New York City
September 11, 2017
Chester E. Dogooder, host: “I’d like to welcome you all to the first annual Fundraiser for Planned Diversity. We are honored to have representatives from the Alterity Administration (AA), Contrariety Committee (CC), and the Directorate of Diversity and Dissimilitude (DDD) attending tonight’s gathering!
“We meet here this evening with dual purposes. First, I am thrilled to say that tonight we’ll have a chance to make a difference in the fight against invasive species. I’m sure I don’t have to tell any of you how much these invasives- terrestrial and aquatic alike- have cost us in terms of almost unimaginable and inalterable damage to ecosystems and infrastructure, to say nothing about the loss of domestic flora and fauna. From Africanized (“killer”) bees and Asian carp to zebra mussels, the United States is under a sustained assault from alien invaders that is literally changing our landscape and altering our way of life.
“Sadly, once these invasive species are established, they tend to crowd out native species, and there is almost no way to reverse this, or even reach an equilibrium. Estimates of the cost of fighting this war on invasives run as high as $137 billion a year. And, experts say, this is a drop in the bucket compared to what it will take to seriously deal with the problem. The Alien Species Prevention and Enforcement Act of 1992 makes it illegal to transport a plant or animal deemed injurious to the U.S. through the mail, but this is, of course, just a band-aid on a problem requiring tourniquets and a full-body wrap. Currently, mechanical removal, chemical control, biological control and interference with reproduction are also tools being used to beat back the alien invaders, the list of which is long and growing. For example, Kudzu is called “The Vine That Ate the South.” The brown tree snake has caused the extinction of at least 12 bird species on Guam alone. European starlings were introduced to America via the depositing of just 100 birds in New York City’s Central Park, and now are found everywhere in the U.S., often to the detriment of native species. The emerald ash borer is on the verge of wiping out the entire $25.1 billion dollar a year ash lumber industry. Zebra mussels and spiny water fleas have permanently changed the character of thousands of lakes and rivers. The litany of damage caused by non-native species goes on and on. You all will have an opportunity, through silent auctions, sweepstakes, lottery tickets, and, of course, straight-up donations, to help raise some serious money to help prevent any further spread- or introduction- of invasive species.
“With that said, I am equally excited to talk about the second part of tonight’s fundraiser, our goal to raise five million dollars…that’s right…$5 million…to help illegal immigrants get into this country, and sanctuary cities to defeat the fascistic attempts of the Trump administration to deport those that are already here. These blatantly racist and xenophobic attempts to prevent those that are different from us from having a chance to thrive in this country are as appalling as they are shocking and counterproductive. We know how much immigrants add to our society. The richness, flavor and diversity they bring with them can only reinvigorate America, and add another priceless multicultural mosaic to the vast and ever-changing tapestry of the New World. Whether engaging in female genital mutilation, lobbying for Sharia Law, or just denouncing Uncle Sam while taking his entitlement monies, these immigrants are vital to the long-term health and viability of the United States of America.
“I encourage you all to bid in our silent auctions. Peruse the tables around the perimeter of the ballroom for fantastic opportunities to bid on items such as aquatic weed removal systems and illegal-immigrant aid kits! Sweepstakes and lottery information can be found just to the left of the ‘Don’t Build a Wall Around Your Heart’ booth, located next to the all-gender bathroom facilities. Secure donation boxes can be found next to the food and drink kiosk, featuring locally-sourced foods and beverages. ‘Coexist’ bumper stickers are available for just $5 each, or five for $20 at the kiosk. All right folks, thank you for coming, and let’s get this party started, shall we?! That’s what I like to hear! With that, I’ll turn it over to tonight’s featured speaker, the mayor of Berkeley, California, Jesse Arreguin!”