Disney 2.0: It's A Gay New World!

                The Walt Disney Company is certainly positioning itself to succeed in the brave new world we are entering. No more Snow Whites and Bambis- at least as you once knew them- from this iconic studio. They are making a concerted effort to get with the times and the ubiquitous LGBTQIA program.

                The soon to be released live-action version of “Beauty and the Beast” will feature a gay story-line between LeFou and Gaston. Director Bill Condon told Attitude magazine that LeFou is confused about what he wants: “LeFou is somebody who on one day wants to be Gaston and on another day wants to kiss Gaston.” He added, “It is a nice, exclusively gay moment in a Disney movie.” Well, it’s about time.

                Disney has already broadcast their first gay cartoon kiss. During a second-season episode of “Star vs. The Forces of Evil” on Disney XD, two males smooch. Moreover, in a subsequent scene, two ladies share an “intimate moment.” This isn’t even animé! Usually, in order to see gay cartoon porn, one would have to traipse down to the local adult novelty shop, video store or “Fantasy House,” or penetrate the shadier reaches of the internet. Not anymore! Disney brings it to your kid’s channel! How fantastic and convenient.

                Attitude joyously proclaimed Beauty and the Beast “Disney’s gayest film ever,” and added that it came with a “same-sex surprise” for fans. Yay! Members of the LGBTQ community (I was too tired to add the ‘IA’ this time) have been pressuring movie studios and filmmakers for more representation in recent years, especially more on-screen portrayals. Attitude’s editor-in-chief called this a watershed moment for Disney, and stated: “By representing same-sex attraction in this short but explicitly gay scene, the studio is sending out a message that this is normal and natural- and this is a message that will be heard in every country of the world, even countries where it’s still socially unacceptable or even illegal to be gay.” He also said the film would hopefully help to change attitudes and “bring about real social progress.”

                We can breathlessly await Disney altruistically pushing the social-progress boundary even further in the months and years ahead. In fact, I’m hoping the studio will re-imagine and re-make many of their former classics to better align with modern-day mores and sensibilities. If they wanted to appear even more cutting-edge, the studio could mix and match various characters and scenes from prior movies, and put them into newly coveted situations. The following are some exciting, yet common sense, hints and suggestions for more “normal and natural” scenes:

                *I’m sure Ursula would jump at the chance to get her tentacles around Goofy, if you know what I mean. The creative geniuses at Disney should be able to work wonders with this idea. Is eight really enough?

                *Disney could put Captain Hook and Cruella De Vil together for some truly twisted- and delicious- sado-masochistic fun. And the timing couldn’t be better. BDSM magic at its best.

                *Buzz Lightyear…and Lightning McQueen? I think we all knew that was eventually going to happen. Who would be able to hold back the tears upon hearing Lightning shout, “Take me to infinity… and beyond, Buzzy baby!”

                *Mufasa could definitely make Rapunzel roar! (Bonus: they could compare manes). “Don’t be afraid, Rapunzel. Trust your instincts. The roar will be there for you when you need it.”

                *Sheriff “Woody?” Really? You know he could make Minnie Mouse squeak. Take away quote: “Wait a minute. I just lit a rocket. Rockets explode, baby!”

                *A smiling Cheshire Cat could take Tinker Bell to places she’s never been. Wink, wink…meow!

                *The Prince wakes Snow White up by climbing on top of her and doing “the nasty.” Who wouldn’t be overcome with emotion?

                *”Beauty and the Beast: 50 Shades of Gay.” Never-mind, they’ve apparently already got this one in the can. Disney at its beastial best!

                *Pongo marries Perdita…and there’s a close-up of them doing it…doggy-style! Another Disney first!

                *Tarzan explores the jungle- and his sexuality- with Jane…and a chimpanzee. You would feel the tolerance and inclusiveness!

                *I’m guessing this one is already in the works: Princess Jasmine and Tiana in a torrid interracial lesbian scene. So moving! Bring extra tissues!

                I can’t imagine that any of this would confuse the little ones in any way. And parents will surely be glad that the fun, escapist movie they thought they were bringing their five-year-old to now may force them to answer uncomfortable questions about aspects of sex and sexuality that one that age can’t possibly understand, nor should be forced to face.

                Jiminy Crickets! They’ve taken this “If your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme” thing…too far.