Friday, July 9, 2021

Another New CIA Ad!


New CIA Television Ad, 3rd in Series—

(Man, apparently, apparently in Central Intelligence Agency Breakroom)


“Hi there! I am woman, hear me roar! (Giggles.) Well, I identify as a woman anyway. Same thing, right? In fact, I am a transgender, pansexual, atheist of color. And I am the new CIA! I am intersectional, anti-colonialist and anti-racist. I know this because I hate white, Christian males, a.k.a. ‘the oppressors.’ I despise Trump and ‘MAGA’ hats! I mean, Orange Man and red hats, how gauche!

“Anyway, when we here at the CIA aren’t trying to save the world by chasing down right-wing bigots and white supremacists around the globe, we can relax in our newly expanded and lavishly appointed Fun Room And Safe Space, or FRASS (looks around and gestures with hands as camera follows). Yay! As you can see, we have an oven for baking cookies and a deluxe Keurig maker for making coffee. We have a sushi bar here and a quiche station next to that. There are adult coloring books on the table over there. Very adult, if you know what I mean, honey! (Giggles.) Let’s just say we use a lot of ‘nude’-colored crayons. On the table over there, we have various board games. And, with titles like ‘Gay Monopoly,’ ‘Pricktionary,’ ‘Randy Land,’ ‘Cards Promoting Pornography,’ and ‘Poop Chutes and Ladders,’ we will never be bored! (Winks at camera coquettishly.) We like to say, ‘Let your freak flag fly with pride!’ And we actually do fly the LGBTQIIA+ flag(s) for Pride! Month. And many of us are lobbying to get that flag to permanently replace the U.S. flag that some of us refer to as the ‘Scars and Swipes.’ We also want to rebrand the entire organization as the ‘Central Intersectional Agency.’ We’d keep the same acronym!

“But I digress. Anyway, we have a library stocked with the classics, books by everyone from Karl Marx to Megan Rapinoe, V.I. Lenin to Rachel Maddow, Al Gore to Greta Thunberg, and RuPaul to Don Lemon. After all, we Pride! ourselves on our tolerance! There’s room for everybody here at the new CIA! (Well, unless you are a conservative or hold traditional values, of course. Or are some other kind of sick perv.)

“Well, anyway, ta-ta and thanks for watching. Remember the motto that adorns the wall here at CIA headquarters: ‘And we shall blow the truth because the truth shall make you pee.’”


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