July 4, 2018
National Park Service (U.S. Department of the Interior)
Office of The Director of The National Park Service (DNPS)
DNPS: “Welcome, esteemed members of the press- and people of all genders- to this historic announcement. As you all know, for some time now there has been a growing awareness of white privilege, and the attendant celebration thereof via hurtful and triggering statues, paintings, orchestral pieces, movies and television shows, holidays, phrases, sports team nicknames, town and lake names, jokes, gibes, insinuations, innuendos, anecdotes, and a long list of other evils that I won’t enumerate now.
“This is why I am so pleased to be able to share with you today the news that, in the spirit of inclusivity, tolerance and healing, two of the likenesses on Mount Rushmore will be eviscerated from their erstwhile places of honor. The countenances of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, former slave owners both, will be blasted from the face of the rock outcropping- and thus, literally, from the face of the Earth- as soon as circumstances permit. Yes, thank you! Calm down, please! Though these faces were made of stone, our hearts are not! While it’s true these two men accomplished some great things, such as defeating the British, establishing the most successful democratic republic in the history of the world, setting the precedent for all presidents to come, and declaring that all men are created equal and are granted certain unalienable rights by their Creator, they were also deeply flawed and unworthy of adoration such as Gutzon Borglum bestowed upon them. Additionally, the National Park Service, in conjunction with the U.S. Department of the Interior, will re-scrutinize the bios of Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln in an attempt to determine their continuing merit to adorn this rocky shrine.
“Moreover, the Park Service is conducting a study to determine the feasibility of constructing a ‘Black Mount Rushmore’ in the nearby hills. After all, these are the ‘Black Hills,’ and should reflect that in who we honor there. In fact, we are already accepting nominations for figures to be potentially ensconced on the possible future shrine. So far, President (and Michelle) Obama, Muhammed Ali, Prince, Oprah, Maxine Waters, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Rahm Emanuel, Keith Ellison, Redd Foxx, Dennis Rodman, Lebron James, O.J. Simpson, and Malcolm X have been suggested as candidates, but none of these are set in stone…ha, ha, ha! A little Park Service humor, there. Anyway, keep the suggestions coming!
“I am similarly elated to bring closure to the confusion regarding the images on Stone Mountain, in Georgia. While the depictions of Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and ‘Stonewall’ Jackson have all been removed, we have decided that those of their horses, ‘Blackjack,’ ‘Traveler,’ and ‘Little Sorrel,’ respectively, can stay, as they were also oppressed victims of the white (humanoid) patriarchy.
“Thank you all for coming. I can take a few questions if there are any.”