New CIA Television Ad, 3rd in Series—
(Man, apparently, apparently in Central Intelligence Agency
Breakroom)
“Hi there! I am woman, hear me
roar! (Giggles.) Well, I identify as a woman anyway. Same thing, right?
In fact, I am a transgender, pansexual, atheist of color. And I am the
new CIA! I am intersectional, anti-colonialist and anti-racist. I know this
because I hate white, Christian males, a.k.a. ‘the oppressors.’ I despise Trump
and ‘MAGA’ hats! I mean, Orange Man and red hats, how gauche!
“Anyway, when we here at the CIA
aren’t trying to save the world by chasing down right-wing bigots and white
supremacists around the globe, we can relax in our newly expanded and lavishly
appointed Fun Room And Safe Space, or FRASS (looks around and gestures with
hands as camera follows). Yay! As you can see, we have an oven for baking
cookies and a deluxe Keurig maker for making coffee. We have a sushi bar here
and a quiche station next to that. There are adult coloring books on the table
over there. Very adult, if you know what I mean, honey! (Giggles.) Let’s
just say we use a lot of ‘nude’-colored crayons. On the table over there,
we have various board games. And, with titles like ‘Gay Monopoly,’ ‘Pricktionary,’
‘Randy Land,’ ‘Cards Promoting Pornography,’ and ‘Poop Chutes and Ladders,’ we
will never be bored! (Winks at camera coquettishly.) We like to say, ‘Let your
freak flag fly with pride!’ And we actually do fly the LGBTQIIA+ flag(s)
for Pride! Month. And many of us are lobbying to get that flag to permanently
replace the U.S. flag that some of us refer to as the ‘Scars and Swipes.’
We also want to rebrand the entire organization as the ‘Central
Intersectional Agency.’ We’d keep the same acronym!
“But I digress. Anyway, we have a
library stocked with the classics, books by everyone from Karl Marx to Megan
Rapinoe, V.I. Lenin to Rachel Maddow, Al Gore to Greta Thunberg, and RuPaul to Don
Lemon. After all, we Pride! ourselves on our tolerance! There’s room for
everybody here at the new CIA! (Well, unless you are a conservative or hold
traditional values, of course. Or are some other kind of sick perv.)
“Well, anyway, ta-ta and thanks for
watching. Remember the motto that adorns the wall here at CIA headquarters:
‘And we shall blow the truth because the truth shall make you pee.’”
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