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