The Extremely Socialist Programming Network, or ESPN, recently announced they were pulling broadcaster Robert Lee off the William and Mary-Virginia college football game on September 2nd. Understandably, the move was met with some incredulity by those still in possession of a cerebral cortex, causing ESPN to issue this stupefying non-apology: “We collectively made the decision with Robert to switch games as the tragic events in Charlottesville were unfolding, simply because of the coincidence of his name. In that moment it felt right to all parties. It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret that who calls play-by-play for a football game has become an issue.”
Robert Lee, who hasn’t addressed the "issue," is Asian, and, also unlike Robert E. Lee, who died 147 years ago, still alive. Yet, to avoid potentially offending tyrannical left-wing morons, the network moved Lee to another game. In doing so, the Extra Sensitive Programming Network has figuratively erected an unprecedented monument to stupidity.
How many Thomas or Tom Jeffersons are around today? How many folks are named John Adams? Should we continue to blithely allow them to hold their jobs? To wander around the country with impunity? Is this not potentially offensive to someone? How many Joseph Johnstons are in our midst?
There is an “Adolf Jewelers” in Richmond, Virginia. How can this be? It’s obviously a nod of approval to Adolf Hitler, and might even explain the Neo-Nazis at the recent rally in nearby Charlottesville. Moreover, there is an “Adolf Meats & Sausage Kitchen” in Hartford, Connecticut. ESPN itself is located in Bristol, a suburb of Hartford! Is it just a “coincidence” that this emporium is located on ESPN’s own stomping grounds? And remember, meat is murder, and stockyards are just concentration camps for livestock! Jawohl? What is ESPN trying to hide?
ABC employed Keith Jackson, arguably college football’s best- and most famous- announcer for many years. But Keith Jackson was born in the South, Georgia to be specific. Might he have had a secret nickname? Perhaps he was known to some as “Stonewall” Jackson? ABC acquired a controlling interest in…ESPN…in 1984. Simple coincidence, or a sign of something much, much darker? Hmmm? Inquiring minds want to know.