Monday, July 26, 2021

Cleveland Guardians...Of The Woke Sports World


Major League baseball’s Cleveland Indians will be changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians beginning with the 2022 season, the organization announced on July 23rd.  I am neither shocked nor saddened. This is something I saw coming years ago.           

The Guardians are by no means the first organization to abandon a potentially offensive name. The Washington Redskins of the NFL recently became the “Washington Football Team.” The university of North Dakota’s sports teams, formerly known as the Fighting Sioux, are now named the “Fighting Hawks.”

But we all know much more has to be done. Far too many squads still sport potentially hurtful names. To wit, by league:

Major League Baseball

*Atlanta Braves…A little different take on this one. I would’ve thought such overt sexism would be extinct by now. What about the squaws young Native American women? How must they feel at the use of this exclusionary nomenclature?

*Chicago Cubs…of course, it’s all about the youth culture. Talk about ageism. “Cubbies?” Yeesh.

*Chicago White Sox…a little too Caucasian and pure for my liking.

*Kansas City Royals…well, la-di-da, isn’t this high-brow salute to monarchy a kick in the pants to regular folks. Talk about your “one-percenters.” This name must be dropped now.

*Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim)…typical Orange County Republicanism. Mixing religion and sports is not what our founders intended. Also, do fans really want to believe in something that can’t be seen or scientifically proven. (Other than man-caused global warming, of course.)

*Milwaukee Brewers…why not Vintners then? Or Distillers? And really, nice to advertise booze across the land, anyway! Was “Crystal -Meth Makers” taken? Perhaps the Milwaukee “Recovering Alcoholics” would be a better fit for our times.

*Minnesota Twins…there are no set family norms anymore. One-- or three—kid(s) are okay, as well. In fact, childlessness is a great option, too!

*New York Yankees… Really? White, wealthy types that worship business. Those “Damn Yankees?”  And with all of the historical connotations? I suppose they wouldn’t just like to play Atlanta in the World Series, but burn it to the ground afterwards, too?! And, speaking of which…

*San Diego Padres…another case of overt religious favoritism and insensitivity. San Diego “Imams” was out of the question, I suppose? And, failing that, could the team not have been called the Madres?

*San Francisco Giants…I frankly would’ve expected better from San Francisco. What about the little guy? What about the vertically challenged? Insensitive and heartless.

*Toronto Blue Jays…what about the gray jays, brown jays and green jays? Or even the Steller’s jay or the Pinyon jay? How are they supposed to feel? Leave others out much? Criminy!

*Washington Nationals…I can almost hear the militaristic, xenophobic martial music now! Jingoistic clap-trap from overly patriotic right-wingers to be sure.


National Football League

*Minnesota Vikings… white, Aryan, aggressive, macho, plundering types. Combines toxic masculinity with white supremacy. I feel faint. This name must go ASAP!

*New England Patriots…how do you think this makes all the people historically and systemically oppressed by America feel? “Patriot” is just a euphemism for “radical right-wing domestic terrorist.”

*San Diego Chargers…this is marginalizing, exclusionary—and very hurtful-- to all those who still pay with cash or check.

*Tennessee Titans…holy cow. Not much love for the underclass and less than mighty here.


National Basketball Association


*Atlanta Hawks… Too warlike. “Doves” would’ve been much more appropriate in our modern era.

*Dallas Mavericks…leave it to a team from Texas to have to stand apart from the rest of us. Does the nickname imply they will refuse to be vaccinated? Divisive. Did they take part in the January 6th insurrection that nearly brought down our beloved federal government?

*Detroit Pistons…in this era of global warming… an ode to the internal combustion engine? Wouldn’t “Solar Heating Panels” or “Wind Turbines” be a better name?

*Golden State Warriors…on the west coast even? An obvious ode to violence?

*Miami Heat…okay, but would not the Miami “Global Warming” have been more accurate?

*Milwaukee Bucks… sexist enough for you? And they just won a championship! Pigs!


National Hockey League


*Buffalo Sabres…no team should have weapons on their jerseys!

*Colorado Avalanche…a powerful, white force comes down from on high to ravage unsuspecting peoples? Wow.

*Columbus Blue Jackets…it’s actually the city’s name that’s offensive here! Columbus didn’t discover America, never set foot here, yet his journey led to the rape of the New World and its indigenous peoples!

*Dallas Stars… excuse us, you guys are so much better than we could ever hope to be…

*Montreal Canadiens…narcissistic and xenophobic.

*Nashville Predators…in this day and age we shouldn’t be celebrating stalkers and killers!

*St. Louis Blues… hurtful and mocking to people with depression?


NCAA College Football


*(The) Notre Dame Fighting Irish…seriously? Irish Catholics put up with this? Why not just call the teams the “Antagonistic Drunken Poets?” Have you seen the mascot?!! OMG!!



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