Edison Ballroom
New York City
September 11, 2017
Chester E. Dogooder, host: “I’d like to welcome you all to
the first annual Fundraiser for Planned Diversity. We are honored to have
representatives from the Alterity Administration (AA), Contrariety Committee
(CC), and the Directorate of Diversity and Dissimilitude (DDD) attending
tonight’s gathering!
“We
meet here this evening with dual purposes. First, I am thrilled to say that
tonight we’ll have a chance to make a difference in the fight against invasive
species. I’m sure I don’t have to tell any of you how much these invasives-
terrestrial and aquatic alike- have cost us in terms of almost unimaginable and
inalterable damage to ecosystems and infrastructure, to say nothing about the
loss of domestic flora and fauna. From Africanized (“killer”) bees and Asian
carp to zebra mussels, the United States is under a sustained assault from
alien invaders that is literally changing our landscape and altering our way of
life.
“Sadly,
once these invasive species are established, they tend to crowd out native
species, and there is almost no way to reverse this, or even reach an
equilibrium. Estimates of the cost of fighting this war on invasives run as
high as $137 billion a year. And, experts say, this is a drop in the bucket
compared to what it will take to seriously deal with the problem. The Alien
Species Prevention and Enforcement Act of 1992 makes it illegal to transport a
plant or animal deemed injurious to the U.S. through the mail, but this is, of
course, just a band-aid on a problem requiring tourniquets and a full-body
wrap. Currently, mechanical removal, chemical control, biological control and
interference with reproduction are also tools being used to beat back the alien
invaders, the list of which is long and growing. For example, Kudzu is called
“The Vine That Ate the South.” The brown tree snake has caused the extinction of at least 12 bird species
on Guam alone. European starlings were introduced to America via the depositing
of just 100 birds in New York City’s Central Park, and now are found everywhere
in the U.S., often to the detriment of native species. The emerald ash borer is
on the verge of wiping out the entire $25.1 billion dollar a year ash lumber
industry. Zebra mussels and spiny water fleas have permanently changed the
character of thousands of lakes and rivers. The litany of damage caused by
non-native species goes on and on. You all will have an opportunity, through
silent auctions, sweepstakes, lottery tickets, and, of course, straight-up
donations, to help raise some serious money to help prevent any further spread-
or introduction- of invasive species.
“With
that said, I am equally excited to talk about the second part of tonight’s fundraiser, our goal to raise five million
dollars…that’s right…$5 million…to
help illegal immigrants get into this country, and sanctuary cities to defeat
the fascistic attempts of the Trump administration to deport those that are
already here. These blatantly racist and xenophobic attempts to prevent those
that are different from us from having a chance to thrive in this country are
as appalling as they are shocking and counterproductive. We know how much
immigrants add to our society. The richness, flavor and diversity they bring
with them can only reinvigorate America, and add another priceless
multicultural mosaic to the vast and ever-changing tapestry of the New World. Whether
engaging in female genital mutilation, lobbying for Sharia Law, or just
denouncing Uncle Sam while taking his entitlement monies, these immigrants are
vital to the long-term health and viability of the United States of
America.
“I
encourage you all to bid in our silent auctions. Peruse the tables around the
perimeter of the ballroom for fantastic opportunities to bid on items such as
aquatic weed removal systems and illegal-immigrant aid kits! Sweepstakes and
lottery information can be found just to the left of the ‘Don’t Build a Wall
Around Your Heart’ booth, located next to the all-gender bathroom facilities.
Secure donation boxes can be found next to the food and drink kiosk, featuring
locally-sourced foods and beverages. ‘Coexist’ bumper stickers are available
for just $5 each, or five for $20 at the kiosk. All right folks, thank you for
coming, and let’s get this party started, shall we?! That’s what I like to
hear! With that, I’ll turn it over to tonight’s featured speaker, the mayor of
Berkeley, California, Jesse Arreguin!”
(fade)
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