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That’s fit to print Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Trump Practices Devil Worship!
Washington, D.C.—President Donald J. Trump shocked and appalled Democrats and Republicans alike in this city earlier today when he averred that he loves the Devils. Even some of his biggest detractors were taken aback with the president’s open Devil worship. The hullabaloo stems from yet another careless, over-the-top, Trump tweet in which he expressed his great fondness for the New Jersey Devils professional hockey team: “I’m a New York guy, but always loved the Devils. I’m sure New Yorkers and Washingtonians alike will hate this. Can’t betray my guys, though. Love right wing Devante Smith-Pelly. Same for goaltender Corey Schneider. Prudential Center is okay, too. Go Devils! Sucks they’ll miss the play-offs this year. We need to make @New Jersey Devils great again! MNJDGA! Gonna order some hats soon!” Understandably, after such a shocking statement, recriminations came hard and fast. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow said that the president should be burned at the stake. Many major newspapers have called on the president to resign. Nancy Pelosi stated: “I’ve always suspected President Bush was a Devil-worshipper!” Lena Dunham, however, commented: “I have to grudgingly admit, this makes me respect him…a little bit.” The New York Times? Well, we’ll take the high road, as always, and just remind the pudgy, illegitimate Commander-in-Chief that the Rangers will make the play-offs this year.