CNN/MSNBC/NPR/NBC/ABC/CBS/New York Times/Washington Post,
et. al:
July 19, 2021—
Yet another member of the Trump-loving, radical,
right-wing terrorist mob that attempted to overthrow the United States
government this past January 6—a date that will live forever in infamy—has been
sentenced to justice. Your beatific leaders, duly elected and chosen by you the
people, have decided to jail Ashli Babbitt in absentia and in perpetuity.
Babbitt, an ex-military supporter of extreme forms of white supremacy and
likely member of the Proud Boys, was blessedly shot dead by a courageous
Capitol police officer during the crazed mob’s nearly successful attempt at
insurrection. Many of the people’s elected representatives—and most experts--
wanted to posthumously execute Babbitt in order to send a message to the
Satanic bastards who had the audacity to challenge their betters, but those
that thought the measure could be seen as overly harsh, if not “intolerant,”
prevailed.
July 20, 2021—
In a heartwarming development, the vast majority of
teachers’ unions across the country—and each of their national brethren—voted
to go forward teaching the 1619 Project, Critical Race Theory, and “Queer and
Kink Sex Ed.” The unions of selfless top educators pledged to thoroughly cover
these vital topics, no matter the opinions and desires of America’s parents,
particularly those of a dangerously Christian bent in flyover country.
Moreover, the NEA vowed to bring these core curriculums to every K-12 classroom
in the nation. The glorious revolution continues apace, despite the feeble
resistance of certain white, male, religious extremists, members of the
entrenched patriarchy, reactionaries, Nazis, climate-change deniers, and
assorted other whackos! Change has come, comrades! We are who we’ve been
waiting for!
July 22, 2021—
The Biden administration, already proving itself to be
one of the most effective in our nation’s history, took another step towards
saving our republic yesterday, by seeing to the passage of a bill dramatically
increasing taxes on businesses-- and those obscenely wealthy individuals making
over $400,000 a year. Tax rates on businesses will be doubled, and the top
marginal tax rate on individuals will be raised from 37% to 77%. This long
overdue correction of unfair legislation enacted by the criminal Donald Trump
and his accomplices will significantly increase badly needed revenue so that
the federal government can benevolently, and in an utterly unbiased manner,
redistribute wealth to marginalized groups and peoples of color. This should
teach the imperialist, running-dog, hyper-capitalists a lesson they will never
forget. Workers of the world unite! (Even though no one should be forced to
work. We are fervent advocates of a stout universal basic income!)
July 23, 2021—
Progressive Democrats have introduced a bill that would
ban all energy extraction-- and use-- across the country by 2024. These
planet-loving pols are proposing a bold step towards reducing America’s giant
carbon footprint on our unsuspecting and fragile globe. The bill, H.R. 666-FUUSA,
would mandate that all coal, oil, shale oil, natural gas and nuclear energy
exploration, extraction, production, and use be permanently shut down by
December 31, 2024. The bill also would ban the use of wind turbines, hydro-electric
power, and solar panels, as each of these energy options “despoil the natural
environment, obstruct sight-lines for some of our Democratic colleagues who
live nearby, and steal energy from our beloved earth mother.”
Author’s note: Remember to patronize these unimpeachable
sources of straight news, as they speak only the truth.
They are unbiased, fair and balanced, and looking out for you. Democracy
dies in darkness, comrades. Thank Gaia for the mainstream media! Long live
our Dear Leader!
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