A Suburban Home
Outside Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
(Knock at door, homeowner opens)
Biden Administration representative: Hello, we are here because the Biden administration cares about you and wants to make sure you stay healthy.
Other Biden Administration representative: And safe!
Homeowner (confused): Oh? How so?
BAR: We know that you haven’t yet been vaccinated against the coronavirus and we want to make sure that you get vaccinated.
OBAR: Yes, and we can vaccinate you right now, right here!
Homeowner: That won’t be necessary, thank you. I’ve actually had the coronavirus, and I have antibodies. Plus, I’ve heard that the vaccines can be, how would you put it, “problematic” for some people, especially those who have already had the virus. And how did you know I hadn’t yet been vaccinated?
BAR: We have been going through your text messages and noticed that you recently told your mother that you didn’t think you needed to get vaccinated. But now I’m afraid we have to cite you for trafficking in harmful misinformation.
OBAR: Yes, you just stated that vaccines may not be beneficial to everybody, especially those who have already had COVID-19. This is unacceptable.
BAR: Yes. Sorry.
OBAR: You’ll have to come with us.
Homeowner: What?! Hell, no!
BAR: There is a way around that.
Homeowner: What would I have to do?
OBAR: Renounce the Republican Party, Capitalism and Christianity.
BAR: And sign an agreement to vote for the Democratic candidates in all upcoming elections.
OBAR: Oh, and promise to use the preferred pronouns of any transgender person you ever encounter for the rest of your life. And to donate 5% of your income to LGBTQ-endorsed causes and charities.
BAR: And watch “The View” every morning and “Don Lemon Tonight” every evening!
Homeowner (standing stunned): Well, I uh….
BAR: Great! As an added bonus of our visit today, I will leave you with this complimentary copy of The Communist Manifesto and this Black Lives Matter bumper sticker. Put the bumper sticker on your vehicle by midnight tonight. Or else! (Laughs.) Bye! Have a great day!
OBAR: Have a great day!