CNN/MSNBC/NPR/NBC/ABC/CBS/New York Times/Washington Post, et. al:
July 19, 2021—
Yet another member of the Trump-loving, radical, right-wing terrorist mob that attempted to overthrow the United States government this past January 6—a date that will live forever in infamy—has been sentenced to justice. Your beatific leaders, duly elected and chosen by you the people, have decided to jail Ashli Babbitt in absentia and in perpetuity. Babbitt, an ex-military supporter of extreme forms of white supremacy and likely member of the Proud Boys, was blessedly shot dead by a courageous Capitol police officer during the crazed mob’s nearly successful attempt at insurrection. Many of the people’s elected representatives—and most experts-- wanted to posthumously execute Babbitt in order to send a message to the Satanic bastards who had the audacity to challenge their betters, but those that thought the measure could be seen as overly harsh, if not “intolerant,” prevailed.
July 20, 2021—
In a heartwarming development, the vast majority of teachers’ unions across the country—and each of their national brethren—voted to go forward teaching the 1619 Project, Critical Race Theory, and “Queer and Kink Sex Ed.” The unions of selfless top educators pledged to thoroughly cover these vital topics, no matter the opinions and desires of America’s parents, particularly those of a dangerously Christian bent in flyover country. Moreover, the NEA vowed to bring these core curriculums to every K-12 classroom in the nation. The glorious revolution continues apace, despite the feeble resistance of certain white, male, religious extremists, members of the entrenched patriarchy, reactionaries, Nazis, climate-change deniers, and assorted other whackos! Change has come, comrades! We are who we’ve been waiting for!
July 22, 2021—
The Biden administration, already proving itself to be one of the most effective in our nation’s history, took another step towards saving our republic yesterday, by seeing to the passage of a bill dramatically increasing taxes on businesses-- and those obscenely wealthy individuals making over $400,000 a year. Tax rates on businesses will be doubled, and the top marginal tax rate on individuals will be raised from 37% to 77%. This long overdue correction of unfair legislation enacted by the criminal Donald Trump and his accomplices will significantly increase badly needed revenue so that the federal government can benevolently, and in an utterly unbiased manner, redistribute wealth to marginalized groups and peoples of color. This should teach the imperialist, running-dog, hyper-capitalists a lesson they will never forget. Workers of the world unite! (Even though no one should be forced to work. We are fervent advocates of a stout universal basic income!)
July 23, 2021—
Progressive Democrats have introduced a bill that would ban all energy extraction-- and use-- across the country by 2024. These planet-loving pols are proposing a bold step towards reducing America’s giant carbon footprint on our unsuspecting and fragile globe. The bill, H.R. 666-FUUSA, would mandate that all coal, oil, shale oil, natural gas and nuclear energy exploration, extraction, production, and use be permanently shut down by December 31, 2024. The bill also would ban the use of wind turbines, hydro-electric power, and solar panels, as each of these energy options “despoil the natural environment, obstruct sight-lines for some of our Democratic colleagues who live nearby, and steal energy from our beloved earth mother.”
Author’s note: Remember to patronize these unimpeachable sources of straight news, as they speak only the truth. They are unbiased, fair and balanced, and looking out for you. Democracy dies in darkness, comrades. Thank Gaia for the mainstream media! Long live our Dear Leader!